Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

So Darn Tired

2009-06-17T12:38:00.003+08:00

I've been working through the weekends and also clocking in more than 10 hours a day. Then, to make matters worst my laptop's not working! And since I'm working during the weekends I can't get it fixed. Darn, darn and darn again. That's mostly the reason why I haven't been posting anything here.

On a good note though, Carl's here!

Moving on

2009-06-02T18:40:00.002+08:00

Finally... I'm done with long hair. Yeah, had a haircut last Sunday which was way overdue already. You see, I was supposed to have had my hair cut years ago but I always resisted the idea 'coz of a lot of things. Dunno what made up my mind, I guess its a combination of this and that. Whatever my reasons were, I finally made the jump, err the cut, to shorter hair. Now I look like siopao with hair, bwahahaha! Nah, I look like I'm still in college! Or maybe, I just remember my college days whenever I look into the mirror because this was the same length that I maintained way back then.

I also made myself commit to one very important thing last month... hopefully I would have the courage to stand by that commitment. So no more text messages and calls to you anymore. I know that it's not gonna work out like the way I wanted it to, so I might as well end it (although it's debatable whether we actually had something going on) while I still have the strength to pick up the pieces of my life again. At syempre, you willingly cooperated - insert a very sarcastic grin. Ewan ko sa iyo! But I would still like to see you, why? Well, it's for me to know and for you to find out. So if you have the time, you know how to contact me.

Darn! My battery's running out! Gotta publish this now... Byers!

Wedding Song

2009-05-19T08:11:00.001+08:00

Inside Your Heaven
Carrie Underwood

I've been down
Now I'm blessed
I felt a revelation coming around
I guess its right, it's so amazing
Everytime I see you I'm alive
You're all I've got
You lift me up
The sun and the moonlight
All my dreams are in your eyes

And I wanna be inside your heaven
Take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way
And I wanna be the earth that holds you
Every bit of air you're breathin' in
A soothin' wind
I wanna be inside your heaven

When we touch, when we love
The stars light up
The wrong becomes undone
Naturally, my soul surrenders
The sun and the moonlight
All my dreams are in your eyes

And I wanna be inside your heaven
Take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way
And I wanna be the earth that holds you
Every bit of air you're breathing in
A soothing wind
I wanna be inside your heaven

When minutes turn to days and years
When mountains fall, I'll still be here
Holdin you until the day I die
And I wanna be inside your heaven
Take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way

I wanna be inside your heaven
Take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way
I wanna be earth that holds you
Every bit of air you're breathin' in
A soothin' wind
I wanna be inside your heaven
Oh yes I do
I wanna be inside your heaven

Although I can't sing this, given the high notes - I'll leave this to Carla May to sing, I want to sing this when I get married. For now, since I am still waiting for "the One" I'll settle to listening to the song over and over again.

Bitin Post About Our Palawan Trip

2009-05-17T10:08:00.000+08:00

I so enjoyed our Palawan sojourn, wish we could have stayed there a bit longer so we could see all there is to see. Hmmm, scrap that, I would love to just go back there again and explore the place all over again. Thanks to Carla for not making kwento that "mumu" story while we were back there or else I would have been unable to sleep! I have a lot of things to tell about the trip but as of the moment I am not inclined to write about it 'coz of plain "katamaran". You see, I've been writing a lot at work and all my creative juices have been drained out of me. Therefore I can't come up with something that would bring justice to all the adventures and mis-adventures that happened last May 9 to 11. Hopefully I could scrap about it... have lots of pictures courtesy of all our combined cameras, hehehe!

Downside of the said trip: I got sunburned to the max! Argh! Hopefully, I get my "old skin" back before our Laoag trip... We're planning to stay the longest at Pagudpud pa naman, waaahhh!!! Anyhoo, maybe I'll start my glutathione regimen again, hehehe! I also need to start exercising again! No more lazy days for me!

Still Awake

2009-05-01T10:27:00.002+08:00

Time check: 10:28AM

And I'm still wide awake! I need to sleep real soon or else I'm going to have a lot of sleep deficit. I wonder if I could even "pay-off" all my sleep dept. Sa sobrang dami, I can't keep track anymore. Way sad state of life.

Good thing I was able to communicate with Rosario, my bestest friend in the whole wide world! Yeah, yeah, it's just through YM, but what the heck, at least we have a chance to go to Laoag this coming September. I'm keeping my fingers crossed! Hopefully, she doesn't have anything scheduled at that time.

I also wanna post a shout out to Carla: Good luck in your quest to be the TeleTech Idol! I know you can do it. Don't forget to send me a copy of your performance ha? You have to win 'coz of you, that song "I Will Love Again" is now making its rounds in my head! This gotta be the worst case of LSS for me. But in fairness to the song, I kinda like it.

Temper Tantrum Up Ahead!

2009-05-01T03:51:00.000+08:00

It's 3:50AM and....

I. Want. To. Go. Home. Now!!! And I can't! Argh!!! I've been here at the office since 6PM and I'm supposed to go home at 3AM. However, I have a meeting at 4AM and then at 4:30AM. Darn it! I don't even have OT pay and yet I'm always extending my hours. Over na ako sa OTY nyan and this gotta stop! Because I wanna go home na, ang init tuloy ng ulo ko ngayon. Knowing me, whenever I feel this way, I get so mataray and kawawa naman ang kakausap sa akin. My golly gulay talaga, naiinis talaga ako. I am ready to give up... Nah, ngayon lang ito, mainit lang ang ulo ko... SOBRA! Besides, it's seldom that I rant about the extra hours I spend here at the office... kaya pagbigyan na ako. Pero gusto ko na talagang umuwi kasi super antok na ako, promise.

I'm Gonna Write Something

2009-04-28T14:22:00.002+08:00

Haaay, i really wanna write something here 'coz I've been missing this blog so damn much! I've been reading other people's blog and it always makes me miss writing here. So why haven't I been writing? Well, a combination of lots of things... one is the lack of time and energy to write something coherent, another would be my sucky internet connection here at the apartment (it actually took around a minute for this page to load! grrr!!!).

Anyways, since this page finally loaded before I fell asleep, I'd better write something na rin di ba? Actually, all I can say right now is that I am so so so excited with our upcoming Palawan trip! Gosh, only 10 freakin' days to go!!! You could just imagine my excitement, after all my last trip to the beach was last year pa. And I finally could touch base again with friends from the Nova site, Carla, Nek, Ms. Lanie... I so miss them na talaga. This trip also signals the start of many more trips to come, right Carla? So yes, I am that excited... Sorry, talagang excited lang ako. Paano ba naman, ang tagal ko ng gusto magbakasyon... You know away from all the stress at work. Pero my gulay, kinda "scared" din ako... well not really "scared", praning lang, kasi naman may humirit sa akin na malapit lang ang mga bad elements dun. Tama ba naman na takutin ako? Pero hindi, love naman kami ni God kaya walang bad na mangyayari sa amin dun.

Ibang topic naman... Ano na nangyari sa exercise thingee ko? Well, tuloy tuloy pa din, nyahahaha! For those who know me, alam nyo na I so hated exercising because I hate sweating... Pero ngayon, I feel so kulang whenever I don't have the time to exercise. Besides, feeling ko I lost control over my eating habits before and I so badly need to get back into shape. So ayan, kinda diet and exercise ang drama ko ngayon. All I could say is: Mahirap sya... Walang biro! Pero kaka-addict din, the exercise thing I mean, definitely not the diet thing (sarap kaya kumain). Basta, sarap ng feeling when I'm done with my exercise routine. Nag level-up na nga eh, before around 15 to 20 minutes lang, now kulang pa ang 40 minutes. Ang bad thing lang dito sa apartment, medj dapat wag masyadong bigay na bigay kasi kahiya naman sa mga nakatira sa baba... Basta, pag nakapunta na kayo sa apartment ko alam nyo na ang ibig kong sabihin, hehehehe!!!

Hopefully, matuloy din ang kunyaring mini-outing ng mga HCD folks in Subic. Gosh, been here for a year na and I haven't even "experienced" the rest of Pampanga! True yan, office and apartment lang ako dito... well, not quite, take into consideration that our office is just at SM San Fernando. So almost everyday nasa SM ako, nyahahaha!

My gulay, 2:48pm na at hindi pa ako natutulog. I'd better sleep, or else waaay late na naman ako nyan later, have to exercise pa naman...

Nytnyt folks!

Kinda Draft

2009-04-07T05:49:00.000+08:00

I'm hungry... Actually, I've been hungry for more than 3 months now (yan ang feeling ng isang taong nagda-diet). Started dieting mainly because of Michelle's wedding and then I realized that we'll be going to Palawan come May so I decided to just continue with my "less rice" diet. Now, I'm even exercising! Yeah, you heard it right pipz, I am now exercising. Not the super serious exercise thingee, just a 15 to 20 minute low impact workout at home before I take my bath. Hopefully, that would make a difference before the Palawan trip, bwehehehe! Kinda excited kasi ako sa trip na yun 'coz that trip actually jump starts my travel plans for the whole year. So yeah, I'll be going to Palawan this coming May, then by September I'll be going to Laoag and come December, I'll be flying to Dumaguete, Bohol and Siquijor. I wanna see the rest of the Philippines before I get married... WTF, where did that came from?!!! So yes, I do have plans to walk down that proverbial aisle (just not that long of an aisle my dear Michelle, I almost fell off my face 'coz I was laughing while walking down that red carpet).

So what's going down with my life these past few weeks? Haven't been updating here 'coz I'm having a heck of a time organizing words in my head to come up with a decent post. COme to think of it, I have dozens of discarded drafts for would-be updates but I never did get to finish any one of them. Composing an entry nowadays is like listening to recordings of calls submitted to us for issuance of NTE - PAINFUL! Painful in such a way that you want to stop listening to the call because you're having a hard time understanding what the agent is saying and would like to jump in and say, "this is how you say it so you get your point accross". Argh... see, my thoughts are just all over the place! I thought, maybe, I just need a full weekend for myself ('coz for the past few weekends I've been going home to Manila and essentialy not getting any rest out of my supposedly "rest days") here in Pampanga and do nothing but sleep so I could get back my penchant for writing. But given the jumbled up state of my thoughts, I guess that one weekend is not enough. Let's see if by next week I can come up with a more decent post than this one.

Since I can' t up with good updates about my life, I'll leave you guys with something I saw from someone else's blog (was doing a bit of blog hopping when I stumbled upon these "quotes" - dunno who owns the blog though):

"This is for those girls, who fell back in love with a guy, only to get hurt all over again..."

"This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist."

"When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it."

"One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will."

Does these "quotes" apply to me right now? Well, not really... I'm good with that part of my life right now. I've accepted the fact that he will just be a friend... only a friend from now on. Just want to post these "quotes" here to remind myself that I once went through all that crappy, crying, almost down and out stage of my life but I eventually passed them and I'm now doing just fine.

dreams

2009-03-12T12:15:00.002+08:00

I dreamt of you last night... I woke up with feelings that I can't explain and I just had to connect with you (which I did). I don't know what the dream meant nor do I want to know. All I know is that it made me think about you and what should have been. Yeah, it made me sad but it also made me face things that I have been avoiding up until now. I want to say more but my mind can't function that well since I feel so sleepy na... Which reminds me, it's already 12:21PM and I am still here. Better get my butt off this chair and start walking to my apartment to get some sleep.

Rediscover

2009-03-06T01:58:00.000+08:00

I am slowly but surely rediscovering the joys of blogging again... For quite some time now, I have been having a hard time composing a decent entry for my blog, but now I can't seem to stop myself from creating an entry, either directly in blogger or on the notepad of my PC/lappy. I have also been reading the blog entries of random people now, whereas before I only read the blogs of people I personally know. I really want this blog to be something that I could always refer back to whenever I wanna reminisce, which was my original reason for setting up a blog in the first place... basically just like a personal journal in cyberspace.

When I was still in high school and up until my college years, I have always maintained a diary of some sorts. Writing became my outlet whenever I have some things that I want to work out on my own or I'm not yet ready to discuss with another person. I found out that I could actually process whatever it is that has been bugging me whenever I write it down. It sort of makes things a lot clearer from my perspective, seeing said thoughts in black and white. Although I have to admit that I was a lot more straight forward when I was still just writing my thoughts in my diary back then 'coz now I catch myself "screening" what I am writing in this blog because at the back of my head, I know that this is not a personal site and there are just some things that I am not ready to announce to the whole world wide web. But now, things will definitely change since I want this blog to chronicle what I have been going doing throughout the years, both the good and the bad, 'coz that's the reality of my life. So people, let this be a warning... from now on I will try my very best not to censor my thoughts whenever I am writing down an entry, therefore, you will either just hate, love or be plain bored with me. I will write whatever it is I am feeling right at that moment, whether I am happy, sad, disappointed, frustrated, elated, tired... well you get my point. And to start it off, here's a short entry about my day earlier.

I reported to work at 9AM which is a deviation from my normal schedule at work... Why? Well to be honest I was not able to get a good night sleep last night and was not able to coax my body to get up on time. Good thing I also have a lot of things to iron out during the day, plus the fact that I kinda have a flexi sked set-up with my boss. I so love working during the day now because it gives me sense of normalcy but due to business needs I still have to report during the night. The down side of working during the day is that I always, always extend my working hours so that I could still be at the office until the start of business, which is usually at 10PM. Take for example today... I reported at 9AM but I was only able to log out at 12:20AM, that's basically 15 hours spent at the office. This is the reason why I do not have a social life to speak of, very pathetic of me I know.

Before I forget... I have to decide now whether I am gonna push through with my application with another company. I already passed the initial interview and I was supposed to be interviewed by the manager of the department but I pushed back at the last minute. Why?! Because for one, I was not willing to travel to Makati for the said interview after my shift then go back again to Pampanga in time for my next shift at work. Another reason is that, there's already a "lot" of employees from mhy current company who's working there already. Nu yun, mini-reunion ng mga ex-employees galing sa T------h? Now, I am looking for a way to back out from that application, however, I am still not 100% sure if that is really what I want right now. Gulo ko din kasi eh. I am giving myself up until the weekend to decide, if by Monday I still don't have a decision, I will just proceed with the interview and then go from there. So good luck to me, hope I could make the right decision this time.

Daily Forecast

2009-03-04T09:40:00.002+08:00

Look what I read when I opened my mail last night:

Elizabeth :
Welcome to Your Daily Forecast for Mar 3, 2009

You won't be budged from your hot pursuit of whatever (or whoever) you're after for any reason. That includes their express wishes, your state of physical or emotional exhaustion or even the restraints of society. You should, however, consider apologizing -- if you can get them to listen.

All I can say for now is... BULLSEYE!

Silly Songs

2009-03-03T11:26:00.003+08:00

I just have to post these songs here before I actually forget that I am supposed to be looking for them in the web. As of now, I have yet to find a place where I can download them for... free, LOL!

Oh yeah, just a simple warning though... These songs are definitely not for happy people.

"Inside"

Inside...
Inside...
Inside...
Inside...

Last night when I saw you
With somebody new
You asked how I've been
And I, I told you I was fine
And as you held each other close
I smiled and said it's good to see you
And you didn't know

Inside
I'm cryin' baby
Inside
I'm dyin' baby
I don't wanna let you see
Baby what you've done to me
So I keep it all inside (inside)
Inside (inside)

Sometimes when you call me
I don't know what to say
You say I've been on your mind
And we'll talk again sometime
You say you're glad we can be friends
I say I'm over all the heartache
But it's all pretend

Inside
I'm cryin' baby
Inside
I'm dyin' baby
I don't wanna let you see
Baby what you've done to me
So I keep it all inside
Inside

Outside I'm smilin' baby
Outside these tears just can't be found
But I'm just breaking down

INSIDE
Don't you know that I am dyin' baby (dyin' baby)
I don't wanna let you see
Baby what you've done to me
So I'll keep it all INSIDE

Yeah, I'm cryin' baby
Inside
I'm dyin' baby
I don't wanna let you see
Baby what you've done to me
So I'll keep it all inside
I'll just keep it all inside
Inside
Inside

---------------------

"What Hurts The Most"

Yeah...yeah
Oh...oh...
Oh...
Listen

Boy, it's been a long time
Since the last time I saw you
Feels like nothin' changed
Since we've been together
I must admit that I go crazy for you

And I can see it in your eyes
That there's somethin' you want to say to me
'Cause usually right now
You'll be holdin' on to me
But instead you tell me

Things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through

And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
I know things are different now, you've gone and settled down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait me

I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took the chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all the love oh, how I'm missing now

I hate that there is someone new
Comin' in and takin' my place
Doin' the things that we used to do
And makin' love to you

And oh, what am I supposed to do
It's killin' me 'cause I want you
And you should have known my love was true
And there's no one else in this world for me but you

But things have changed, they're not the same
And recently you found someone that you
Decided to dedicate your whole life to
And what we had is 'bout to be through

And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
You know things are different now, you're gonna settle down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait for me

I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took a chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all your love oh, how I'm missing now

I know that I'm the one to blame for losing you, oh, yeah
I really, really wish that I could be happy for you
There's just one thing I need you to do
Don't you touch her like you used to touch me
Don't you love her like you really need me
Don't you love her like you used to love me

And baby, what hurts the most is letting go
I just want you to know that I love you so
But things are different now, you're gonna settle down
And I thought for sure you'd always wait me

I'll tell you what hurts the most is I should have took a chance
Boy, when you came to me and offered me your hand
Silly of me I thought I'll always have your heart
I had the chance to have all your love oh, how I'm missing now

What hurts the most is letting go
Just to let you know I love you so
What hurts the most is letting go
Just to let you know I love you so

What hurts the most

-----------------------
See what I mean? They are such sad, sad, sad songs. So why am I looking for them? Well I wanna add them to my "heartbreak" song list.

Thankful

2009-03-02T14:53:00.003+08:00

I just spent 2 hours reading through almost 4 years worth of written entries of this blog and I kinda feel tired... LOL!!!! My gosh, it seems like I am always either, tired, depressed or just plain crazy whenever I write in here. I rarely write my happy moments here. This blog basically became my sounding board whenever I feel like I'm nearing my breaking point. So to my ever faithful blog, forgive me if I just run to you whenever I feel sad, it's not really my intention for you to be the dumping ground of all my depressing thoughts and musings. I therefore promise to write happy moments in my life here also, you know to balance out all the negative energy surrounding this space of mine.

To start...

I finally reconnected with Ms. Grace again, yey! She was my first ever boss when I started doing HR work way back then. She's going to arrange a mini-reunion with the Sterling folks - happy, happy, happy!

And yeah, I wanna thank you for letting me keep you awake until 2am this morning. It was fun making you kulit and all that. I missed our talks before, the one that came before the fights.

again and again and again and again...

2009-03-02T03:45:00.001+08:00

I am perilously near to being a broken record, damn! Why can't I just stop when it comes to you? Darn it, darn it and darn it again! Then to make matter worst (not really, I'm just being a baby about it) this is what's going round and round in my head:

I wanna fly and spread my wings
Don't wanna cry, I wanna sing
I wanna live and take a chance
I'm not afraid to love again
I wanna fall, fall for you
And I want you to fall for me too

Yeah, yeah not the most apt song for the situation I am in, but what the heck? This gotta be the worst LSS I've been in...

On to other updates... I've been boring myself writing all about my issues and problems, LOL! Hmmm, well I got a loot bag from my cousin - insert big smile here - yey! I now have a big stash of colognes, perfumes and lotions to last me for two years or more. Oh don't forget chocolates that would probably expire in our fridge if I forget to bring them over to the office, as I am not fond of chocolates. But my best news ever is that I met Cai again! Double yey!!! Gosh, I so missed the brat. Even though we were really not able to talk, her bodyguard was present, I still enjoyed seeing her again. I just wish we I could see her more often... What else? Hmmm, my mind's getting muddled, I guess I better get some sleep for now.

Standing Still

2009-02-25T06:21:00.000+08:00

I cried because of you again... but I promise that will be the last time I will cry because of you. I am stopping this sick cycle NOW because it has to stop for my sake. I have let go of my pride but it never meant anything to you. What I did before never did matter to you a bit. All that mattered is what YOU want. I finally get it... you never did love me, not even when you told me the words. You told me in so many words that it was my fault... and maybe I was at fault but I refuse to take all the blame of what happened before. We were to blame. Me and my walls and you and your distrust. Gosh, up until now, you never did believe me when I told you that you were my first. Ain't that funny?! How would you know? Were you there when it happened, my supposed first?! That should have been my first clue, that we will never work out, but no, I was so blinded with my feelings for you that I let that one go... just like all the things that I ignored which eventually lead to us not working out. You had your chance... My gosh, I was just a half-step away from jumping again into the abyss that you created! Thank you for stopping me and making me see that I deserve better. Yes, I still love you but I will love myself more now. There will be no more what if's because you just showed me a glimpse of my future. I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life so I will move on and thank God that I have finally gotten my closure... from you nonetheless. I now know that I will get my happy ending, not from you, but from somebody who will love and appreciate me for who I am. I have said my final and last goodbye to you. Even though I did not get what I think I want, I have gotten a more precious gift and that is the lesson that I am worthy to be loved because I deserve it.

You never did deserve me because I loved you with all of my heart but you just threw that away and chose to believe your own twisted imaginings. I will be happy even without you by my side, just you wait and see!

----------------------

I feel such a ninny! After writing all of the above I am now feeling so low! Honestly, I am back to feeling that I should have just gotten over my pride and just said YES and to hell with what's gonna happen in the future. I feel so weak and incapable of deciding what is really best for me. Why is it that I always get this feeling whenever I have to deal with him? With other areas of my life I am my logical self and always thinks about the future but with him I am different... I just can't force myself to go with whatever decision that I have made and just stick with it until the end. To put it bluntly, he is my biggest weakness, the chink in my armor that I could never, in a million years, ignore. You heard that right, even though I have made myself promise, at least a hundred times over, that I will move on and forget about him, I never did get pass that stage. I am forever stuck in the whole cycle of crazy emotions and tears and promises to oneself that never materialized. I know that I so do not need this right now but why can't I just get over myself and just stop putting myself through all this? Am I really supposed to feel this way? Do I really deserve this? Do I really deserve to love a man who will never love me back the way I love him?

b.r.o.k.e.n.

2009-02-21T21:55:00.003+08:00

This is something that I wrote a couple of days ago, February 19 to be exact...

I sound like a broken record and somebody who cannot follow through on her promises but I just really need to let this out or I'm gonna break down - BIG TIME! I feel like I am the BIGGEST loser in the entire galaxy right now. I cannot seem to do anything right. I am always being pulled back by whatever it is that is pulling me back and I can't seem to get away from it. (Note to self: This kinda applies to both my personal and professional life now.) And as I do whenever I am in a jam I usually fantasize that I am just going to bail out and walk out on the problem falsely thinking that it will be alright in the end. I know that is really a bad attitude to take but that is me and I try to live with that weakness of mine. So Can i Go Now? Yeah, just like that song... I really just wanna go and leave all these shitty things behind me, to be forever forgotten. Well, not really forget about it 'coz I will definitely remember what I will not be doing again! So what is that?! A rainbow at the end of the storm? LOL!!!

BUT after all that venting out (and a bit of crying), I know that I will not just give up that easily this time around. I will fight until the end and will see all these through and I know that I will come out on top... Maybe not in very good condition, but I will still win. So what will I do? I'll start with all the case summaries that i have to finish. I think currently I have more than 15 case summaries to finish!!! But I will exert best efforts to finish all of them by Monday shift next week. Argh! Pressure!!! Then I will finish all the clearances by Friday so I could send the lot of them by Saturday this week. I would also rollout those 2 new policies to all trainers starting Friday's shift so I would be able to pace myself but still meet the deadline, which was set on Wednesday next week. Next in line would be the training of the folks at the office so all would know what is expected from them starting from that time. Another thing that I have to finish is the audit of all files encoded, which is a lot!!! Hmmm, I think around 5 long brown envelopes full!!! Finally, I have to focus on all those notices that needs to be sent out. That needs to be closed next week as well. There you go... what the rest of this month will look for me. Hopefully, I get to sleep and rest in between.

So to you... Will you please just be around because I need you right now. I need the high that you give to me. So my answer to your question is... YES.

And Now, here's what I think... Well, actually a song is more appropriate...

Call Me When You're Sober

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

Are you coming or going, please make up your mind now or I'm gonna give up. I again have an internal deadline and I think you know when that would be. Just 3 more days and the game will finally be over. The ball is now in your court...

Ups and Downs

2009-02-17T18:39:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm in limbo. I don't know whether I am floating up or falling down with all that is happening right now in my personal life. One would say that I am happy or just feeling giddy or if one is pessimistic, one could say that I am feeling the after effects if being so high (last night!). As of 6:42PM today, I have not heard from the one person that I would like to hear from. Maybe, what happened then was mere fluke and that I was taken for a ride, big time if I may say so! Maybe, you never meant what you said... Why is that when I have finally made up my mind you will do things on the contrary? Can you make up your mind once and for all? 'Coz I already have a decision.. I am ready to take another step but are you really there to take that step with me?

Is This For Real?

2009-02-17T06:29:00.002+08:00

You said that you love me and I don't know how to process that... By process, I meant, do I actually believe you or not. My belief in other people (okay, guys in general) is more less not there. Yeah, I think that is something I really have to work out if I wanna get my "happily ever after" eventually. But, honestly do you really feel that way? One reason why I find that hard to believe is because we not been, really, talking for a long time already and now you're gonna tell me that. Hmmm, that, I think, is just so hard to believe.

You asked me a question, that you said is answerable by just a "yes" or "no", however I hope you really understood why I cannot answer immediately. There's just so many things to consider. In all honestly, I want to say "yes", 'coz I've been waiting for this for a long time now, but I now find out that what you are offering me is not enough and I want more. Yeah, I am a selfish little bitch who just wants to have it all. Hopefully, you'll hang in there for a little while until I finally make up my mind. I am hoping that this is not just a "phase" and that I am now your rebound girl because I want to have that chance. Just a shot with happiness again, is that too much to ask?

C-R-Y

2009-02-05T09:54:00.000+08:00

Can I please cry for a minute or two? I don't know but I am feeling quite invincible right now. Am I really here or am I just a figment of their imagination? Maybe I am just a non-entity who is very dispensible. I know that I just wrote yesterday that I am going to just grin and bear it but that's not who I am. However, I will be silent for I do not have the capability (right now) to fight all of these battles on my own. But I will do something about this... Maybe in a month or two I could go back to Manila so that all of these would just stop. And maybe, all the static in my brain will finally cease and I will be whole again.

No More!

2009-02-04T07:52:00.001+08:00

I'm so freaking out right now! There's just a million things to do and I, for the life of me, cannot find the time to do it all. And yes I am complaining, but this would also be the last time I'm gonna complain about work. All this whining has got to stop as I am not a baby anymore. I could take all this crap, but in the end, I'm going to finish - finish on top. I will not let all these darn things ruin my entire life. Work is just work. Okay, given the rate things are going right now, I spend almost 65 percent of my waking hours at the office, which means I still have 35 percent of those waking hours for myself. Thus, I am making a promise right now that I would not let work encrouch those measly 35 percent of "ME" time. Further, I would also not let a certain individual mess up my "sunny" disposition as of late.

Double Argh!!!

2009-02-03T09:40:00.003+08:00

I made a promise to myself before that I would not think negative thoughts anymore but I really can't help it! I definitely need to rant out now as my next shift is in jeopardy of being affected! I am just feeling so mad! Why does she have to ruin all of it? Doesn't she know that this is taking just about everybody's patience to the limit? One could never please her... argh! I so do not like her now! I thought I could just stay neutral but no, she just have to ruin it all! So to you: Would you please take some time out to look back into your recent actions? It's just NOT the behavior I expect from somebody who's supposedly leading the darn thing!

A New Week

2009-02-02T10:09:00.003+08:00

Or should I say, a new phase in my life? I finally realized this weekend that there is no use holding on to the past. The past will just be the past and it will stay there because it does not have any place in the present and future. Also, even if you try your very best to not let go of the past you will never be able to drag the past in your present life. This should not be new to me as I have been struggling with this dilemma for quite some time now. My problem actually lies with the fact that I am still hoping that someday my past will be my future or at the very least my present (instant gratification). However, over the past weekend I finally decided and accepted that I should fully let go of all that crap because it's just crap. No matter how much I wish or hope for it, I know that I will never be able to get what I want in regard to that. Yeah, I should have done this realization thing way earlier than just last weekend but I am just that type of gal who have trouble letting go. I need to really stand by my decisions and see it through until the finish line. So to all that crap... GOODBYE. I will now live my life in the here and now. All of those things would not in any way affect how I live my life now because I am much happier now. I have achieved what I haven't achieved then. I finally realized that I really can do it. That I have what it takes to turn my life around and be able to take on problems head on without crumbling down. So yesterday will be the last day I am going to make all that an issue. TODAY is the day... the day that I will never look back anymore because the past will just be the past.

Homework!

2009-01-29T13:18:00.002+08:00

Thank God for my laptop! Now I could finish some of my work here at the apartment. I know that I should not be bringing home work but I can't help it. I just have lots and lots of things to do and I can't find the time to do all of them at the office. Why? Well, there's a lot of interruptions, plus the fact that I am constantly holding roadshows... argh!!! Work, work, work! It's just all about work. So far I have finished 4 NTE's and has also drafted 2. I just need to do one more when I get to the office. Here's to wishing that I could send all of the work I have done successfully via email!

I gotta go, again! I have a meeting by 11pm tonight and I can't afford to miss this one as this would be presided by our director. It's just that I know this will be an extra work load for me... I am so hoping that they would assign somebody for this project!

BTW, somebody's birthday is just 2 days away... so to you: A very Happy Birthday. I wish I could at least talk to you on your special day. And yes, I do miss you... even though I'm not supposed to.

Try.. Try... Try...

2009-01-27T13:27:00.002+08:00

Instead of doing the update at home with my oh so slow internet connection, I'm trying my luck here at the office... Bad girl! Funny thing lang kasi, I can't see my actual blog but I could log in, create posts and publish. Anyways, it's already 1:30PM and I'm still here at the office! When will this overstaying stop?! Oh well, that's life. Hopefully, I get to have the whole weekend for myself and I plan to get a full body massage and then sleep the whole weekend away. I guess, I just have to buy a lot "melatonin" so I could sleep for long periods of time. Still having trouble sleeping, bah! And if I get that whole weekend for myself, I promise to post a long and in-depth entry here. I noticed that my posts are just so blah and babaw, hehehe. I guess, I'm just tired and can't really think that well. So, tada for now...

"The Secret"

2009-01-26T14:55:00.002+08:00

The planning session last Saturday lasted a total of 11 hours, which meant that I had a whopping 16 hours of work! There goes my other plans for the weekend. However, I learned a lot from the planning session including getting to know about the concept of "The Secret". If one would just think back and look deeper into the events that happened then I guess one would see the "truthfulness" of the concept. But there's this thingee incorporated in the said concept that is basically saying that we are "setting-up" ourselves for all the things happening in our lives, good or bad. Hmmm... Oh well, I guess that's reality for you, there would always be good and bad, happiness and sadness... and the list goes on which is basically the idea of the whole yin and yang theory. Anyways, I decided to try and apply "The Secret" in my life and see what happens.

Some kinda hell of a week

2009-01-23T13:01:00.004+08:00

Thank God that this week is about to end! Thank God it's already Friday... I at least have the Sunday to look forward to as it's still all about work this coming Saturday! Oh my golly gulay, can somebody just fast forward this month and the next month please?!!! I have an inkling that next month will be be a much more hectic month than this as there have been some MAJOR MAJOR change happening at work. The change is a good AND bad thing... that is all I would say regarding this matter right now since we are still just at the starting line. We definitely have a looooong way to go before we settle (or not settle) in this entirely new set-up. I just feel so bad with how they handled what happened. Maybe it's because I have a feeling that there's still another way to handle the situation. Oh crap, I will not cry over that thing right now for what is done is done. I just have to get over myself and start thinking positively 'coz that's the only way to go if I still want to be effective with my position. But man, it's definitely getting more and more hectic and stressful at work. I guess I gotta say a big goodbye to "Work Life Balance" as I am already anticipating a 14-hour work day every damn day! This would mean NO social life for me until this thing at the office stabilizes! And how long would that be? Hopefully just for another 3 months! Oh please let it just be 3 months!

I gotta log off so I could sleep. I'm working from 11pm tonight until 5pm tomorrow so I need all the sleep that I could get! HELP!

MONDAY blues...

2009-01-19T13:16:00.002+08:00

It's Monday... again! This means that in just a few hours its back to the office again! Argh! Why don't we have 3 weekend days? And if that "planning session" would push through this coming Saturday, it would mean that I would only have a single day to recharge my batteries! Wait, I won't even have that day 'coz I need to go to manila for that fitting session! Double argh!

Good thing I was able to be, kind of, productive during the weekend. I was finally able to download the ebooks that I ordered last November. But since I have a very slow internet connection it took me hours to download the lot of them to my laptop. Now I could order some more ebooks. I kinda have a list ready at the office, so I just might shoot an email to my "supplier" tonight. Nice! Ever since I discovered my current "supplier" of ebooks I now do not religiously go to the bookstore for books. It's more cheaper this way... hehehe! Good thing I could also use my PSP in reading the stuff or else I would forever be staring at my laptop just to be able to read some of these ebooks. Oh well, you can't have it all right?

Will be logging off soon... I need to get me some sleep or else I will be so sleepy at the office and I can't afford that since I have a lot of stuff to work on tonight. Hopefully I get at least 5 hours of sleep as soon as I log off.

a VERY hectic week

2009-01-17T16:41:00.002+08:00

I am so mentally and physically drained right now! There was so much work and so little time to do them. So many things are happening at once at the office and we are kinda at our wits end on how to keep up. In fact I was so tired by the time I get home that I was not able to update this blog. All I wanted to do was fall asleep and dream that I was far far far away! Anyways, this too shall pass, we just have to work our asses off first.

There's really nothing to say unless I wanna write about what I did at the office and I don't wanna get into that right now 'coz it's the weekend and I surely don't wanna think about work again. All I could say is that I'm going to try to zero out my sleep deficit... therefore I'm probably going to sleep for the whole weekend.

Less than 24 hours in Manila

2009-01-11T11:09:00.001+08:00

Am back here in San Fernando. Hitched a ride from the company's van so I would not feel quite so tamad to go back. Anyways, I really had a nice time bonding with Ms. Lanie and Anna (Nek was unable to join due to hubby constraints). I kinda ate a lot! I had a cup of rice, crispy kangkong, crispy pata, calamares, sinigang na pork and buko shake at Dencio's then blueberry crepe and strawberry and apple smoothie at UCC. My gosh, that was a feast for me already 'coz I'm cutting down my food intake because of that wedding! Argh! But it was really nice "up there" in Capitol Hills since Dencio's was situated up high, I saw the cityscape of QC. Then we tranferred to Tomas Morato to have coffee sana at Starbucks but since the place was packed we had to look for another place so we went to UCC. Good thing 'coz I already miss eating there and they have yummy desserts and their drinks are not sweet... just right for me.

Hopefully my brother will get here before 5pm 'coz I am sooo sleepy na, I only had 4 hours of sleep so I could be at trinoma by 9am. Hmmm, maybe I'll sleep after this...

Weekend... Weekend... Weekend!

2009-01-10T07:46:00.002+08:00

It's the weekend... finally! I'm going back to Manila to meet up with Ms. Lanie, Anna and Nek for a long overdue "gimik". This was supposed to happen during the holiday season but due to scheduling conflicts we were not able to meet up. After this meeting, I'm targeting to meet Cai and her kiddies. Hopefully our schedules would jive so we could meet. Besides, I would definitely need to go back to Manila before the month ends 'coz I need to get measured up for my dress for Michelle's wedding (note to self: I definitely need to get serious with my so-called fitness plan - translation: never forget to take those white capsules! hehehe, daya!)

Anyways, I have to log-off soon 'coz I need to get some sleep before my trip back or else I'm not gonna enjoy our meeting 'coz I'll be too sleepy by then.

Happy Weekend!!!

Dum Di Doo...

2009-01-08T09:03:00.002+08:00

I so love this song right now...

IMPOSIBLE
by KC Concepcion

Akala mo hindi ko kaya
Ang iwanan at limutin ka
Akala mo, akala ko
Akala nating dalawa
Tayong dalawa.
Eto ka n naman
Walang alam, walang pakialam
Di mo ba nakikita
Sa 'king mga mata
Hindi ako nasasaktan
Hindi kita kinakailangan
Hindi ako nagdaramdam
IMPOSIBLE!
Pag- ibig mo'y limot ko na
Hindi kita inaalala
Hindi na 'ko aasa pa
IMPOSIBLE!

Ang labo mo naman kausap
Di mo pa ba nakukuha
Hoy, naririnig mo ba ako
Pakiusap, pakiusap naman
Wag ka nang magtanong
Pakinggan mo na lang itong binubulong
Ng puso ko sa puso mo
At hindi itong sinasabi ko woahhh...
Hindi ako nasasaktan
Hindi kita kinakailangan
Hindi ako nagdaramdam
IMPOSIBLE!
Pag- ibig mo'y limot ko na
Hindi kita inaalala
Hindi na 'ko aasa pa
IMPOSIBLE!

Mangyari 'yan
Hinding hindi, hindi mo ba alam
Tanging ikaw lang sa puso ko
Sa isip at gunita ko

Hindi ako nasasaktan
Hindi kita kinakailangan
Hindi ako nagdaramdam
IMPOSIBLE!
Pag- ibig mo'y limot ko na
Hindi kita inaalala
Hindi na 'ko aasa pa
IMPOSIBLE!
Sa bawat araw at gabi
Hinding hindi kita naiisip
Kahit man lang isang saglit
IMPOSIBLE!
Pilitin mang limutin ka
Ngunit Hinding hindi magawa
Paano nga ba magawa
Ang IMPOSIBLE...

IMPOSIBLE...

IMPOSIBLE...

IMPOSIBLE...

'La lang... kaka-relate ba ako? Hmmm, that's for me to know and for you not to find out!

So Tired

2009-01-07T12:00:00.002+08:00

Tired, that is what I am right now after an almost 13-hour shift. Not only that, I have to report to work earlier than usual as we are expecting a "very important person" tonight at 9pm. My gosh, and this is just my second shift for the year! Well, I was expecting this... I knew this year would be tiring as ever. But, truth be told, I am kinda enjoying it. Yeah, I know it's ironic, me enjoying the very tiring and stressful work... but yes, I am enjoying it... still.

But at least, I have something to look forward to this coming May. We are going to Palawan! Yes, I agreed to go to Palawan with a whole lot of people. I can't back out 'coz we have already booked round trip flights. I am excited but a bit "scared" 'coz I know I have to venture far away from my comfort zone 'coz they are planning hiking and camping activities which I am not that fond of. I know, I'm gonna hear a lot of teasing if I start whining about stuff. Good thing we have a "medical team" as we have a doctor and 3 nurses joining the trip. Anyways, we still have four months to get ready and I'm definitely gonna get ready...

Back to WORK!

2009-01-06T10:59:00.002+08:00

I survived my first shift for the year 2009! Well technically my second shift 'coz I kinda reported to work last January 2 at our Nova site to do some approving. Anyways, I'm kinda feeling a bit sleepy right now because I'm still adjusting to the whole night shift thingee again... I was hoping I could practice the whole "Work Life Balance" thing but it seems like I started the year not following that. I still managed to render a 12-hour shift even though I already thought of going home at 7am. "Honda" na sana ako, pero syempre there's a million and one things to do, so I was forced to extend! Hopefully, I could minimize all those extended hours - as if!

Gotta go... Have to go to sleep or else I'm gonna be late for work! And I don't want that now 'coz I'm aiming on going home at 7am.

Back here...

2009-01-05T00:12:00.002+08:00

I'm now here in San Fernando... Still feeling a bit sad about the end of my kinda long vacation. I just wish there's some way I could prolong the holidays so I could stay at home. If only, I could go back to our Nova site... But that's definitely wishful thinking on my part. Good thing my brother is still here with me, however, he's also gonna go to Bataan in just a few hours... then I'm gonna be alone... again. Well, not really alone, I have Macor with me here at the apartment and my office mates at the office... but it's still not the same. I wish... I wish... I wish...

Enough of that, I chose this. I chose to be assigned here in Pampanga so I better stop wishing that I wasn't here right now! Anyways, home is really just an hour away and I could always go home whenever I want to. I think I'm gonna go back there this coming weekend 'coz I have to do the fitting thingee for Michelle's wedding or else I'm cooked! So there. Stop whining Lizzie, alright?!!!

Have to go now, I still have to organize my files. I copied a lot of old files from my PC back at home and I want to do this right, this time around. Be back, hopefully, tomorrow after work.

Just a few hours away...

2009-01-03T23:23:00.002+08:00

I kinda feel a bit sad right now 'coz I'm going back to Pampanga in just a few hours. The long vacation (12 days to be exact) is near it's end. Back to work for me, which also means that I'm going back to the night shift! Argh! I so love the mid shift but I was told that they want be back on the night shift so there.

Anyways, I'm gonna miss a lot of things when I go back to Pampanga. But I know that I will definitely miss my parents and my brother. I don't know, but I usually feel this whenever I have to leave our house after a long vacation. Like before, when I was still studying in Baguio... Whenever I have to back to Baguio after the sem break or Christmas break, I usually feel so sad when it's time to say goodbye to my parents and my brother 'coz school's gonna start again. I remember that I used to cry at the bus going back to Baguio. Dunno, but I have this separation anxiety thingee going on whenever I have to say goodbye, and maybe that is the reason why I really suck at goodbyes! I guess, I just hate goodbyes 'coz goodbyes are synonymous to missing people. And i just do not like the feeling of missing somebody, of not being able to see that person regularly or not being able to talk, hug or kiss that somebody. And yes, I'm going of tangent now...

So back to my going to Pampanga and back to work... As I am saying before I'm going back to the night shift, which means that I have to sleep during the day again. This also means that I would be incommunicado again during the weekdays and Saturdays 'coz I'm asleep! So if you guys would like to speak to me, call or text me at night, unless I have meetings galore at that time I probably would answer or reply back.

There's another reason why I kinda don't want this vacation to end... I am fervently hoping that he would not bug (call, text or show his face) me when I go back there. Not that I hate him, I just do not like him and the things he said in my voice mail. It's kind of creeping me out. I hope he was just able to say those things because he was under the influence of alcohol, or he just sounds like he was under the influence of alcohol. But whatever the case may be, I am really hoping that it would all end NOW! Please!

Good thing, my brother's going with me tomorrow. I asked him to accompany me so I'll have somebody to help me adjust to the life back there. I just wish that would be enough.

December 31, 2008, 10:40PM

2008-12-31T22:37:00.002+08:00

I've been staring at this space for 10 minutes now and still cannot organize my thoughts so I could write a fairly decent entry... Yikes, I think something's wrong me! Hopefully I'm just excited 'coz the year 2009 is just sixty-four minutes away!

Anyways, here's to a HAPPY 2009 for all of us! Cheers!

NEW YEAR!!!

2008-12-31T11:10:00.002+08:00

Ilang oras na lang, 2009 na! OMG, I feel so...
...excited
...a bit giddy
...frustrated
...confused
...sad
...but in the end still happy!!!

Hmmmm, truth be said I really do not know what I am feeling right now. I kinda feel mixed up in the inside because of... well, let's not get into that right now. Anyways, I know that I should be happy and excited because of a lot of things but (yeah there's a "but" and a big one at that)I somehow cannot find the energy to be JUST happy and excited.

Oh well, now that I have "Lappy" I can now update this blog whenever I want to and I really promise to do my updates religiously. I need some kind of outlet for my frustrations and angsts so I could somehow work it out. Hmmmm, maybe that's the missing piece of my life right now. Ever since I transferred to Pampanga, I had very little contact with my friends... which means that I have no one to talk to about what's going on in my life. Yeah, I have made friends at Pampanga but I still want to be really in my comfort zone... and the only way that would happen is when I have my old friends with me. As it is, I spend most of my weekends at the apartment doing absolutely nothing! And now I am officially rambling! This is supposed to be a post about the upcoming new year but I've let my thoughts stray.

Oh well... Merry New Year to all!!! I

For Now

2008-11-30T09:17:00.003+08:00

I'm back, but not for long... Well for one, I really do not have time to update this blog and the fact that blogger is banned from the office makes updating a bit more difficult and let's not talk about my crappy internet connection here at home. Argh! But I really do miss writing here, especially during the times I wanna shout but cannot or when I wanna cry but will not allow myself to do so. Crap, crap, crap! Why oh why can I not do all the things that I want to do? Oh well, that's my reality for now, so I guess I have to make do with that for the time being. So here goes my way of trying to cram the past few months of my life...

* I have a roommate in my apartment. I decided that I don't want to pay that much for my rent (I'd rather spend the money on other things), hence the roommate. So far, so good. Hope it stays that way. Unless...

* I am now on a mid-shift schedule... finally! This is a big deal for me since I have been on night shift for almost 4 years now. I get to sleep when it is still literally dark outside. Plus, I could also , kinda, choose my own schedule and I'm using that to my advantage right now. Thank goodness for little miracles.

* I'm again on a diet! And I'm serious about this, really! Imagine me just eating a cup of rice a day... Well, I really have to do this since I'm gonna be a "maid of honor" at Michelle's wedding this coming March. Pressure!!!

* I'm now a big fan of Healthy Options since I Ms. Lanie introduced me to the store. I so love asking the sales person about their products which I end up buying anyway.

* We communicated... I never expected this one. I have to say I liked it up to some degree. The jury is still out as to whether it will do more good than bad in the long run. Right now I'm some kind of not liking it 'coz it messed up a whole lot of things in my life. But then again, it was still nice to know that you missed me. At least it wasn't just a one way thing.

Now I have to run. I'm off to the mall to spend some hard earned money... Lapit na Christmas eh!!!

Advance Happy Christmas to all!

I MISS MY BLOG!

2008-11-25T02:29:00.000+08:00

I really do miss my blog. I miss writing. I miss a whole lot of things. I wish I would have the time to write and the inclination to share what I am currently feeling.

A New Place

2008-06-17T05:20:00.000+08:00

I moved… to a new apartment. Yep, I’m no longer staying at the company’s so-called staff house. I’m no longer that overstaying employee who should have vacated the place 2 weeks after I transferred here in Pampanga. Well, at least I got to “save” on the rent and some bills for almost a month. But now, I’m on my own… and wow what a feeling.

As some of you know I first started working in Baguio, partly because I so love that place and partly because I wanna be “independent”, hence my first taste of apartment living. However, since my brother’s still studying there I wasn’t really on my own. But now, I can truly say that I am now on my own. No roommate to talk to when I’m bored, no brother to bug if I felt like bugging somebody and no parents who keeps track of my schedule.

Although I have yet to spend a whole week alone, I did spend last weekend there by myself. As expected I was so bored since I didn’t have a TV or a computer to watch or play with. So I had to be content with the books that I was able to buy and my middle of the night cleaning spree. After that, all I did was cook, eat what I just cooked and slept the day and night away. Since the place was new to me, I had to leave the lights on so that my overactive imagination would not imagine things that I am not supposed to imagine. Although I really have a hard time sleeping with the lights on I made myself sleep through that very bright ordeal (at home – at least back at my parents home – I sleep with all of the lights out, I even have to totally turn off the TV and DVD player just so I wont see any light coming from them). I dunno until when will I be trying to sleep with the lights on (scaredy cat me!). I might buy a night light just so I could get a decent sleep.

Hopefully, with this BIG move (a kinda new job and a new place all in the span of 43 days!), I can also begin a new “phase” in my life. If only I can unload some of my emotional baggage along the way then this year ought to be just right for me. So even if I still sometimes think of the “what ifs” in my life, I could still say that I have moved on... Yes, I have indeed moved on with my life and that is thanks to you.

A New Adventure

2008-05-18T13:26:00.002+08:00

I made it... and I am so happy! Although I know that life as I know it would never be the same ever again... If before my normal working hours is around 12 hours, I'm guessing now I'm about to experience 16 or more hours at work! Yeah, I got promoted (yehey!) and I've been a nervous wreck ever since, albeit a happy one. As of now, I'm the one overseeing the whole department as I still don't have somebody to directly report to on site. So I'm working my ass off and maybe... but that's for the near future, say 10 months from now? I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

So if ever you're gonna go shopping at SM San Fernando, just holler...

'Yoko na sa iyo

2008-03-21T19:19:00.002+08:00

Warning: Bitter rantings ahead!!!

What's up with you? Now you're treating me as a non-entity, whereas before you're smiling at me as if world peace depended on your smile! Oh well, I knew from the very beginning that we're a no go but why the heck are you so, so, so.....! Or maybe, all of what i thought I knew only existed on my mind and that I'm seeing what I only wanted to see. But you don't have to be so cruel! Maybe it's because of what happened last week?

Yes or No?

2008-03-19T06:45:00.002+08:00

I'm lost and confused. I really don't know what should be my next step... Will I go south or do I just go a bit north? But this is what I know: I so want that post now... where ever that would be. I want to take that next step because? Because I know that I could do it even if it's going to be outside my current comfort zone. Besides, I need that "little" push so I could prove to myself that I am worth my own "publicity". I think, it's time for me to dream a little but at the same time work on making that dream a reality.

So I think, it's a yes. I'm just hoping that it would also be a "yes" for the people who matters.

I'm not really back...

2008-03-15T00:16:00.002+08:00

Here I go again, trying to resurrect this blog that has long been neglected. As much as I would like to update this page regularly, I always don't have the time and energy to do so. Why? Well, first of all, blogger is blocked at the office. Second, after an average of 10 hours a day spent at work... all I can do is just crash at my bed and hope to have at least 6 hours sleep. Third, my internet connection at home is kinda not that reliable, I always get DC'ed. Fourth, I sometimes can't think of anything to write about, or lets just say, I can't think of something that I wanna write about and have others read it too. So basically, maintenance of this space is a luxury to me nowadays unless what I'm hoping to happen will happen in the next couple of months (I'm crossing my fingers on that one!).

So what are my updates? Hmmm, let's see...

* Still with the same old company - 2 years and 3 months now!
* Still with HR, just bigger responsibilities than when I first started
* Finally starting to meet up and connect with old friends again
* And then... that's for me to know na lang! hehehe

New Year... New Posts

2008-01-15T16:03:00.000+08:00

This is a very long over due post, yet again... Same excuse! No time and energy to compose a decent post for over a year now. But now I have...

... some kind of net connection at home (finally!)
... a New Year's resolution to help me get through the year in one piece.
... and work life balance - I do hope so.

But for now, I have to cut this short. Have to sleep you know 'coz I have a shift in about 7 hours and I have yet to get some sleep. I don't wanna fall asleep at work or drop dead from exhaustion. Promise to be back this Saturday for a very looong update.

So to my friends... if you still remember me... I hope to get in touch with you all! I've been missing in action for too long now and I wanna change that. Fast!

I'm Back... Well, Not Really

2007-07-04T11:42:00.000+08:00

Just quick updates:

1. Still with the same company since January 2006. Got promoted... twice! Yehey, finally got what I want (for the meantime). But I'm kinda scared... I hate, hate, hate that darn thing we use for timekeeping!

2. Still no social life... and I mean zero! Maybe, just maybe, since I already got what I want (refer to # 1) I could now have a life. And yeah, I'm available... hahahaha!!!

3. Still sleep deprived... as usual. For those who knows me since way before, this is nothing new.

4. Still misses my friends - since I still haven't met all of them again ever since I transferred to "far-view".

5. Still a an addict to... books!

6. Still misses Baguio - argh, I need to go on a vacation... and I mean NOW!

7. Still on the run - meaning I have to run now 'coz I still need to go to sleep since I have a shift tonight.

Just This

2007-05-09T00:39:00.000+08:00

...and you said goodbye.

What To Do?

2007-04-26T02:38:00.000+08:00

I'm so losing my drive to work and perform better in the office... I know why... Just can't bring myself to write it down 'coz if I do write it down, I'd be forced to acknowledge that particular thought that has been running around in my mind lately. Not sure if I'm getting restless again... for the nth time! I mean, I should be happy and contented by now since I was able to transition back to HR work. But I'm still looking for something more... Unfortunately, I don't even know what that "something more" really is or where I could find it.

Then again, I may have just bitten more than I could swallow... There's just an insane amount of work that needs to be done and I can't seem to finish all of them. I've been spending most of my time in the office trying to finish all my deliverables but I still feel like I'm not making much progress. I want a clean slate once again...

004220

2007-02-24T12:26:00.000+08:00

Sorry....

For being a very baaadd blogger.
For being too busy.
For not meeting up with my friends.
For just sleeping during my free time.
For not taking good care of myself.
For thinking that I could drown whatever with work.
For not taking the time to know what you have been up to.
For not being able to go on loooong vacations.

That's supposed to be a long list, but I'm tired. Don't have the energy to type much here... And yes, I'm always tired these days... Hell, I'm tired for more than a year now. Guess I just got overwhelmed with work and all that crap. Don't have time to hang out with my friends. Especially now that I live in a very far place. Feel so out of it... Whatever.

And I so hate this day. Hate, hate it. Hate you too. But not really.

Too much hate? Nah... not really. Just tired. There's that word again - tired. Maybe it's because all I could think of right now is being alone in my room... Listening to music and puffing all my worries away.

And my seatmate is dialing...his nose. Just plain gross.

Better stop. I'm not making sense. G'bye.

Untitled

2007-02-15T01:07:00.000+08:00

It's no longer worth going through all these trouble. I give up!

rush... rush... rush...

2006-05-12T20:12:00.000+08:00

daming kwento...

wala namang time...

anyways, enjoy naman me sa work... sa buhay...

will make kwento one of these days...

miss all my friends!

A L M O S T T H E R E . . . . .

2006-04-24T23:40:00.000+08:00

Summer's here! Sadly, I don't have time to go to the beach. Yeah, I'm stuck at the office dealing with stuff that other people doesn't care about. Not that I'm not happy with the present arrangement... I am. I mean, I never did like swimming (even though I don't know how to swim - go figure!) in the sea 'coz of the itching it eventually brings (to me at least). Besides, I was never fond of the heat that summer brings. Yes, I'm one of those individuals who always makes a beeline to the rooms (with AC of course) whenever I find myself at the beach. "KJ" of me I know but what the heck, its hot and I'm not happy with the heat so there. I just love going to the beach because of its ambience during the night. Hey, just think of the "walking-along-the-shoreline" thing at night. Of course, one should have a special somebody on hand for this kind of thing... So since I'm presently single AND available, I'm gonna pass on the beach for the meantime. At least at the office, we have free AC and web connection. Poor substitutes, but who am I to question that. Hopefully, by next summer I'm gonna see myself at the beach with... hehehe!

=====+++=====

Went to Ortigas today to meet up with the other members of Okasyon et al. It was our Annual Stockholders Meeting... Sadly, that meeting would be my first and LAST (well, not really) meeting with them. Yes, I've finally decided to get out of Okasyon et al. because of certain things. I'm definitely gonna miss them (Lynn, Case, Ate Anna, Raine and Ate Celle) but I have to move on... Move on to something that I really, really want. I realized that I cannot serve two "masters" at the same time and expect to be able to give my 100% to both of them. So I made up my mind so there. Now, I won't feel guilty whenever we have meeting ('coz there wont be any meetings to attend to) because my work schedule constantly conflicts with the events. I also don't need to sacrifice my much-needed sleep in order for me to finish my tasks for the company. Not that I hated doing those stuff for "O"... I actually loved it but I needed to decide. I don't wanna be a liability to the company... and at the rate I was going then... I'm rapidly becoming a liability to them. And THAT is something I hated. So, before I lose the friendship I somehow managed to form with the other members of the company, I decided to just get out. But would you guys still give me a discount when the time comes?

=====+++=====

And yes... I'm almost there.

why?

2006-04-04T23:10:00.000+08:00

why were you so sad? is it just me? am i reading it all wrong? i do hope i'm wrong though. all i want is for you to be happy my dear.

i can see clearly now

2006-03-28T23:54:00.000+08:00

this is something i wrote way back february 2001... chanced upon this when i was cleaning like crazy the night i said goodbye to somebody very special to me...

chance.

i met him by chance. i was not even looking for somebody that day. all i knew was, i was doing a friend of mine a favor. to be honest, i've already forgotten about the guys i met during that day. if not for that little note i would have probably forgotten about him. ah hell, i did forget about him. thank god for friends... i would have probably let him go before i ever got to know him. but i guess i was meant to know him... even though some of my friends are constantly teasing me about him... and even though i was thinking that if i wanted, i could easily break it off anyways. he's always there and i'm always here.

i never knew i could feel this way... like i'm somewhere up there whenever i see a text message coming from him or whenever i hear my phone ring and see his name flashing on that little screen. never knew that i could do all the things i have done so far... imagine going through that looong winding road alone just to see him for only 3 hours max? even though i always complain to him that i don't wanna go alone, i secretly wait for that voice to tell me to go see him because he's free that day. i also anticipate the mornings where he would call me for a wake-up call... just because it's real good waking up to his voice. little stuff that didn't matter before, but now matters a whole lot.

sometimes i get to thinking, is this it? that one true love of mine? the one who i would first see in the morning and the last person i'm gonna see at night? ...a shiver just went through my whole body... 'coz you see this was the first time i thought of these feelings. before i was merely interested with the present. so, is he the one?

maybe i just have to wait...

never did get to finish that entry... if i remember correctly we fought that day so i never tried finishing the story. our story did not end that day. but it did end. and for the first time i cried. even though i promised myself that i would never ever waste my tears on just a guy. truth be said, he was never just a guy a to me. he was that someone who i trusted enough... enough for me to let down my wall and love like there's no tomorrow.

so let me answer a question on that little entry of mine... "so, is he the one?" he was supposed to be THE one but things happen... he's now THE one of somebody else. i've already accepted that fact. chances are, they also met by chance. isn't fate a little bit ironic?

too sleepy to finish this entry...will promise to finish by tomorrow. i need to go to sleep if i intend to be at work on time. bye now...

that five letter word called TRUST

2006-03-14T00:21:00.000+08:00

was "forced" to reminisce about my past loves earlier... and much to my surprise, i realized that i could actually laugh about the good and not so good experiences that i have gotten myself into for the past years. not that i would want to rehash all that i have said earlier here... no way! its one thing making kwento all the sordid details to just person, it's definitely a different thing to write it all down here. i'm not that brave enough... hahaha!

not brave enough you ask? well... i have secrets that only a select few had the "privilege" to know about. bad of me i know, but hey that's the way it goes. my blog, my rules. you don't hafta read this crap anyway, right? and as i have said before, i write here to release all my pent-up emotions... be it good or otherwise. i never could keep it all inside of me, right? i was never into bottling all my emotions and then feeling like a fraud afterwards. so as a rule, i write down what i could not say out loud. i write here, in a random notebook or piece of paper or, as a last resort, a piece of tissue paper. at least when i write about my emotions about something or someone, no one has to be burdened about thinking the appropriate response. and i wont hear how pathetic or foolish i had been.

and my point? none... just trying to work up the courage to post something i've been meaning to post ever since i started this blog. why could i not post that something? well, i don't want people adding one and one and then coming up with three.

yeah, i do have an issue with trust. big time. i can't even sleep during a foot spa session... and what's the connection? well, i can't even trust the attendant (or whatever they call the person who does foot spa) to not cut me when they were actuall trained for it. or the fact that i always needed some kind of reassurance that everything will go as planned even though i've been assured a thousand times already. my having an issue with trust actually contributed to my not so good experience in love... 'coz as we all know, in order for love to really grow one must trust the other. and since i have such a big problem with trust, i usually end up holding back or erecting a barrier between me and my supposed-to-be loved one. the ending, him walking away from me who by then is filled with regrets.

after all my experiences with trust (or lack thereof) i should have known better not to repeat it again and again right? we will see, ayt? 'coz after my last relationship went bust, i kinda promised myself to work on this trusting thing. i don't think i could go through all that again... not again, please. promise to behave.

*****

wanna say this:

i just wanna be fair to everybody involved. i know what i have not been doing. yeah, my work has been eating most of my time now and... the only thing that i was not able to say during that time was this - i wanna quit the group because everytime we get together for meetings i can't help but feel sad. sad, because it always brings back memories that i am better of without. sad, because i know that i would need to bring out my "game face" again so that nobody would feel that i'm feeling that way. sad, because i should have not let this affect the relationship we have managed to build but it still manages to come up even though i have tried to block it out my mind. sad, because i know that after this, things would never be the same again.

friends?

2006-03-02T00:24:00.000+08:00

i feel like i'm in limbo and quite invinsible. maybe because you insist to ignore me. i'm still here... but i guess you have finally and irrevocably moved on. not that i'm blaming you. no promises right? fool that i am, i still hoped... no sense in prolonging the agony though.

your happy... i'm happy. i just never did learn to forget. but i'm learning now that words are sometimes meaningless.

why can't you tell me? i promise to not bite.

oh what the heck... your finally gone. i'm now left with a feeling i can't shake off... no matter how hard i tried.

i'm still here... can we be friends once again?

f r a g m e n t s

2006-03-01T00:52:00.000+08:00

i'm tired.

could i please take a leave of absence from real life?

if i could, then i would go to a place where i could be free again... where the past is irrelevant and insignificant.

too tired to even finish writing what's on my mind...

i'd better sleep.

too much stuff to do.

just wishing you the best. be happy.

but why the heck won't you tell me?!

2.24.01

2006-02-24T02:31:00.000+08:00

I do not believe in fairytales... 'Coz nobody lives happily ever after... End of story.

.

2006-02-22T17:34:00.000+08:00

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And Wisdom to know the difference

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

This I pray to Jesus Christ Almighty, Amen.

Moving Forward...

2006-02-06T12:15:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since I last posted in here. Too many stuff to do but so little time. Still trying to adjust to my new job and new place. Gone were the days where Jeannie and Rosey is just a text message away so I could reconnect with them again. No more late night gimicks with friends or even our coffee/yosi sessions with Ate Anna and Katz after Okasyon meetings because I now have to contend with the loooong travel to get home. No more tambay at Glorietta and sadly I haven't played again at TimeZone. Yikes, come to think about it I officially do not have a social life right now. Zero, nada, zilch! Oh well, every dream comes with its own price and I'm now paying for a dream of mine. But no regrets here... I just have to stick with this long enough for me to actually get to where I wanted to go. Go where? Nah, that's for me to know as of now. When I'm finally there, I'll probably tell you guys. Just not yet, okay?

Since I'm already whining, let me go on with that feeling and enumerate the things I currently miss...

*going on vacations - especially going to Baguio
*reading at least 2 books in one night
*playing with my Neopet
*writing in my blog regularly
*late night-outs with friends
*eating out with friends - food trips
*regular spa treatments
*our old house
*paved roads
*MRT
*daydreaming to the max!
*the Brat!
*caramel frap at starbucks
*my regular diet of McDonalds chicken nuggets and strawberry/coke float
*surf and downloads galore
*blog hopping
*shopping
*my old bed - sagging mattress and all
*feeling tipsy after 3 shots of my fave kurant...
*...and the conversation that one could only hear during "inuman" sessions
*my friends back at PS
*cuddling sessions
*and most of all I miss YOU... whoever you may be.

See I'm such a simple gal... Mababaw lang yung mga bagay-bagay na hinahanap ko. Paano ba naman parang nakatira ako ngayon sa isang malayong lugar. My golly gulay! Imagine I have to pass by that road na hindi na ata maayos-ayos ever! Feeling ko pwede akong pumayat dahil 'pag dumadaan ako dun, nakakalog ang buo kong katawan. Tsaka gabi-gabi na lang akong bad-trip sa pagpasok dahil sa mga taong walang ginawa kundi tumawid na lang basta-basta! Wala ata silang concept ng pedestrian lanes. At sila manong driver naman eh kung saan-saan na lang humihinto, hindi ata uso ang loading at unloading zones dito. Kaya ngayon ko lang talga na-appreciate ang Ayala road with its designated loading and unloading zone.

Oh well, na-sobrahan na ata ang whining session na ito. Para tuloy wala na akong nagustuhan sa mga pagbabago na nangyari sa akin. In fairness, I feel really blessed right now 'coz I have stuff going on for me right now that were not there before. I really hope to God that I do get there. Maybe I will or maybe I wont (that's the pessimistic side of me talking), only time will tell. Also beginning to establish new friends at my new office... Let's see if I could also manage to snag that drool -worthy crush of mine!

Lastly, just wanna greet you (you know who you are) a belated Happy Birthday! Even though we do not have any communication (at all) I still remembered you during that day and I don't think I'll ever forget. How could I? You made this phrase a reality for me: "Love is a hidden fire, A pleasant sore, A delicious poison, A delectable pain, An agreeable torment, A sweet and throbbing wound, A gentle death." Don't worry I meant that in a good way... So for you I dedicate this song...

Say Goodbye
by: S Club 7

In the years to come
Will you think about these moments that we shared
In the years to come
Are you gonna think it over
And how we lived each day with no regrets

Nothing lasts forever though we want it to
The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you

Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in you heart
Is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts
Is the only way now for you and me
Though its the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
'Coz true love never dies

In a year from now
Maybe there'll be things we'll wish we never said
In a year from now
Maybe we'll see each other
Standing on the same street corner, no regrets

Each and every end is always written in the stars
If only I could stop the world, I'd make this last

Sometimes goodbye (sometimes goodbye), though it hurts in you heart
Is the only way for destiny (is the only way for destiny)
Sometimes goodbye (sometimes goodbye), though it hurts
Is the only way now for you and me (is the only way for you and me)
Though its the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye (so say goodbye)
But don't you cry
'Coz true love never dies

And when you need my arms to run into
I'll come for you
Nothing will ever change the way I feel

Sometimes goodbye (sometimes goodbye), though it hurts in you heart
Is the only way for destiny (is the only way for destiny)
Sometimes goodbye (sometimes goodbye), though it hurts
Is the only way now for you and me (is the only way for you and me)
Though its the hardest thing to say
I'll missing your lovin' every day
So say goodbye
But don't you cry

Because a true love never dies

Oh my, I could actually see eyebrows rising and hear the tsking sound... I probably deserve all that but then again if you really know me you should know better. I've definitely moved on(finally!) but I could never forget the times we spent together. 'Coz no matter how painful the ending was, the moments before that was very memorable 'coz we were happy then.

just nothing

2006-01-09T04:01:00.000+08:00

i've been hooked up to the internet close to 6 hours now and i still cannot find the right words to write in here... maybe i'm just sooo emotionally and physically drained. or maybe i just don't wanna share the thoughts in my mind. not that i'm not happy right now. it's just so... heck, i could not even think of the right words to say!

so let me just give you guys random updates about my life:

WORK - so far i'm having a great time! no calls for me now! however, i'm still adjusting to HR work again. now i have to be nice to all the people around me 'coz that's kinda expected from us. gone are the days wherein i just ignore the people i don't have any business with. since there's a LOT of backlogs from last year we are currently working our ass off to at least meet the deadlines given to us. i soooo hate filing but then again i chose this work so there. the people are nice... well, i'm still not in the position to really know that... what with? one week of working with them... i don't think so! will keep you posted whether i like them or not.

but speaking of my new officemates... all i could say is that "it's such a small world after all". imagine my surprise when i finally recognized somebody from my not-so-distant-past. not that she knew me before... just hearing her name made me remember stuff that i would rather not remember anymore. but that's life for me... totally ironic to say the least!

HOME - still adjusting to the fact that i now live with both of my parents (again). i think it's a good thing though... also haven't made any friends yet. dunno if i wanted to have friends around the neighborhood though. saw one cute guy the other night and is currently thinking if he is worth the effort to get to know... hmmm, i just might!

LOVELIFE - inactive to say the least! haven't met that someone who could set my heart thumping erratically and make me believe (again) in "happily ever afters". well, i'm not really looking though. i still believe that whoever he is, i would definitely know.

side comment: was enjoying a foot spa somewhere when a "manghuhula" came into the spa. tried out her services and guess what? about 70% of what she told me was true. at least the part where she told me of my past. the funny thing is she told me that i'll get married this year! with somebody i already know. hahaha... wala pa nga akong bf ngayon, mag-aasawa na ako agad. tama ba naman yun! of well, just had fun with it though. oh and i got to ask three questions and let's just say that all the "answers" were positive. what are those questions? that i get to keep to myself!

i'd better log-off now. getting hungry na kasi... well, there goes my diet! oh well, there's still time to start again with my on-off diet thingee!

first try

2005-12-30T23:42:00.000+08:00

This is my first post from home! Yehey!!! I was finally able to buy my very first PC... I know it's just a very small thing but this is still a first for me. Thanks to my mom for helping me out though. But using dial-up is oh so tiring! How I wish my mom would "authorize" a DSL connection (yeah right!). Will just have to wait for my bro to finish his studies so we could split the charges...

Gotta go. Only checking this one out!

changes and more changes

2005-12-28T22:43:00.000+08:00

we're nearing the end of the year... goodbye 2005! goodbye to all the bad things that happened to me!!! will be starting a whole new phase of my life. i'll be starting my new job and will be moving to our new house. so guys, i have a new address... not that i'll be advertising the address here. actually, i don't even know our exact address. basta malayo yun! kaya goodbye na rin to gimmicks around ortigas, timog and makati area.

anyways, i'm going back to an HR position. this means: no more calls for me. no more irate customers and no more "Hi! My name is Beth. Can I have your domain name or User ID please?" spiel. hello paperwork and filing nga lang. pero okay lang naman, at least i could now concentrate on my career path and goals. i promise to do good on this job so i could apply for a higher position. no more, "bahala na" attitude" for this gal.

also, i finally moved most of my stuff to the new house out there. my gosh, i never did imagine how much stuff i was able to keep over the past 3 years! that made packing a lot harder than i thought. plus, i got sick because of all the dust that accumulated because i was so tamad to clean my room for the past months! oh well, at least i finally was able to find all the things that i would need... the documents that i needed to keep and the little knick-knacks that i would (in the very near future) be including in my very own scrapbook. so excited about my new room na rin! at least now i get to really fix it up 'coz i have a feeling i'll be staying there for a loooong time!

i really wanna write a long entry but i'm having a hard time putting into words all the stuff in my head. maybe next year, when i've finally managed to settle down and just be happy because i am me.

at kahit late na ito, i'm still gonna post it here:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!

nearing the end...

2005-12-23T07:22:00.000+08:00

nearing the end of my shift... this means that i am also nearing the end of my stay here in PS. can't wait to do the "end shift.release.resign" thingy. its not that i don't have any fond memories here and would want to erase the whole time that i was here in my memory... i would always miss the friends that i met during my almost two years stay. won't be mentioning names anymore... you guys know who you are. and to all of you, just wanna say this: "Thanks much for the memories. Will never forget the ups and downs we all went through and will always treasure the friendship we have managed to make." please keep in touch. you know how to contact me ayt?

but ain't life good... if there are endings there would always be a new beginning. by next year i'll be starting a whole new episode in my life. just hoping that this move will bring out the best in me. no more dilly-dallying. no more maybe's. and most of all no more sad endings and goodbyes... just a joyful hello to whatever comes my way.

ps. to brat: will miss you much my dear. you know that you would always have a special place in my heart. please do not hesitate to contact me whenever you want. i promise to always be there for you. take care of the babe... love yah girl!

my current obsession

2005-12-19T00:05:00.000+08:00

...late na even for me, but it is just now that I am focusing on these things:

my handwriting

2005-12-18T23:56:00.000+08:00

What does your handwriting say about YOU?

my song...

2005-12-18T01:06:00.000+08:00

Your 2005 Song Is

Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

"But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on"

In 2005, you moved on.

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

lapit na po...

2005-12-14T21:23:00.000+08:00

christmas is definitely in the air... was i naughty or nice? definitely nice... right?

this christmas is a bit different for me... no more... oh pooh, let's not get into that anymore. at finally nagsawa na ako! yipee!!! yes rosario, there would always be a "twinge" whenever i hear "what's his name" but i'm okay na. and i'm not just saying this to make myself believe. super accepted ko na po... promise!

oh well, good for me naman ang nangyari... shopping galore me... for myself! yehey...!!!

ngaps, i wanna wish ivan and cai a lasting and meaningful marriage. i'm truly happy for you guys. basta, don't make the brat cry...

"updates and then some"

2005-12-07T18:02:00.000+08:00

I'm back to the blogging world but only for a little while. Nothing much to say... Nah, just feeling oh so lazy these past few days. I'd better get a makeover real fast to compensate my lack of interest in life nowadays. Still feeling a bit blue... Can't shake the feeling that I'm missing something big time. The big problem is I dunno what exactly am I missing!

So in an effort to get out of this mood, I started doin' something for myself (this time). Took the time to visit my fave spa and salon to treat myself to a haircut (I now have bangs!) and of course the requisite foot spa, mani/pedi and of course (the ultimate "get-me-upper") a massage. Heaven!!! How I wish I also have at least two weeks of vacation to go with those stuff.

Gotta go... Have to rush to the mall to buy something pa... Promise to write a "real" update next time. Mwah!!!

Halo-Halo

2005-11-14T09:36:00.000+08:00

Out of Reach
by: Gabrielle

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me

Was trying to put myself to sleep when that song played... It was just then that I FINALLY realized what I've been trying NOT recognize for such the longest time. And ever since I finally admitted that fact, I'm finally free. No more sleepless days for me now... Hopefully. I just wish I won't make the same mistake again.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

I feel such a bad "blogger". No updates for soooo long now. Many events passed by but I still wasn't able to update this sorry space. My only excuse is that I've been kept very busy by Okasyon et al. There's just so many things to do and deadlines to meet. And maybe my diet's causing my brain cells to go on strike. Thus the lack of drive to write anything substantial.

Moving on...

As the "Brat" announced, I celebrated my birthday last month. Nothing much happened though. Celebrated with my family. It's just that my bro wasn't able to make it. Haaay, dunno if it's really something about school or if it has something to do with that girl. Hope it's not the later! Or else... What? Well, let's just say that I'm not that fond of her - meaning her current gf. I know that it's none of business but I can't help the way I feel about her. It's kinda a case of "dislike at first sight". Don't ask me why though 'coz I definitely can't give a valid answer.

Then we changed schedules here at work... And since I have a loser SA I got the 12am to 9am shift! What the f**k?!!! Let's just say I'm not happy with this schedule... 'Nuff said!

I'm tired... Yet again! So I'm gettin' out of here...

Updates?

2005-11-06T08:47:00.000+08:00

Even though I have a lot of stuff to blog about... I'm not in the mood to write anything down. Some other time perhaps... Just feelin' so laaaazy!!! I think, I'm beginning to hate this new shift... Or maybe it's the job...

To You

2005-10-23T05:40:00.000+08:00

Love you much... brat!!!

Gripes, Gripes and more Gripes!

2005-10-10T04:06:00.000+08:00

I so hate the new metrics being imposed by this account... Not that I blame them for doing the dastardly deed but since "I'm not up to the challenge", I'm definitely thinking of getting the hell out of here! I mean, I never could see myself staying with this company that long. Anyhoo, I stayed here for almost 2 years... and that's enough for me!

So I guess, I need to seriously update my resume and start psyching myself up for future interviews... Does anybody have any leads of a different job? I'm ready to face a "normal" schedule again.

Boo Hoo!!!

2005-10-09T02:15:00.000+08:00

Another post for my online collection of pathetic songs!

The Getaway
by: Hilary Duff

Here I am again
Talking to myself
Sitting at a red light
Both hands on the wheel
How am I supposed to feel?
So much running through my mind
First you wanna be free
Now you say you need me
Giving mixed signals and signs
It's so hard to let you in
Thinking you might slam the brakes again

Put the pedal down
Heading out of town
Gotta make a getaway
The traffic in my brain's
Driving me insane
This is more than I can take
You tell me that you love me first
Then throw your heart into reverse
I gotta get away

I can't keep coming back to you
Every time you're in the mood
To whisper something sweet in my ear
It's so hard to move on
Cause every time I think you're gone
You show up in my rearview mirror

Is this just a detour?
Cause I gotta be sure
That you really mean what you say
It's so hard to let you in
Thinking you might slam the brakes again

Put the pedal down
Heading out of town
Gotta make a getaway
The traffic in my brain's
Driving me insane
This is more than I can take
You tell me that you love me first
Then throw your heart into reverse
I gotta get away
To a place where I can be redefined
Where you're out of sight
And you're out of mind
But the truth is I can't even say goodbye

Here I am again
Talking to myself
Sitting at a red light
Both hands on the wheel
How am I supposed to feel?
So much running through my mind

Put the pedal down
Heading out of town
Gotta make a getaway (a getaway)
The traffic in my brain's
Driving me insane
This is more than I can take (I can take)
You tell me that you love me first
Then throw your heart into reverse
I gotta get away

+++++++++++++++

Oh f****n' hell... I'm back to feeling pathetic and miserable again! I thought I've finally managed to pass this phase. My gosh, it's more than 5 months of private hell and I'm still lost. Still no light at the end of the tunnel!

+++++++++++++++

REALIZATIONS
by: iced_coffee

For as long as I could remember, I have been living in this peaceful and undisturbed place, enclosed in sturdy and powerful walls. Plenty of people have tried to lure me away from here. Some say that I was missing half of my life by confining and isolating myself. Others condescendingly shake their heads in amusement, and knowingly declare that I will eventually surface from my dwelling. Whereas others more seek to tempt me, by promising things left and right, trying to make me believe that it was better for me to be with them, and outside my sheltered condition.

Amongst all these, I stubbornly shook my head in defiance, because I was certain that my present situation was what’s best for me. It is my choice to be here, anyway. Away from pain, sheltered from sorrow, and safe from getting hurt once again.

But as fate would have it, you came. Amidst the crowd, you held out your hand to me. I tried my best to refuse you, I really did. I burrowed myself further inside my place, but still you were persistent. I tried to get in touch with my cynical nature and recalled the reasons why I would rather confine myself in the first place, but I was unsuccessful. Slowly, reluctantly, I find myself leaving my personal hole. And you were there, waiting.

You opened my eyes to a wonderful place, and indeed, I felt bliss. There was so much to explore, things I never thought existed, and emotions I have almost forgotten I was capable of feeling. I finally came across things that I only saw in my secret fantasies. You and me. Together. And for that moment, that is all that mattered.

Yes, for a while I genuinely forgot about my past existence, and I have almost convinced myself that, as long as you are here, I was better and happier. Almost. Without warning, I slowly stirred from my trance, like a light bulb inside my head was turned on. I was reminded of the cruel realities that seem to cast a shadow over this different world I am now in. People who previously appeared as angels were now creeping back to me as monsters of my past. Places that seemed beautiful and magnificent now looked haunted. A variety of unfamiliar feelings slithered inside me—jealousy, sadness, bitterness.

I searched for you, but you were not there. All of a sudden, your fingers deliberately slipped away from mine. The hand, the very being, I foolishly believed would always be there, was gone.

Now I am lost and confused. I cannot return to where I came from, for you have already shown me another world beyond my own, a place where I ridiculously trusted that dreams could come true yet again. I cannot remain in this world either, since I am afraid of not being able to survive on my own, without you to hang on to.

It took me quite a while to realize, and to finally admit to myself, that I have fallen in love with someone I should not have fallen in love with. And now I have no idea what to do next and where to go. The wall that used to be my shelter already has crumbled down at my feet. Once more, I am everything I swore I never will be again.

+++++++++++++++

I definitely miss that "place" where I felt safe... It's just that I can't seem to find the way back there right now. Could you please show me the way or at least point me in the right direction? I'm just lost...

+++++++++++++++

2005-09-22T05:13:00.000+08:00

Needed to write something... Wanna write something. Just can't organize my thoughts though. Still trying anyway...

~~~~~

Another loooong day for me... Staying here at the office waiting for the sun to come up. Why? 'Coz I'm a wimp. Just can't bring myself to ride those damn busses! Everytime I was forced to ride those things, I always felt like we're gonna crash or I'll end up flat on my face when it's time to go down. You know, the drivers just coudn't bring themselves to step on the brakes for a good amount of time when a passenger wanna go down their busses. Always felt like kissing the ground whenever I have successfully alighted from those damn things 'coz I'm finally on solid ground!

~~~~~

Been feeling moody for quite some time now. Happy, sad, hopeful, desperate, contented, depresed, ambivalent, excited, optimistic... and the list goes on. I wanna stay happy for at least 3 days in a row... and that would be an achievement for me.

~~~~~
Read this book about two months ago and I could say that the things written there are stuff I already know. So, it's actually a waste of money. It never did gave me a new idea on how to get over the somebody I wanna forget. Booooo! Oh well, deep down I know that it's gonna be crap but when you're feelin' down you just don't think straight, right? Hence, all the wrong decisions bein' made.

~~~~~

Can relate to this quote that I got when surfing the net:

You told me to go look for happiness and bring some back when I found it. But you can't bank happiness. You can't keep it for when you need it and you cannot give to someone else simply by having it yourself.

For the full story, click here.

~~~~~

And finally, another Kelly Clarkson song... I promise to buy her cd na talaga.

Gone
by: Kelly Clarkson

What you see's not what you get
With you, there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there

Your eyes, they sparkled
That’s all changed into lies
That drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for in this world
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You are wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

Sometimes shattered, never open
Nothing matters when you're broken
That was me, whenever I was with you
Always ending, always over
Back and forth, up and down, like a roller coaster
I am breaking that habit today

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for in this world
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You are wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

I'm already gone

There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
Take the hit and walk away
Cause I'm gone
Doesn’t matter what you do
It’s what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone

What you see's not what you get
What you see's not what you get

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for in this world
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You are wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on

~~~~~

Hahahaha! Another "moving-on" song for my little collection...

~~~~~

Oh and before I forget... Just heard from Rosey that she's already planning her wedding. Dunno if I'm only halucinating or am I really hearing a clock ticking slowly somewhere. But I'm definitely happy for her, no question about that. Just not sure about her other news though...

~~~~~

I may not be able to meet you ever again... But I'm still wishing you a Happy Birthday. I'm just sorry that I had to feel this way with you... I was comfortable then, but now it's different. I guess I just grew up.

~~~~~

Lovin' This (for the moment)

2005-09-18T01:44:00.000+08:00

"Because Of You"
by: Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

***
Nice one... Look's like I'm beginning to love Kelly Clarkson's songs.

And no... this one's not for him.

If you wanna listen to the song... Click here.

bitter pa rin nga ba?

2005-09-14T03:53:00.000+08:00

naghihintay na naman ako ng oras kaya naisipan kong magbasa na lang sa peyups...

wala lang, nakaka-aliw kasi... nasulat nya ang dapat sinulat ko dati pa. yun nga lang, hindi naman talaga ako nagalit sa kanya... nasaktan lang...

Ang Huling Araw
by: nSeNsiTiV
(Edited by blue_kuko)

Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung gaano kita minahal, ang isasagot ko, 10 beses na higit pa sa nararapat. Minahal kita hindi dahil pakiramdam ko lang tama, pero dahil ginusto ko yung naramdaman ko at walang kung ano pa man.

Minsan mo na akong tinanong kung pinagsisisihan kong nakilala kita. Sinabi ko hindi. Ngayon na nga siguro ang araw na kinatatakutan ko. Dahil kapag tinanong mo ulit sa akin yan, alam kong oo na ang isasagot ko. Sa lahat kasi ng nangyari sa buhay ko, ikaw lang ang gusto kong burahin. Wala ng iba.

Alam kong tama na tong ginagawa ko ngayon. Tama ng mawala ka sa buhay ko. Dahil alam kong wala ng pag-asa yang sinasabi mong pagkakaibigan natin. Tanga lang ako na minsan kong inisip na yun ang pinanghahawakan ko pero hindi pala. Dahil pinili mo pa rin akong saktan kahit alam mong dapat naging isa kang kaibigan.

Nung mga panahong ikaw at ikaw lang ang kailangan ko, hindi man lang kita mahanap. At kahit alam kong alam mo yon, pinili mong tiisin ako. Ngayon hindi na ko umaasang nandyan ka pa, dahil simula palang nang-iwan ka na.

Itinapon ko na rin ang lahat ng kasinungalingang sinabi mo na ang masakit ay pinaniwalaan ko. Nang sinabi mong importante ako sa yo at hindi mo kayang wala ako, kagaguhan lang yon. Siguro napilitan ka lang sabihin yon, o di kaya, sinadya mo para paasahin ako.Ngayon, lahat ng binitawan mong salita, wala ng halaga. Simple lang ang rason: dahil wala ka ring kwenta.

Wala na rin akong pakialam kung nagustuhan mo man ako o hindi. Ang importante, nagbigay ako ng buong buo at ni minsan ay hindi humingi ng kahit anong kapalit. Kahit papano, naturuan mo akong maging matatag. Natuto na rin akong tumigil sa paghahabol at pag-iyak sa taong manhid na tulad mo.

Siguro nga nasira mo na ang lahat sa akin. Ang paninindigan ko, tapang at paniniwala ko, pati ang katauhan ko, pero kaya kong ibangon ang sarili ko at mabuhay ng wala ka. Ako pa rin to. Oras at araw lang ang nagbago.

Ngayon na ang huling beses na sasabihin ko ito sa yo. Ngayon na ang huling pagkakataon na iisipin kita. Lahat ng bagay na dumaan, burado na. Pati buhay ko, bago na. Ngayon na ang huling oras na mamahalin kita. Ngayon na ang tamang oras para sa lahat, para malaman mo kung gaano mo ako sinaktan. Tapos na yon lahat ngayon. Ito na ang huling araw ng paghihirap...Tama na, tapos na. Pero sa huling araw na ito, isa lang ang sigurado ako.

Hindi ito ang huling araw na sinabi ko lahat to.

Should I?

2005-09-14T01:44:00.000+08:00

Dunno if what I'm about to do would do me any good... In fairness, that "kilig" feeling is still there. But I'm really having mixed feelings about this thing. There's just too much expectations and I don't know if we're gonna measure up. Besides, we'll be playing in a different level now. No more easy way out for us. It's either we move up to the next level or it's game over for both us.

I must admit that what we had before is something I'm gonna treasure forever. But I think that's only possible if we'll just remain as friends. There's too much history between us and I don't wanna risk the doubts that will inevitably come if we get involved in a different way.

So what am I sayin'? Well for now, I just wanna be friends with you. Please do not make me admit that all I wanted from you (even from the start) is just friendship.

Oh hell... I feel like crap! I know that it's my fault for making you think that way. I need time to think and analyze the situation you're "forcing" us to be in. Let me just be your shoulder to cry on for now... But other than that, and I'm sorry to say this, you're on your own.

signs... at signs pa ulit

2005-09-12T22:53:00.000+08:00

nakukulitan na siguro si lord sa akin... paano ba naman, ilang beses na akong humihingi ng sign sa kanya about that guy. urong-sulong pa kasi ako! siguro naghihintay ako ng isang napakalaking banner na bigla ko na lang makikita na magsasabi ng kung ano ba talaga ang gagawin ko.

ang una kong sign, isang red na rose na lalabas dun sa music video na pinapanood ko. tapos hindi pa ako nakuntento dun. kaya the next day, ganun ulit ang hiningi kong sign... ang problem nga lang eh, magka-iba ang lumabas na resulta. hindi pa rin nakuntento ang lola mo kaya isa pang sign... red rose naman sa email. pero ganun pa rin, hindi pa rin consistent kaya humingi ulit ng "last" sign.

haaay, ilan kayang sign ang kailangan ko para gawin ko na ang matagal ko ng ginawa. magulo... sobrang gulo!

kaya lord... sana ibigay nyo na sa akin ang sign na hinahanap ko. samahan mo na rin ng isang simpleng instruction's manual. medyo slow kasi ang anak nyong ito sa pag-intindi ng mga instructions eh.

thank you po.

I Want!

2005-09-11T22:30:00.000+08:00

...8 hours of uninterrupted sleep!!!

Pagbigyan Po Sana Ako...

2005-09-11T03:28:00.000+08:00

At dahil sa hindi ako maka-uwi right after my shift... Sa kung kani-kaninong blog ako napupunta. Wala lang, medyo natamaan kasi ako dito. Pero pwamis, okay na ako...

Paglisan at Ulan
by: roni bats

Dalawang oras ka nang nakatitig sa blankong papel. Hindi pala madaling simulan ang isang artikulong tungkol sa wakas. Saan ka nga ba maaaring magsimula?

Sa simula? Naaalala mo pa ba ang simula? Hindi na. Gaano man kahiwaga, ang simula ay nalilimot, nawawalan ng saysay dahil sa napipintong katapusan. Makabubuti lamang ang pag-uungkat sa nakaraan kung may bukas na yayapos sa iyo upang pawiin ang pangamba. Dahil kung wala, ang tanging magagawa ng simula ay ipaalala ang simula ng wakas.

Simulan mo kaya sa dahilan? Hindi rin pwede. Ang pinanghahawakan mo lang ay ang sino, ano, saan at kailan. Sadyang mailap ang bakit; may mga bagay na habang pilit iniintindi ay lalong nagiging mahirap maunawaan. O baka naman nasa harap mo na ang sagot. Ayaw mo lang itong paniwalaan kaya’t pilit mong isinasantabi ang tanong na bumabagabag sa iyo. Hindi mo masisisi ang iyong sarili. Mahirap tanggapin na ang mga katotohanang nagpasaya sa mga araw mo ay panggagago.

Kung gayon, bakit hindi mo simulan sa ulan? Sa ulang hindi mo naman hiniling at dumating sa panahong hindi mo inaasahan. Sa ulang nagpakita sa iyong maaari kang tumingala sa langit at tumayo sa gitna ng kalsada, habang nilulunod ng mga patak ng tubig ang iyong kasuotan at mga gamit.

Tama. Sa ulan. Binago ka ng ulan.

Itinuro sa iyo ng ulan na ang mga tao sa buhay mo ay darating at aalis kung kailan nila gusto. Wala kang magagawa. Hindi mo sila mapipilit na manatili. Hindi mo sila mapipigilang lumisan. Titila ang bawat ulan. Hindi nito sasabihin kung kailan, pero mararamdaman mo ang paglumanay ng hangin at ang paghawi ng mga ulap.

Ang maiiwan ay ikaw… at isang puwang.

Ang pangungulila ay hindi nag-uugat sa paglisan, kundi sa pamamaalam. Ang isang taong pinahahalagahan mo ay maaaring magpaalam nang hindi umaalis, subalit maaari rin siyang umalis nang hindi nagpapaalam. Paunti-unti. Dahan-dahan. Patuloy ang pagtakbo ng buhay sa kanya, habang sa iyo, dumarating sa bawat araw ang kapiraso ng wakas.

Minsan tuloy, naiisip mong mas maigi pang matapos na lang ang lahat sa simula. Nang sa gayon, walang pinagkatagu-tagong text message na kailangang burahin, walang mga sandaling dapat ibaon sa limot at walang puwang na palalalimin ng pangungulila.

Nakapapagod maghintay kung kailan muling mapupunan ang puwang na tanging ikaw ang nakadarama. Mas madali itong pag-ipunan ng galit at pagkamuhi.

Pero hindi mo gagawin iyon. Hahayaan mo lang na dumaloy sa iyong pisngi ang mga luha at kahuli-hulihang patak ng ulan. Alinman ang unang maubos, ikaw ay patuloy na tatayo sa gitna ng daan.

Maghihintay. Aasa.

Dahil kahit maging balewala ka na sa isang tao, mananatili siyang importante sa iyo.

***
OUCH!

B-O-R-E-D

2005-09-11T01:42:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Birthdate: October 28

Your birth on the 28th day of the month (1 energy) adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your Life Path. The number 1 energy suggest more executive ability and leadership qualities than you path may have indicated.A birthday on the 28th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach.
Unlike much of the other 1 energy, this birthday is one that endow with the ability to start a job and continue on until it is finished. You may prefer to use the broad brush, but you can handle details as well. You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed. You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.And that's marriage - with the right person.You're serious about settling down some time soon.Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's" Your Ideal Relationship?

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantityYou've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks offAnd you're adaptable, giving each partner what they craveWhen it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Your Brain's Pattern

Your brain is always looking for the connections in life.You always amaze your friends by figuring out things first.You're also good at connecting people - and often play match maker.You see the world in fluid, flexible terms. Nothing is black or white.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You tend to give more than take in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

Kulang Sa Tulog

2005-09-07T03:52:00.000+08:00

Akala ko pa naman, makakatulog na ako ng ayos dahil hanggang 12mn na lang shift ko... hindi pa rin pala. Hirap din palang umuwi ng ganung ka-late. Akala ko kasi okay lang, parang lagi ka lang may gimick. Kakatakot din pala. Tapos, ang dami mo pang maririnig na mga "horror" stories. Ah eh, okay lang na hindi ako makatulog ng 8 hours a day basta ba sigurado akong masisikatan pa ako ng araw kinabukasan.

May sleeping room nga dito sa office, pero sabi nila may mumu daw... Ganda ng life noh? Okay na akong puyat basta alam kong walang mumu sa tabi ko!

Kaya eto, post na naman ako ng isang bagong entry. Wala na kasi akong magawa. Unti-unti ko na ring nauubosan na nga din ako ng mga websites na bibisitahin eh. Naasikaso ko tuloy ang aking neopet na hindi na-dead kahit na almost one month ko na syang hindi napakain. Buti pa nga yung pet ko na yun, ang dami na nyang pera sa bank account nya. Alagang-alaga ang loko eh.

At dahil ang dami kong free time dito sa office, ang dami ko tuloy naiisip...

*My gosh, 1 year and 7 months na ako dito sa trabaho ko. Hindi ko ma-imagine na makakatagal ako sa ganitong trabaho. Yun nga lang, mukhang malapit ko na ting iwan ito kasi the account's slowly becoming a sales account. 'Yeta naman! Pwede ba, hindi ako mahilig mag-upsell. At ayoko talaga ng trabaho na actively involved in selling.

*Gusto kong pumunta ng beach! More than 2 years na akong hindi nakakakita ng dagat eh!

*Miss ko na mga friends ko. Calling Rosey... Ang lapit na nga natin, hindi pa tayo nagkikita. ganda naman kasi ng restdays ko, thursday and friday ba naman eh. Ayos!

*I need to cut my hair... I also need to go shopping for new clothes. Hehehe, looking for an excuse to spend without the guilt.

*Gusto kong bumalik ulit sa Baguio. At sana naman sa pagbalik ko, hindi na umuulan noh! Hirap kayang mag-ikot 'pag umuulan.

*Hirap palang magutom... Dati kasi hindi ako nakakaramdam ng gutom. Haaay, kailan kaya ako papayat?

*Bitter pa rin nga ba ako after all these times? Hmmmm, hindi na noh! Promise, okay na ako. Hanap nyo na lang ako ng bagong "papa". Basta ang gusto ko: Tall, dark and handsome ha?

*Bakit kaya ayoko na ng beer? Ang gastos ko tuloy 'pag nagpapadala ako sa "peer pressure".

*Kailang kaya ako titigil mag-smoke? Lagi na nga akong nagkakasakit, hindi pa rin ako natututo!

*Miss ko na ang aking "partner-in-crime" na pamangkin ko. Hoy, bru uwi ka na dito. Pero 'wag kalimutan ang pasalubong ko ha?

*At dahil kay "Elf"... Naalala ko tuloy na kailangan ko ng pumunta sa spa para magpa-massage. Saan kaya okay? Suggestions please.

*Corny talaga ng mga posts ko... Sabi nga ng aking seatmate, parang diary talaga ang dating. I wonder kong sino na ang mga nakabasa nito. Yuck, nahiya naman akong bigla.

At dahil wala namang pinapatunguhan ang entry na ito. Titigil na ako.

Tama Naman 'Di Ba?

2005-09-06T02:08:00.000+08:00

"When you lose someone... and you think you were the one who loved most, between the two of you... he lost more. For someday you can love someone the way that you loved him...But he will never be loved again the way that you did."

Got this from this blog.

Tama nga naman siya.

BULAGA!

2005-09-05T23:12:00.000+08:00

Wala lang... Nagulat lang talaga ako. Akala ko, nabaon na ako sa limot. Pero sana hindi mo na lang pinatulan yun. Nahiya tuloy ako bigla.

My Life... In General.

2005-09-03T22:34:00.000+08:00

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun, then you grow up
and learn to be cautious; you could break a bone, or a heart. You look before
you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone
there to catch you. And in life, there is no safety net. When did it stop being
fun and start being scary?
(Sex and the City)

Yeah, when did my life start being scary? Let's take a trip down memory lane shall we...?

When I saw my cousin crying over her ex-boyfriend... I was in grade school then. Imagine the trauma of having to listen to my cousin crying and making kwento about how she's hurting over that jerk. Since then, I never got over my initial distrust over men in general.

When I decided to study in Baguio... I moved away from my parent's house and started making decisions on my own. Even thought my parent's still supported me financially, I am now responsible for everyday stuff like, "Do I get up early to go to school or do I just miss that boooring class?" or "Do I go to that party or do I stay at home to get that much needed sleep?" or "Should I cook to be able to save money or do I just eat out?".

When my Lola died... I finally realized that we cannot will somebody to live forever just so they could continue to be there for you.

When I first decided to drop a class... Uh-huh, that was a tough decision for me 'coz even though I was not a diligent student (ever) I never flunked any of my subjects and then had to explain to my parents why my grades were that low. It was then when I knew that highschool is vastly different than college.

When my then bestfriend moved to the States... That was when I felt really "alone". No more late night telephone conversations and impromptu lunches. She was the "keeper" of all my secrets and the only person I trusted.

When I fell in love... Not that I wasn't happy, I was. This was just the time when I discovered that I could never ever have total control over my life. That you sometimes needed another person to be happy.

When I had my first encounter with infidelity... Yah know, married men trying to court you. 'Coz you see, I've always believed that this stuff only happens in movies.

When I first had my heart broken... It was then I realized that giving your all does not necessarily mean that he will stay and you get to live your life happily ever after.

Fun, Fun, Fun...!!!

2005-08-31T04:13:00.000+08:00

Just had 2 shots of tequila... yumyum! I missed this life, man! How I wish I was back in Baguio drinking 'till dawn. No worries back then, no complications and definitely no heartaches. Life back then was simple... You just worry about when your allowance gonna come so you could do the same shit over and over again. Not that I never bothered about mah grades, I did. Just to show my parent's that I'm still the daughter they raised, hehehe!!!

Looking back, I do miss the good times then. Missed my friends and all the random people you get to meet along the way. The stories they tell and the experiences that go along with that kind of life. But, I grew up... No longer am I that carefree gal who at a point just coasted through life, content with the here and now. Now, all the things that we got to talk about during those long ago nights I have more or less experienced. The good and also the bad stuff.

But I would still like to think that life is good... You'd never the distinguish the good times if you still haven't experienced the bad times...right?

Finally... A Good Day

2005-08-29T03:23:00.000+08:00

Feeling quite accomplished... Why? Hmmm, I was able to find a site where I could compile a list of music videos I liked and be able to play it here. Kinda late I guess, but at least I'll have more sounds to listen to and not just one song. Yun nga lang, medyo maka-pop ako tsaka may ads kaya sorry na lang kayo, hehehe. Eh blog ko ito noh! Sana lang, 'wag masyadong bumagal yung site.

It's almost 4am and I'm still here at the office... Lakas ng loob ko kasi naka-leave ako for a day. I got to play with mah "neopet", aliw!

At finally, nakita ko na si "brat"... hehehe! Na-miss na kasi kita bru eh. Take care lagi ha?

Haaaay, dami ko sanang gustong isulat dito, medyo inatake lang ako ng konting katamaran. Next time na lang siguro. Dami ko ng kwento. And take note, happy stories na yung mga yun! Saya!

Sana lang tuloy-tuloy na ito!

Sorry, talagang pessimistic lang akong tao eh.

For The Last Time

2005-08-27T23:37:00.000+08:00

"Behind These Hazel Eyes"

by Kelly Clarkson

Seems like just yesterday

You were a part of me

I used to stand so tall

I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tight

Everything, it felt so right

Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

Now I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life

Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

'Cause I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out

For hating you, I blame myself

Seeing you it kills me now

No, I don't cry on the outside

Anymore...

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

***Alam ko, sobra na ito... Just saw the video and then there goes those damn stupid memories...again! I promised myself to finally let go. Can't stand this anymore. Can't let my whole life be ruined by just one person... It may take longer than I initially hoped but I'll definitely get there.

Left all the ygroups connected to your class 'coz I no longer belong. I was just a lurker anyways. I don't need the constant reminder of what I lost. I just hope, it's not gonna be an "issue" or if I'm lucky nobody would notice.

Why is it just so darn hard to forget you? Or to get angry at you? And, no I never wanted to be just friends. Remember what I told you before...? Never again... Sir.

GOODBYE.

Not A Good One

2005-08-22T21:50:00.000+08:00

Been a very baaaad girl today... Still feeling that bitchy vibe everytime I go to work... Still getting bothered with stuff I'm not supposed to have any business with. Like the girl who doesn't know how to color coordinate. Or that guy who thinks he's all that (but he's definitely not!). Yeah, I can be mean sometimes. I especially hate guys who crowds my space even though there's a whole lot of space somewhere!

Then today... I got a whooping 45 minute call! This customer even hums while waiting for the page to load!!! WTF?!!! I guess that was my payback for being mean to innocent people. Sucks to be me today...

Currently feeling so drained and HUNGRY! But since I'm on a diet, let's forget the being hungry part shall we?

Happy Birthday Rosario!!!

2005-08-22T15:39:00.000+08:00

To my dearest friend... I wish you all the best and stay HAPPY! Miss you so much... Hope to see you soon.

A Little Bit of Everything

2005-08-21T00:34:00.000+08:00

Since I can't organize my thoughts really well... Here's my version of a "halo-halo" post.

What is the meaning of "PERSONAL"?
Main Entry: 1per·son·al
Pronunciation: 'p&rs-n&l, 'p&r-s&n-&l
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French, from Late Latin personalis, from Latin persona
1 : of, relating to, or affecting a person : PRIVATE, INDIVIDUAL
2 a : done in person without the intervention of another; also : proceeding from a single person b : carried on between individuals directly
3 : relating to the person or body
4 : relating to an individual or an individual's character, conduct, motives, or private affairs often in an offensive manner
5 a : being rational and self-conscious b : having the qualities of a person rather than a thing or abstraction
6 : of, relating to, or constituting personal property
7 : denoting grammatical person
(courtesy of www.webster.com)

***So why the heck do we still to ask for permission? Wala lang just wondering out loud...

Tell me: Do I go back to HR or do I stay here? Been stressing about my current job and everytime I'm feelin' this way I always think of switching jobs. Haaaay, I envy my friends who are still doing HR work. Maybe, I do need to polish that resume right away and send it to the beautiful Ms. Grace.

Why is it there are days that everything I see annoys me?

When I was interviewed for this job, I specifically said: I don't like sales... And so they sent me to this account. But now... So what do I do?

4 more days to go... Rest day ko na ulit. Haaaay, me and my very booooring life. Imagine, event na sa akin ang pagdating ng rest day ko. Yuck, corny ko na! Anyways, meron namang naka-schedule na board meeting for Okasyon kaya I need to get started with those proposals.

Saw the entourage of our client's October wedding at eto lang talaga ang naisip ko: "Hindi talaga ako pwedeng pumunta kasi andun din si R*****. I don't wanna answer the inevitable questions I'm gonna hear. Oh please...

Attention Lynn: Please don't ask me to go to that wedding. I just wanna avoid some very awkward moments.

To You:
How are you na po? Hope you're doing fine... Me? I'm good... I think. Just one question though... Did you ever ***** me?

Blooming Daw Si Ako?!!!

2005-08-20T17:58:00.000+08:00

Okasyon Marketing Meeting
08/19/2005, 6pm
Starbucks, Podium

Yup, I'm back with the group! My thoughts of "leaving" the group is now forgotten. Just needed a break from the "crap" that had been going around lately. Our (me and Ate Anna's) Baguio trip kinda helped. It made me focus again and made me remember our first and foremost goal. Thanks much to Lynn, Ate Anna and Ate Celle for making me remember again.

Anyways, since I'm back again on track I now need to make a LOT of future proposals, trade fairs, Christmas parties (thanks Case for starting this one) and that pilgrimage thingee. And if we're gonna get the Scribe Launch and that Christmas Party - Baguio we'll definitely be back (sana lang 'wag umulan noh)! Ang saya naman! Kaya no more time to feel sorry for myself.

Besides, ang sabi nga ni Amber and Case eh "blooming" ako ngayon. Hehehe!!! Tsaka I have a feeling I'm (slowly but surely) loosing weight - would just need to work hard regarding this matter. Sarap kasing kumain eh! Pero promise, I'm going back to my "diet". No more 2am raids of the fridge for me.

Nearly Forgotten...

2005-08-16T21:26:00.000+08:00

Bakit Pa Ba
by Jay R

Nagpapaalam ka dahil nasaktan kita
Noo'y 'di makitang mali ako
Ngayo'y alam ko na, sayo'y nagkasala
Sana muli ako'y mapatawad pa

Araw-araw kang lumuluha, sa akin ay nagmamakaawa
Noo'y 'di narinig pagsamo mo

Bakit pa ba nagawa
Nasaktan ko ang isang tulad mo na labis na nagmamahal
'Di napansin na walang katulad ang alay na pag-ibig mo sa akin
Ako sana muli ay patawarin

Kaytagal akong bulag sa katulad mo
Gayong wagas yaring pag-ibig mo
Iniwan pa kita (iniwan pa kita), laging nag-iisa
Bakit pa nagawa ito sa 'yo

Hmmm, kailan ko kaya maririnig ang kantang ito galing sa iyo? Yup, you're right minsan nangangarap pa rin ako na sana... Pero alam ko naman na malabong mangyari yun. I'm just having a hard time letting you go. Bakit kaya? Ikaw, nakalimutan mo na kaya ako? Sa tingin ko, nakalimutan mo na nga ako... Ang sakit pa rin eh.

Stumbled upon this blog and it actually made me remember you - again. It also reminded me that I am not the only one going through this whole mess. That blog is the reason why I broke my promise not to write about you in this space ever again (I actually created a whole new blog devoted to my gripes about you - pathetic!). Browsed through her entries and it made me think na "bakit kaya ang hirap ninyong kalimutan?".

*side-comment lang po*
Does violet and mint green go together? Wala lang, nakita ko kasi yung combination na yun when I took my last break... Yeah I know, I'm waaaaay baaaaad!

*pahabol tungkol sa blog na ito*
Was able to "find out" the guy she was talking about... Really felt sad 'coz I kinda (saw him once - not that he knows me - I know somebody who knows him) know the guy. Akala ko pa naman matino sya, hindi pala. Totoo nga ba talaga yung sinabi ng seatmate ko dito sa office: mabilis naman talagang maloko ang mga babae? Ang sad ko tuloy ngayon kasi parang hindi ko na mapaniwalaan yung mga nasabi ni A sa akin dati. Baka lahat ng mga pinaniwalaan ko dati wala naman talagang katotohanan... Ang lungkot naman 'pag ganun nga talaga.

Pakshet naman... 3 months na nga ang nakalipas pero parang wala pa ring pagbabago. Parang hindi ko pa rin sya makalimutan. Akala ko kayang-kaya ko ito... Hindi pala, mali na naman ang akala ko. Ano ba kasi ang meron yung taong yun at hanggang ngayon... Aha bahala na. Darating din siguro ang panahon na masasabi ko na talaga ang linyang: I'm over him!

I'm looking for the REAL closure of our relationship. Will I ever find the closure I am looking for? 'Coz I definitely don't wanna go on like this... Just drifting along mah so-called life. I wanna let go... Please tell me how.

{09 May 2005}

Alone once again
A lonely face amongst blank faces
Aimlessly wandering in a sea of broken dreams
Trying to pick up the pieces of my so-called life
Longing to be whole again

Okay na... tama na nga ito. Pagod na ako eh.

Sleepy...Again!

2005-08-14T16:08:00.000+08:00

As a result of our 3 day Baguio trip... I'm real sleepy again!!!

...details about our trip to follow. Wasn't able to take any pictures though (sayang!).

Can't Wait...?

2005-08-10T23:58:00.000+08:00

here we come...
I'm excited... Kinda!

Hey Yah!

2005-08-07T20:14:00.000+08:00

...Missed these guys so much!!! I hope to see you guys more often... I just wish you were also there.

I'm Back... Kinda!

2005-08-06T18:19:00.000+08:00

Got sick...again! This means that I've been sick twice in just a span of less than 3 months. So no more yosi (for now!) but I'm still sticking with my diet! It's just that the medication I'm taking is making me eat... I'm always hungry (hehehe, what's new with that naman kasi?).

So what have I been up to lately? Well, aside from getting sick I finally got to meet up with old friends from Sterling. Yey! Missed them so much... It's just that the person I was expecting did not come (nothing new at that department). I'm also having second thoughts about the biz. Why? Well, I'm feeling a bit stressed lately and I felt that in the state that I am currently in I could very well be a liability to the company... My mind's not working properly and I always do not have the energy to even think of new ideas and the fact that I'm now feeling that I'm dragging myself to our regular meetings. Excuses? Nope, this is the real thing (as far as I am concerned). And a somebody called at our house... 'nuff said about that, I never did get to talk with that somebody anyway.

But WTF, I'm still thinking about you! Please get out of my mind, you're messing up my thoughts!

New Lease in Life...?

2005-07-24T01:50:00.000+08:00

Just got mah new sked... 3pm - 12mn with Thursdays and Fridays as restdays. It may seem like a real crappy schedule to others but I'm actually looking forward to it... It could be like a whole new environment for me. And a total change of sleeping habits for me. The only thing I'm kinda apprehensive about is how am I gonna go home now? Will I need to go home as soon as I log-out and try to sleep at home or do I just sleep first at the sleeping room before going home.

Another concern for me right now is if I'm totally moving in to our new house... With all the stuff happening right now at our old house, I'm really thinking of this alternative. But, how could I ever hope to go home at night? It's so far from Makati! Oh joy! It's definitely gonna be a whole new world for me if ever...

For Real?

2005-07-23T22:22:00.000+08:00

Was able to log-in to my blogger account... Am I dreaming or did something happen over my restdays?

After 2 days of not doing anything... I still feel tired. Dunno if our Baguio trip will push through as scheduled (July 28-July 30)... Maybe this trip would do something for me. Maybe not.