Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

I dreamt of you last night... I woke up with feelings that I can't explain and I just had to connect with you (which I did). I don't know what the dream meant nor do I want to know. All I know is that it made me think about you and what should have been. Yeah, it made me sad but it also made me face things that I have been avoiding up until now. I want to say more but my mind can't function that well since I feel so sleepy na... Which reminds me, it's already 12:21PM and I am still here. Better get my butt off this chair and start walking to my apartment to get some sleep.

I am slowly but surely rediscovering the joys of blogging again... For quite some time now, I have been having a hard time composing a decent entry for my blog, but now I can't seem to stop myself from creating an entry, either directly in blogger or on the notepad of my PC/lappy. I have also been reading the blog entries of random people now, whereas before I only read the blogs of people I personally know. I really want this blog to be something that I could always refer back to whenever I wanna reminisce, which was my original reason for setting up a blog in the first place... basically just like a personal journal in cyberspace.

When I was still in high school and up until my college years, I have always maintained a diary of some sorts. Writing became my outlet whenever I have some things that I want to work out on my own or I'm not yet ready to discuss with another person. I found out that I could actually process whatever it is that has been bugging me whenever I write it down. It sort of makes things a lot clearer from my perspective, seeing said thoughts in black and white. Although I have to admit that I was a lot more straight forward when I was still just writing my thoughts in my diary back then 'coz now I catch myself "screening" what I am writing in this blog because at the back of my head, I know that this is not a personal site and there are just some things that I am not ready to announce to the whole world wide web. But now, things will definitely change since I want this blog to chronicle what I have been going doing throughout the years, both the good and the bad, 'coz that's the reality of my life. So people, let this be a warning... from now on I will try my very best not to censor my thoughts whenever I am writing down an entry, therefore, you will either just hate, love or be plain bored with me. I will write whatever it is I am feeling right at that moment, whether I am happy, sad, disappointed, frustrated, elated, tired... well you get my point. And to start it off, here's a short entry about my day earlier.

I reported to work at 9AM which is a deviation from my normal schedule at work... Why? Well to be honest I was not able to get a good night sleep last night and was not able to coax my body to get up on time. Good thing I also have a lot of things to iron out during the day, plus the fact that I kinda have a flexi sked set-up with my boss. I so love working during the day now because it gives me sense of normalcy but due to business needs I still have to report during the night. The down side of working during the day is that I always, always extend my working hours so that I could still be at the office until the start of business, which is usually at 10PM. Take for example today... I reported at 9AM but I was only able to log out at 12:20AM, that's basically 15 hours spent at the office. This is the reason why I do not have a social life to speak of, very pathetic of me I know.

Before I forget... I have to decide now whether I am gonna push through with my application with another company. I already passed the initial interview and I was supposed to be interviewed by the manager of the department but I pushed back at the last minute. Why?! Because for one, I was not willing to travel to Makati for the said interview after my shift then go back again to Pampanga in time for my next shift at work. Another reason is that, there's already a "lot" of employees from mhy current company who's working there already. Nu yun, mini-reunion ng mga ex-employees galing sa T------h? Now, I am looking for a way to back out from that application, however, I am still not 100% sure if that is really what I want right now. Gulo ko din kasi eh. I am giving myself up until the weekend to decide, if by Monday I still don't have a decision, I will just proceed with the interview and then go from there. So good luck to me, hope I could make the right decision this time.

Look what I read when I opened my mail last night:

Elizabeth :
Welcome to Your Daily Forecast for Mar 3, 2009

You won't be budged from your hot pursuit of whatever (or whoever) you're after for any reason. That includes their express wishes, your state of physical or emotional exhaustion or even the restraints of society. You should, however, consider apologizing -- if you can get them to listen.

All I can say for now is... BULLSEYE!

I just have to post these songs here before I actually forget that I am supposed to be looking for them in the web. As of now, I have yet to find a place where I can download them for... free, LOL!

Oh yeah, just a simple warning though... These songs are definitely not for happy people.

"Inside"

Inside...
Inside...
Inside...
Inside...

Last night when I saw you
With somebody new
You asked how I've been
And I, I told you I was fine
And as you held each other close
I smiled and said it's good to see you
And you didn't know

Inside
I'm cryin' baby
Inside
I'm dyin' baby
I don't wanna let you see
Baby what you've done to me
So I keep it all inside (inside)
Inside (inside)

Sometimes when you call me
I don't know what to say
You say I've been on your mind
And we'll talk again sometime
You say you're glad we can be friends
I say I'm over all the heartache
But it's all pretend

Inside
I'm cryin' baby
Inside
I'm dyin' baby
I don't wanna let you see
Baby what you've done to me
So I keep it all inside
Inside

Outside I'm smilin' baby
Outside these tears just can't be found
But I'm just breaking down

INSIDE
Don't you know that I am dyin' baby (dyin' baby)
I don't wanna let you see
Baby what you've done to me
So I'll keep it all INSIDE

Yeah, I'm cryin' baby
Inside
I'm dyin' baby
I don't wanna let you see
Baby what you've done to me
So I'll keep it all inside
I'll just keep it all inside
Inside
Inside

---------------------

"What Hurts The Most"

Yeah...yeah
Oh...oh...
Oh...
Listen

Boy, it's been a long time
Since the last time I saw you
Feels like nothin' changed
Since we've been together
I must admit that I go crazy for you

And I can see it in your eyes
That there's somethin' you want to say to me
'Cause usually right now
You'll be holdin' on to me
But instead you tell me

Things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through

And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
I know things are different now, you've gone and settled down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait me

I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took the chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all the love oh, how I'm missing now

I hate that there is someone new
Comin' in and takin' my place
Doin' the things that we used to do
And makin' love to you

And oh, what am I supposed to do
It's killin' me 'cause I want you
And you should have known my love was true
And there's no one else in this world for me but you

But things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through

And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
You know things are different now, you're gonna settle down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait for me

I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took a chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all your love oh, how I'm missing now

I know that I'm the one to blame for losing you, oh, yeah
I really, really wish that I could be happy for you
There's just one thing I need you to do
Don't you touch her like you used to touch me
Don't you love her like you really need me
Don't you love her like you used to love me

And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
But things are different now, you're gonna settle down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait me

I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took a chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all your love oh, how I'm missing now

What hurts the most is letting go
Just to let you know I love you so
What hurts the most is letting go
Just to let you know I love you so

What hurts the most

-----------------------
See what I mean? They are such sad, sad, sad songs. So why am I looking for them? Well I wanna add them to my "heartbreak" song list.

I just spent 2 hours reading through almost 4 years worth of written entries of this blog and I kinda feel tired... LOL!!!! My gosh, it seems like I am always either, tired, depressed or just plain crazy whenever I write in here. I rarely write my happy moments here. This blog basically became my sounding board whenever I feel like I'm nearing my breaking point. So to my ever faithful blog, forgive me if I just run to you whenever I feel sad, it's not really my intention for you to be the dumping ground of all my depressing thoughts and musings. I therefore promise to write happy moments in my life here also, you know to balance out all the negative energy surrounding this space of mine.

To start...

I finally reconnected with Ms. Grace again, yey! She was my first ever boss when I started doing HR work way back then. She's going to arrange a mini-reunion with the Sterling folks - happy, happy, happy!

And yeah, I wanna thank you for letting me keep you awake until 2am this morning. It was fun making you kulit and all that. I missed our talks before, the one that came before the fights.

I am perilously near to being a broken record, damn! Why can't I just stop when it comes to you? Darn it, darn it and darn it again! Then to make matter worst (not really, I'm just being a baby about it) this is what's going round and round in my head:

I wanna fly and spread my wings
Don't wanna cry, I wanna sing
I wanna live and take a chance
I'm not afraid to love again
I wanna fall, fall for you
And I want you to fall for me too

Yeah, yeah not the most apt song for the situation I am in, but what the heck? This gotta be the worst LSS I've been in...

On to other updates... I've been boring myself writing all about my issues and problems, LOL! Hmmm, well I got a loot bag from my cousin - insert big smile here - yey! I now have a big stash of colognes, perfumes and lotions to last me for two years or more. Oh don't forget chocolates that would probably expire in our fridge if I forget to bring them over to the office, as I am not fond of chocolates. But my best news ever is that I met Cai again! Double yey!!! Gosh, I so missed the brat. Even though we were really not able to talk, her bodyguard was present, I still enjoyed seeing her again. I just wish we I could see her more often... What else? Hmmm, my mind's getting muddled, I guess I better get some sleep for now.