Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

Needed to write something... Wanna write something. Just can't organize my thoughts though. Still trying anyway...

~~~~~

Another loooong day for me... Staying here at the office waiting for the sun to come up. Why? 'Coz I'm a wimp. Just can't bring myself to ride those damn busses! Everytime I was forced to ride those things, I always felt like we're gonna crash or I'll end up flat on my face when it's time to go down. You know, the drivers just coudn't bring themselves to step on the brakes for a good amount of time when a passenger wanna go down their busses. Always felt like kissing the ground whenever I have successfully alighted from those damn things 'coz I'm finally on solid ground!


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Been feeling moody for quite some time now. Happy, sad, hopeful, desperate, contented, depresed, ambivalent, excited, optimistic... and the list goes on. I wanna stay happy for at least 3 days in a row... and that would be an achievement for me.


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Read this book about two months ago and I could say that the things written there are stuff I already know. So, it's actually a waste of money. It never did gave me a new idea on how to get over the somebody I wanna forget. Booooo! Oh well, deep down I know that it's gonna be crap but when you're feelin' down you just don't think straight, right? Hence, all the wrong decisions bein' made.



~~~~~

Can relate to this quote that I got when surfing the net:

You told me to go look for happiness and bring some back when I found it. But you can't bank happiness. You can't keep it for when you need it and you cannot give to someone else simply by having it yourself.

For the full story, click here.


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And finally, another Kelly Clarkson song... I promise to buy her cd na talaga.

Gone
by: Kelly Clarkson

What you see's not what you get
With you, there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there

Your eyes, they sparkled
That’s all changed into lies
That drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for in this world
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You are wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

Sometimes shattered, never open
Nothing matters when you're broken
That was me, whenever I was with you
Always ending, always over
Back and forth, up and down, like a roller coaster
I am breaking that habit today

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for in this world
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You are wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

I'm already gone

There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
Take the hit and walk away
Cause I'm gone
Doesn’t matter what you do
It’s what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone

What you see's not what you get
What you see's not what you get

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for in this world
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You are wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on


~~~~~

Hahahaha! Another "moving-on" song for my little collection...


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Oh and before I forget... Just heard from Rosey that she's already planning her wedding. Dunno if I'm only halucinating or am I really hearing a clock ticking slowly somewhere. But I'm definitely happy for her, no question about that. Just not sure about her other news though...


~~~~~

I may not be able to meet you ever again... But I'm still wishing you a Happy Birthday. I'm just sorry that I had to feel this way with you... I was comfortable then, but now it's different. I guess I just grew up.



~~~~~

"Because Of You"
by: Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

***
Nice one... Look's like I'm beginning to love Kelly Clarkson's songs.

And no... this one's not for him.

If you wanna listen to the song... Click here.

naghihintay na naman ako ng oras kaya naisipan kong magbasa na lang sa peyups...

wala lang, nakaka-aliw kasi... nasulat nya ang dapat sinulat ko dati pa. yun nga lang, hindi naman talaga ako nagalit sa kanya... nasaktan lang...

Ang Huling Araw
by: nSeNsiTiV
(Edited by blue_kuko)

Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung gaano kita minahal, ang isasagot ko, 10 beses na higit pa sa nararapat. Minahal kita hindi dahil pakiramdam ko lang tama, pero dahil ginusto ko yung naramdaman ko at walang kung ano pa man.

Minsan mo na akong tinanong kung pinagsisisihan kong nakilala kita. Sinabi ko hindi. Ngayon na nga siguro ang araw na kinatatakutan ko. Dahil kapag tinanong mo ulit sa akin yan, alam kong oo na ang isasagot ko. Sa lahat kasi ng nangyari sa buhay ko, ikaw lang ang gusto kong burahin. Wala ng iba.

Alam kong tama na tong ginagawa ko ngayon. Tama ng mawala ka sa buhay ko. Dahil alam kong wala ng pag-asa yang sinasabi mong pagkakaibigan natin. Tanga lang ako na minsan kong inisip na yun ang pinanghahawakan ko pero hindi pala. Dahil pinili mo pa rin akong saktan kahit alam mong dapat naging isa kang kaibigan.

Nung mga panahong ikaw at ikaw lang ang kailangan ko, hindi man lang kita mahanap. At kahit alam kong alam mo yon, pinili mong tiisin ako. Ngayon hindi na ko umaasang nandyan ka pa, dahil simula palang nang-iwan ka na.

Itinapon ko na rin ang lahat ng kasinungalingang sinabi mo na ang masakit ay pinaniwalaan ko. Nang sinabi mong importante ako sa yo at hindi mo kayang wala ako, kagaguhan lang yon. Siguro napilitan ka lang sabihin yon, o di kaya, sinadya mo para paasahin ako.Ngayon, lahat ng binitawan mong salita, wala ng halaga. Simple lang ang rason: dahil wala ka ring kwenta.

Wala na rin akong pakialam kung nagustuhan mo man ako o hindi. Ang importante, nagbigay ako ng buong buo at ni minsan ay hindi humingi ng kahit anong kapalit. Kahit papano, naturuan mo akong maging matatag. Natuto na rin akong tumigil sa paghahabol at pag-iyak sa taong manhid na tulad mo.

Siguro nga nasira mo na ang lahat sa akin. Ang paninindigan ko, tapang at paniniwala ko, pati ang katauhan ko, pero kaya kong ibangon ang sarili ko at mabuhay ng wala ka. Ako pa rin to. Oras at araw lang ang nagbago.

Ngayon na ang huling beses na sasabihin ko ito sa yo. Ngayon na ang huling pagkakataon na iisipin kita. Lahat ng bagay na dumaan, burado na. Pati buhay ko, bago na. Ngayon na ang huling oras na mamahalin kita. Ngayon na ang tamang oras para sa lahat, para malaman mo kung gaano mo ako sinaktan. Tapos na yon lahat ngayon. Ito na ang huling araw ng paghihirap...Tama na, tapos na. Pero sa huling araw na ito, isa lang ang sigurado ako.

Hindi ito ang huling araw na sinabi ko lahat to.

Dunno if what I'm about to do would do me any good... In fairness, that "kilig" feeling is still there. But I'm really having mixed feelings about this thing. There's just too much expectations and I don't know if we're gonna measure up. Besides, we'll be playing in a different level now. No more easy way out for us. It's either we move up to the next level or it's game over for both us.

I must admit that what we had before is something I'm gonna treasure forever. But I think that's only possible if we'll just remain as friends. There's too much history between us and I don't wanna risk the doubts that will inevitably come if we get involved in a different way.

So what am I sayin'? Well for now, I just wanna be friends with you. Please do not make me admit that all I wanted from you (even from the start) is just friendship.

Oh hell... I feel like crap! I know that it's my fault for making you think that way. I need time to think and analyze the situation you're "forcing" us to be in. Let me just be your shoulder to cry on for now... But other than that, and I'm sorry to say this, you're on your own.

nakukulitan na siguro si lord sa akin... paano ba naman, ilang beses na akong humihingi ng sign sa kanya about that guy. urong-sulong pa kasi ako! siguro naghihintay ako ng isang napakalaking banner na bigla ko na lang makikita na magsasabi ng kung ano ba talaga ang gagawin ko.

ang una kong sign, isang red na rose na lalabas dun sa music video na pinapanood ko. tapos hindi pa ako nakuntento dun. kaya the next day, ganun ulit ang hiningi kong sign... ang problem nga lang eh, magka-iba ang lumabas na resulta. hindi pa rin nakuntento ang lola mo kaya isa pang sign... red rose naman sa email. pero ganun pa rin, hindi pa rin consistent kaya humingi ulit ng "last" sign.

haaay, ilan kayang sign ang kailangan ko para gawin ko na ang matagal ko ng ginawa. magulo... sobrang gulo!

kaya lord... sana ibigay nyo na sa akin ang sign na hinahanap ko. samahan mo na rin ng isang simpleng instruction's manual. medyo slow kasi ang anak nyong ito sa pag-intindi ng mga instructions eh.

thank you po.

At dahil sa hindi ako maka-uwi right after my shift... Sa kung kani-kaninong blog ako napupunta. Wala lang, medyo natamaan kasi ako dito. Pero pwamis, okay na ako...

Paglisan at Ulan
by: roni bats

Dalawang oras ka nang nakatitig sa blankong papel. Hindi pala madaling simulan ang isang artikulong tungkol sa wakas. Saan ka nga ba maaaring magsimula?

Sa simula? Naaalala mo pa ba ang simula? Hindi na. Gaano man kahiwaga, ang simula ay nalilimot, nawawalan ng saysay dahil sa napipintong katapusan. Makabubuti lamang ang pag-uungkat sa nakaraan kung may bukas na yayapos sa iyo upang pawiin ang pangamba. Dahil kung wala, ang tanging magagawa ng simula ay ipaalala ang simula ng wakas.

Simulan mo kaya sa dahilan? Hindi rin pwede. Ang pinanghahawakan mo lang ay ang sino, ano, saan at kailan. Sadyang mailap ang bakit; may mga bagay na habang pilit iniintindi ay lalong nagiging mahirap maunawaan. O baka naman nasa harap mo na ang sagot. Ayaw mo lang itong paniwalaan kaya’t pilit mong isinasantabi ang tanong na bumabagabag sa iyo. Hindi mo masisisi ang iyong sarili. Mahirap tanggapin na ang mga katotohanang nagpasaya sa mga araw mo ay panggagago.

Kung gayon, bakit hindi mo simulan sa ulan? Sa ulang hindi mo naman hiniling at dumating sa panahong hindi mo inaasahan. Sa ulang nagpakita sa iyong maaari kang tumingala sa langit at tumayo sa gitna ng kalsada, habang nilulunod ng mga patak ng tubig ang iyong kasuotan at mga gamit.

Tama. Sa ulan. Binago ka ng ulan.

Itinuro sa iyo ng ulan na ang mga tao sa buhay mo ay darating at aalis kung kailan nila gusto. Wala kang magagawa. Hindi mo sila mapipilit na manatili. Hindi mo sila mapipigilang lumisan. Titila ang bawat ulan. Hindi nito sasabihin kung kailan, pero mararamdaman mo ang paglumanay ng hangin at ang paghawi ng mga ulap.

Ang maiiwan ay ikaw… at isang puwang.

Ang pangungulila ay hindi nag-uugat sa paglisan, kundi sa pamamaalam. Ang isang taong pinahahalagahan mo ay maaaring magpaalam nang hindi umaalis, subalit maaari rin siyang umalis nang hindi nagpapaalam. Paunti-unti. Dahan-dahan. Patuloy ang pagtakbo ng buhay sa kanya, habang sa iyo, dumarating sa bawat araw ang kapiraso ng wakas.

Minsan tuloy, naiisip mong mas maigi pang matapos na lang ang lahat sa simula. Nang sa gayon, walang pinagkatagu-tagong text message na kailangang burahin, walang mga sandaling dapat ibaon sa limot at walang puwang na palalalimin ng pangungulila.

Nakapapagod maghintay kung kailan muling mapupunan ang puwang na tanging ikaw ang nakadarama. Mas madali itong pag-ipunan ng galit at pagkamuhi.

Pero hindi mo gagawin iyon. Hahayaan mo lang na dumaloy sa iyong pisngi ang mga luha at kahuli-hulihang patak ng ulan. Alinman ang unang maubos, ikaw ay patuloy na tatayo sa gitna ng daan.

Maghihintay. Aasa.

Dahil kahit maging balewala ka na sa isang tao, mananatili siyang importante sa iyo.

***
OUCH!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Birthdate: October 28

Your birth on the 28th day of the month (1 energy) adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your Life Path. The number 1 energy suggest more executive ability and leadership qualities than you path may have indicated.A birthday on the 28th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. Unlike much of the other 1 energy, this birthday is one that endow with the ability to start a job and continue on until it is finished. You may prefer to use the broad brush, but you can handle details as well. You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed. You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.And that's marriage - with the right person.You're serious about settling down some time soon.Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's" Your Ideal Relationship?

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantityYou've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks offAnd you're adaptable, giving each partner what they craveWhen it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Your Brain's Pattern

Your brain is always looking for the connections in life.You always amaze your friends by figuring out things first.You're also good at connecting people - and often play match maker.You see the world in fluid, flexible terms. Nothing is black or white.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to give more than take in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

Akala ko pa naman, makakatulog na ako ng ayos dahil hanggang 12mn na lang shift ko... hindi pa rin pala. Hirap din palang umuwi ng ganung ka-late. Akala ko kasi okay lang, parang lagi ka lang may gimick. Kakatakot din pala. Tapos, ang dami mo pang maririnig na mga "horror" stories. Ah eh, okay lang na hindi ako makatulog ng 8 hours a day basta ba sigurado akong masisikatan pa ako ng araw kinabukasan.

May sleeping room nga dito sa office, pero sabi nila may mumu daw... Ganda ng life noh? Okay na akong puyat basta alam kong walang mumu sa tabi ko!

Kaya eto, post na naman ako ng isang bagong entry. Wala na kasi akong magawa. Unti-unti ko na ring nauubosan na nga din ako ng mga websites na bibisitahin eh. Naasikaso ko tuloy ang aking neopet na hindi na-dead kahit na almost one month ko na syang hindi napakain. Buti pa nga yung pet ko na yun, ang dami na nyang pera sa bank account nya. Alagang-alaga ang loko eh.

At dahil ang dami kong free time dito sa office, ang dami ko tuloy naiisip...

*My gosh, 1 year and 7 months na ako dito sa trabaho ko. Hindi ko ma-imagine na makakatagal ako sa ganitong trabaho. Yun nga lang, mukhang malapit ko na ting iwan ito kasi the account's slowly becoming a sales account. 'Yeta naman! Pwede ba, hindi ako mahilig mag-upsell. At ayoko talaga ng trabaho na actively involved in selling.

*Gusto kong pumunta ng beach! More than 2 years na akong hindi nakakakita ng dagat eh!

*Miss ko na mga friends ko. Calling Rosey... Ang lapit na nga natin, hindi pa tayo nagkikita. ganda naman kasi ng restdays ko, thursday and friday ba naman eh. Ayos!

*I need to cut my hair... I also need to go shopping for new clothes. Hehehe, looking for an excuse to spend without the guilt.

*Gusto kong bumalik ulit sa Baguio. At sana naman sa pagbalik ko, hindi na umuulan noh! Hirap kayang mag-ikot 'pag umuulan.

*Hirap palang magutom... Dati kasi hindi ako nakakaramdam ng gutom. Haaay, kailan kaya ako papayat?

*Bitter pa rin nga ba ako after all these times? Hmmmm, hindi na noh! Promise, okay na ako. Hanap nyo na lang ako ng bagong "papa". Basta ang gusto ko: Tall, dark and handsome ha?

*Bakit kaya ayoko na ng beer? Ang gastos ko tuloy 'pag nagpapadala ako sa "peer pressure".

*Kailang kaya ako titigil mag-smoke? Lagi na nga akong nagkakasakit, hindi pa rin ako natututo!

*Miss ko na ang aking "partner-in-crime" na pamangkin ko. Hoy, bru uwi ka na dito. Pero 'wag kalimutan ang pasalubong ko ha?

*At dahil kay "Elf"... Naalala ko tuloy na kailangan ko ng pumunta sa spa para magpa-massage. Saan kaya okay? Suggestions please.

*Corny talaga ng mga posts ko... Sabi nga ng aking seatmate, parang diary talaga ang dating. I wonder kong sino na ang mga nakabasa nito. Yuck, nahiya naman akong bigla.

At dahil wala namang pinapatunguhan ang entry na ito. Titigil na ako.

"When you lose someone... and you think you were the one who loved most, between the two of you... he lost more. For someday you can love someone the way that you loved him...But he will never be loved again the way that you did."

Got this from this blog.

Tama nga naman siya.

Wala lang... Nagulat lang talaga ako. Akala ko, nabaon na ako sa limot. Pero sana hindi mo na lang pinatulan yun. Nahiya tuloy ako bigla.

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun, then you grow up
and learn to be cautious; you could break a bone, or a heart. You look before
you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone
there to catch you. And in life, there is no safety net. When did it stop being
fun and start being scary?
(Sex and the City)

Yeah, when did my life start being scary? Let's take a trip down memory lane shall we...?

When I saw my cousin crying over her ex-boyfriend... I was in grade school then. Imagine the trauma of having to listen to my cousin crying and making kwento about how she's hurting over that jerk. Since then, I never got over my initial distrust over men in general.

When I decided to study in Baguio... I moved away from my parent's house and started making decisions on my own. Even thought my parent's still supported me financially, I am now responsible for everyday stuff like, "Do I get up early to go to school or do I just miss that boooring class?" or "Do I go to that party or do I stay at home to get that much needed sleep?" or "Should I cook to be able to save money or do I just eat out?".

When my Lola died... I finally realized that we cannot will somebody to live forever just so they could continue to be there for you.

When I first decided to drop a class... Uh-huh, that was a tough decision for me 'coz even though I was not a diligent student (ever) I never flunked any of my subjects and then had to explain to my parents why my grades were that low. It was then when I knew that highschool is vastly different than college.

When my then bestfriend moved to the States... That was when I felt really "alone". No more late night telephone conversations and impromptu lunches. She was the "keeper" of all my secrets and the only person I trusted.

When I fell in love... Not that I wasn't happy, I was. This was just the time when I discovered that I could never ever have total control over my life. That you sometimes needed another person to be happy.

When I had my first encounter with infidelity... Yah know, married men trying to court you. 'Coz you see, I've always believed that this stuff only happens in movies.

When I first had my heart broken... It was then I realized that giving your all does not necessarily mean that he will stay and you get to live your life happily ever after.