Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

was "forced" to reminisce about my past loves earlier... and much to my surprise, i realized that i could actually laugh about the good and not so good experiences that i have gotten myself into for the past years. not that i would want to rehash all that i have said earlier here... no way! its one thing making kwento all the sordid details to just person, it's definitely a different thing to write it all down here. i'm not that brave enough... hahaha!

not brave enough you ask? well... i have secrets that only a select few had the "privilege" to know about. bad of me i know, but hey that's the way it goes. my blog, my rules. you don't hafta read this crap anyway, right? and as i have said before, i write here to release all my pent-up emotions... be it good or otherwise. i never could keep it all inside of me, right? i was never into bottling all my emotions and then feeling like a fraud afterwards. so as a rule, i write down what i could not say out loud. i write here, in a random notebook or piece of paper or, as a last resort, a piece of tissue paper. at least when i write about my emotions about something or someone, no one has to be burdened about thinking the appropriate response. and i wont hear how pathetic or foolish i had been.

and my point? none... just trying to work up the courage to post something i've been meaning to post ever since i started this blog. why could i not post that something? well, i don't want people adding one and one and then coming up with three.

yeah, i do have an issue with trust. big time. i can't even sleep during a foot spa session... and what's the connection? well, i can't even trust the attendant (or whatever they call the person who does foot spa) to not cut me when they were actuall trained for it. or the fact that i always needed some kind of reassurance that everything will go as planned even though i've been assured a thousand times already. my having an issue with trust actually contributed to my not so good experience in love... 'coz as we all know, in order for love to really grow one must trust the other. and since i have such a big problem with trust, i usually end up holding back or erecting a barrier between me and my supposed-to-be loved one. the ending, him walking away from me who by then is filled with regrets.

after all my experiences with trust (or lack thereof) i should have known better not to repeat it again and again right? we will see, ayt? 'coz after my last relationship went bust, i kinda promised myself to work on this trusting thing. i don't think i could go through all that again... not again, please. promise to behave.

*****

wanna say this:

i just wanna be fair to everybody involved. i know what i have not been doing. yeah, my work has been eating most of my time now and... the only thing that i was not able to say during that time was this - i wanna quit the group because everytime we get together for meetings i can't help but feel sad. sad, because it always brings back memories that i am better of without. sad, because i know that i would need to bring out my "game face" again so that nobody would feel that i'm feeling that way. sad, because i should have not let this affect the relationship we have managed to build but it still manages to come up even though i have tried to block it out my mind. sad, because i know that after this, things would never be the same again.