Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

this is something i wrote way back february 2001... chanced upon this when i was cleaning like crazy the night i said goodbye to somebody very special to me...

chance.

i met him by chance. i was not even looking for somebody that day. all i knew was, i was doing a friend of mine a favor. to be honest, i've already forgotten about the guys i met during that day. if not for that little note i would have probably forgotten about him. ah hell, i did forget about him. thank god for friends... i would have probably let him go before i ever got to know him. but i guess i was meant to know him... even though some of my friends are constantly teasing me about him... and even though i was thinking that if i wanted, i could easily break it off anyways. he's always there and i'm always here.

i never knew i could feel this way... like i'm somewhere up there whenever i see a text message coming from him or whenever i hear my phone ring and see his name flashing on that little screen. never knew that i could do all the things i have done so far... imagine going through that looong winding road alone just to see him for only 3 hours max? even though i always complain to him that i don't wanna go alone, i secretly wait for that voice to tell me to go see him because he's free that day. i also anticipate the mornings where he would call me for a wake-up call... just because it's real good waking up to his voice. little stuff that didn't matter before, but now matters a whole lot.

sometimes i get to thinking, is this it? that one true love of mine? the one who i would first see in the morning and the last person i'm gonna see at night? ...a shiver just went through my whole body... 'coz you see this was the first time i thought of these feelings. before i was merely interested with the present. so, is he the one?

maybe i just have to wait...

never did get to finish that entry... if i remember correctly we fought that day so i never tried finishing the story. our story did not end that day. but it did end. and for the first time i cried. even though i promised myself that i would never ever waste my tears on just a guy. truth be said, he was never just a guy a to me. he was that someone who i trusted enough... enough for me to let down my wall and love like there's no tomorrow.

so let me answer a question on that little entry of mine... "so, is he the one?" he was supposed to be THE one but things happen... he's now THE one of somebody else. i've already accepted that fact. chances are, they also met by chance. isn't fate a little bit ironic?

too sleepy to finish this entry...will promise to finish by tomorrow. i need to go to sleep if i intend to be at work on time. bye now...

was "forced" to reminisce about my past loves earlier... and much to my surprise, i realized that i could actually laugh about the good and not so good experiences that i have gotten myself into for the past years. not that i would want to rehash all that i have said earlier here... no way! its one thing making kwento all the sordid details to just person, it's definitely a different thing to write it all down here. i'm not that brave enough... hahaha!

not brave enough you ask? well... i have secrets that only a select few had the "privilege" to know about. bad of me i know, but hey that's the way it goes. my blog, my rules. you don't hafta read this crap anyway, right? and as i have said before, i write here to release all my pent-up emotions... be it good or otherwise. i never could keep it all inside of me, right? i was never into bottling all my emotions and then feeling like a fraud afterwards. so as a rule, i write down what i could not say out loud. i write here, in a random notebook or piece of paper or, as a last resort, a piece of tissue paper. at least when i write about my emotions about something or someone, no one has to be burdened about thinking the appropriate response. and i wont hear how pathetic or foolish i had been.

and my point? none... just trying to work up the courage to post something i've been meaning to post ever since i started this blog. why could i not post that something? well, i don't want people adding one and one and then coming up with three.

yeah, i do have an issue with trust. big time. i can't even sleep during a foot spa session... and what's the connection? well, i can't even trust the attendant (or whatever they call the person who does foot spa) to not cut me when they were actuall trained for it. or the fact that i always needed some kind of reassurance that everything will go as planned even though i've been assured a thousand times already. my having an issue with trust actually contributed to my not so good experience in love... 'coz as we all know, in order for love to really grow one must trust the other. and since i have such a big problem with trust, i usually end up holding back or erecting a barrier between me and my supposed-to-be loved one. the ending, him walking away from me who by then is filled with regrets.

after all my experiences with trust (or lack thereof) i should have known better not to repeat it again and again right? we will see, ayt? 'coz after my last relationship went bust, i kinda promised myself to work on this trusting thing. i don't think i could go through all that again... not again, please. promise to behave.

*****

wanna say this:

i just wanna be fair to everybody involved. i know what i have not been doing. yeah, my work has been eating most of my time now and... the only thing that i was not able to say during that time was this - i wanna quit the group because everytime we get together for meetings i can't help but feel sad. sad, because it always brings back memories that i am better of without. sad, because i know that i would need to bring out my "game face" again so that nobody would feel that i'm feeling that way. sad, because i should have not let this affect the relationship we have managed to build but it still manages to come up even though i have tried to block it out my mind. sad, because i know that after this, things would never be the same again.

i feel like i'm in limbo and quite invinsible. maybe because you insist to ignore me. i'm still here... but i guess you have finally and irrevocably moved on. not that i'm blaming you. no promises right? fool that i am, i still hoped... no sense in prolonging the agony though.

your happy... i'm happy. i just never did learn to forget. but i'm learning now that words are sometimes meaningless.

why can't you tell me? i promise to not bite.

oh what the heck... your finally gone. i'm now left with a feeling i can't shake off... no matter how hard i tried.

i'm still here... can we be friends once again?

i'm tired.

could i please take a leave of absence from real life?

if i could, then i would go to a place where i could be free again... where the past is irrelevant and insignificant.

too tired to even finish writing what's on my mind...

i'd better sleep.

too much stuff to do.

just wishing you the best. be happy.

but why the heck won't you tell me?!