Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

Would I ever have my very own happy ending? People say I'm a romantic but I tend to think of myself as a cynical little b****! Especially at times like this where I am so pissed off I could ....! But I'm not gone spill my guts here 'coz it's so petty I could think of a million ways to laugh, that is if I could find a way to find a way to make my self see the funny side of this situation. Anyways, I'm bored and sleepy but I can't go home 'coz I don't wanna "talk out" the issue right now. I need some quiet time, time to put things in perspective, time to think of what to do to take my mind away from that one pesky little thing.

Back to what I originally plan to write about before I got sidetracked... Will I ever have my happy ending? Or at the very least, will I ever find my very own little piece of heaven here in earth? What if I'm getting a bit sentimental (not sure if this is the correct word for what I am feeling right now)? I do have the right to feel this way even if in truth I'm a cynical little b****. Okay so I'm feeling a bit blue 'coz I'm missing Arbern so damn much! How I wish I could just drag him over him and never let him out of my sight...ever! But since we live in the real world where you never really get what you want, I would just need to be content with what life has to offer me. Like I have to be content with the time I got to spend with him when we went to Baguio last December and May. Don't forget the time where we we're also able to go Puerto Galera with my cousin for the summer. Yeah, I know that I should be happy with that 'coz at least I was still able to spend those times with him, but I'm still human and I can't help but wish for more. He's actually now telling me that he was just granted his R&R, yeah right! I never asked him when would he be able to take that break 'coz I don't wanna be disappointed again in case he would never be able to make it (again).

My cousin always ask me why did I ever let myself be embroiled with this kind of relationship... Honestly, I myself do not know the answer to that. All I know is that there were times when I think of him as a drug that intoxicate's me until I am unable to think. Even though there were some occasions that I am more inclined to wring his neck due to his sometimes insensitive sensibility, I still find myself wanting to ride over and over again the roller coaster like ride of emotions whenever I am with him. I try not to think of what may happen whenever we are not together, some may find me contrary 'coz I'm constantly whining about this kind of set-up yet I still let myself get sucked into this vacuum of continuously dizzying emotions when I could just get up and leave all this behind. Yeah, as if leaving is an easy thing to do. I already tried that route before and it didn't work out for me, it actually made me realize that it would never solve anything. It also allowed me to experience what life would be without him which I promptly disliked. So here I am, back to square one. Still hoping that I would finally be able to accept the life I have inevitably chosen for me. No more whining, no complaints just a graceful acceptance of whatever is ahead of me.