Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

So we're fighting again... what's new? We never could maintain the "peace" whenever we are together or not together (ang labo!). In short and simple language, we actually "fight" a lot! But those "fights" are definitely not the "down and dirty" type. It's just the usual "yakity-yak-yak" kind of fight, uh-huh we tend to argue a LOT! Maybe we're just making-up for the time that we were unable to talk face-to-face, but then again I guess not. It's just that I'm getting tired of this, I don't think I have the strength to keep up with the constant rollercoaster ride of my emotions anymore. I want this to stop but I still want to continue with the relationship (ang labo talaga!). Hopefully by the time we see each other again, we could talk and I want an "honest to goodness" conversation. No kidding around, nor skirting around some issues that could have a big impact on our relationship 'coz I just realized that we never talk about things that "matter". Maybe its because we are still not ready to "rock the boat" but neither could we ignore the fact that we really need to discuss the serious stuff ASAP.

Am I supposed to feel bad? Do I now have the right to be paranoid? That someone broke his "promise" again... I was soooo hoping pa naman. I don't know when I'll ever learn to accept the fact that he would never be "on time"... I should stop these thoughts, I never intended to examine my feelings 'coz I know that it would just make me feel miserable. I'm not yet ready to face this, maybe at some point I would really need to face the facts, but not now.

the distance is too wide
the silence is too deafening
the cold is too much to bear
the hurting seems to never stop
but why can't i let you go
cant stop loving you...

Ever since I discovered this URL: www.neopets.com I was unable to update this "journal" constantly. I posted some pictures but that was it. I was so consumed with mah pet, "Lilachues" whose pic I had posted here also. She was just way cute and very easy to play with (imagine the time I was able to use up just to earn that much neopoints!). Honestly, it was also a good way to "waste" time while waiting for a call to come. Unfortunately they just banned that site from the floor so all I could do right now is to play with them on the sly, hehehe! You can't blame me for not giving up right? Besides, nobody would want to just let their pets die because of hunger... that definitely is under the category, "cruelty to animals".

So here goes my update for the previous entries:

MYLK get together with mah friends from PS:

***Last July 29, 2004 me, Cris, Rico, Gwen, Wylmer and a friend Rico went to Greenbelt for a little dinner at MYLK. This was a sort of unplanned get together because we just finished out training for VIP and email touch-points. For me, this would be the first time I would going with my batchmates. I actually ditched a meeting just so I could go to this impromptu dinner. The food was great, especially the one I ordered (which I have already forgotten by this time) and the coffee (courtesy of Seattle's Best) was heavenly. We had a lot of fun gossiping about the latest happenings on the floor and our various "issues" against the "bad elements" we were forced to work with. After exhausting all the possible topics, me and Cris went home while the rest went on to Malate. I was tempted to go on to Malate but I felt that I also would not enjoy because i was bone-tired already. And so, I just went home to sleep 'coz I also have to go to work the next night.

KG Meeting for the BB project:

***Last August 8, 2004 I went to the meeting for the Bantay Bata project. This project is being pushed by the KG's I have met on the internet. One could say that this is a very controversial undertaking because there was an ongoing issue as to who would spearhead this activity. For me, the issue was very petty and should not have been blown out of proportion by anybody. This meeting also also served as an EB for the members of the group. This was also the first time I used up one of my PTO's (yehey!!!). BTW, the picture I have posted is courtesy of Huey - thanks!

"Mini-Reunion" w/ former co-employees from SPPEI:

***I went to Podium last August 18, 2004 to meet up with old friends from my former company, SPPEI. It was a blast seeing those people again (Sarah, Jeannie, and Ian). Winston was supposed to join us but being Winston, he backed out of the meeting that same day. We first had dinner, which was very satisfying considering the fact that we were first unsure of the place 'coz that would be the first time we would be eating there. We had the usual "chika session", with Jeannie standing in with the role as our informer. We (sarah and me) also found out that Ian had already tendered his resignation and it's effectivity date was friday the week before our meeting. Since we were kept in the dark regarding that piece of tidbit, it was questions galore for him that night. It was then that I learned that Ms. Bernie appreciated all the things I have done for her when I was still under her management (thank god for little miracles!). After dinner, Sarah had to go home (yup, she still has a curfew) so we just stayed for a while in Starbucks then we went straight to Katips. FYI, this would be my first ever "drinking session" again since I transferred jobs. I had 3 shots of curant 7 while my drinking buddies drank beer. Even though its was a weekday, the place was full of people and I truly enjoyed myself. We all went home at about 1 am 'coz Jeannie's mom kept texting us to go home na.

Birthday Celebration of Rosey:

***We (Rosey and Me) celebrated her birthday last August 23, 2004 at Max's. Since it's Rosey I'm going out with, it's back to same old routine - me picking her up at her house and then proceeding to the place of celebration. This celebration was also a venue to play catch-up with each other's lives 'coz we seldom get to see each other. She's very busy with her professional career while I on the other hand do not have a "normal" schedule. To be honest, I'm so happy for her, for what is happening with her life. I already promised myself that since she seem to be real happy with her bf, I'll just let her be and not let my personal opinion about her bf burst her bubble. Anyways, we had a fun night out... I also realized how much I missed our easy and uncomplicated friendship. How I wish, we could turn back time for just a little while and be, once again, the carefree teenagers of UPIS batch '96.

Somebody just told me that he would be here in manila for his R&R by this weekend... let's see if he would be able to deliver. I stopped hoping (a long time ago) that he would be able to keep his word regarding this matter.

And so the countdown begins......

Would I ever have my very own happy ending? People say I'm a romantic but I tend to think of myself as a cynical little b****! Especially at times like this where I am so pissed off I could ....! But I'm not gone spill my guts here 'coz it's so petty I could think of a million ways to laugh, that is if I could find a way to find a way to make my self see the funny side of this situation. Anyways, I'm bored and sleepy but I can't go home 'coz I don't wanna "talk out" the issue right now. I need some quiet time, time to put things in perspective, time to think of what to do to take my mind away from that one pesky little thing.

Back to what I originally plan to write about before I got sidetracked... Will I ever have my happy ending? Or at the very least, will I ever find my very own little piece of heaven here in earth? What if I'm getting a bit sentimental (not sure if this is the correct word for what I am feeling right now)? I do have the right to feel this way even if in truth I'm a cynical little b****. Okay so I'm feeling a bit blue 'coz I'm missing Arbern so damn much! How I wish I could just drag him over him and never let him out of my sight...ever! But since we live in the real world where you never really get what you want, I would just need to be content with what life has to offer me. Like I have to be content with the time I got to spend with him when we went to Baguio last December and May. Don't forget the time where we we're also able to go Puerto Galera with my cousin for the summer. Yeah, I know that I should be happy with that 'coz at least I was still able to spend those times with him, but I'm still human and I can't help but wish for more. He's actually now telling me that he was just granted his R&R, yeah right! I never asked him when would he be able to take that break 'coz I don't wanna be disappointed again in case he would never be able to make it (again).

My cousin always ask me why did I ever let myself be embroiled with this kind of relationship... Honestly, I myself do not know the answer to that. All I know is that there were times when I think of him as a drug that intoxicate's me until I am unable to think. Even though there were some occasions that I am more inclined to wring his neck due to his sometimes insensitive sensibility, I still find myself wanting to ride over and over again the roller coaster like ride of emotions whenever I am with him. I try not to think of what may happen whenever we are not together, some may find me contrary 'coz I'm constantly whining about this kind of set-up yet I still let myself get sucked into this vacuum of continuously dizzying emotions when I could just get up and leave all this behind. Yeah, as if leaving is an easy thing to do. I already tried that route before and it didn't work out for me, it actually made me realize that it would never solve anything. It also allowed me to experience what life would be without him which I promptly disliked. So here I am, back to square one. Still hoping that I would finally be able to accept the life I have inevitably chosen for me. No more whining, no complaints just a graceful acceptance of whatever is ahead of me.

I'm feeling a bit okay... finally! I guess all I needed was to vent it all out. I've vented out my frustrations last night via this blog, thank goodness for blogs. At least I don't have to bother other people about my paranoias anymore.

I also got my new schedule and I would be bidding goodbye to my 10x4 shift by September 06, 2004 and saying hello to an 8x5 schedule. To be more specific, my shift would now be Tuesday to Saturday, 8:30pm-5:30am. Vet reps here are telling me that I would find the new schedule short, especially since I came from a longer shift. I'm hoping that I would also find this schedule very easy to adjust to. All I can think of right now is that I would now have time to watch all the cartoons and telenovela's (yup, I'm guilty of this!) I want in the morning. I could also meet up with friends for an early dinner somewhere near the office. Yehey, a little semblance of normalcy. But I'm still reserving my judgment on this issue 'coz I still haven't tried it yet. I'll just update this space about my views regarding this. I guess the downside of this is I now won't be able to take long vacations with you know who... that is if he would ever get his R&R approved.

I'm now at the point of my life (again!) where I am feeling a bit melodramatic. Actually I think I know the reason why I am currently feeling this way... yep it's that time of the month again. Girls out there would be able to relate with this kind of feeling, the feeling wherein you feel that you are at your most ugliest! It is also that feeling where you feel that you should have stayed home in bed to enable you to hide from other people and be "relatively safe" from outside forces (whatever they may be)!!!

A fact that I would never be able to hide from is the reality that I really need to loose some weight that I have managed to accumulate during my current work. When I started working the graveyard shift, I thought that I could finally loose some pounds because I would need to constantly adjust with the schedule. But no, no, no! Instead of loosing weight I kept on gaining weight and the only reason I could think of is that I am compensating for my lost of sleep with food (and lots of it!). So from this day forward, I vow to lessen my intake of food and to not sleep for one whole day while I am on my rest days. I need to at least pull-up, even just a little bit, my flagging self-esteem. I need to feel good about myself when I look at the mirror everyday. I owe that to myself, right?

I also need to stop feeling so paranoid about my boyfriend! I should have never listened to that taxi driver when he started telling me about my so-called "destiny". That person actually had the nerve to tell me that my current relationship is doomed to fail, sooner or later! Being the superstitious person that I am, I was immediately affected by that "revelation". To be honest, I was not able to sleep well that night even though I was so tired because of lack of sleep! Gosh, I even blurted that piece of tidbit to Arbern when I was able to talk to him after their operation. So you see, I was soooo affected by that "thing". I fervently hope and pray that he is totally mistaken 'coz I am so in love with Arbern (very true) and I am now seeing my future being spent with him at my side.