Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

I cried because of you again... but I promise that will be the last time I will cry because of you. I am stopping this sick cycle NOW because it has to stop for my sake. I have let go of my pride but it never meant anything to you. What I did before never did matter to you a bit. All that mattered is what YOU want. I finally get it... you never did love me, not even when you told me the words. You told me in so many words that it was my fault... and maybe I was at fault but I refuse to take all the blame of what happened before. We were to blame. Me and my walls and you and your distrust. Gosh, up until now, you never did believe me when I told you that you were my first. Ain't that funny?! How would you know? Were you there when it happened, my supposed first?! That should have been my first clue, that we will never work out, but no, I was so blinded with my feelings for you that I let that one go... just like all the things that I ignored which eventually lead to us not working out. You had your chance... My gosh, I was just a half-step away from jumping again into the abyss that you created! Thank you for stopping me and making me see that I deserve better. Yes, I still love you but I will love myself more now. There will be no more what if's because you just showed me a glimpse of my future. I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life so I will move on and thank God that I have finally gotten my closure... from you nonetheless. I now know that I will get my happy ending, not from you, but from somebody who will love and appreciate me for who I am. I have said my final and last goodbye to you. Even though I did not get what I think I want, I have gotten a more precious gift and that is the lesson that I am worthy to be loved because I deserve it.

You never did deserve me because I loved you with all of my heart but you just threw that away and chose to believe your own twisted imaginings. I will be happy even without you by my side, just you wait and see!

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I feel such a ninny! After writing all of the above I am now feeling so low! Honestly, I am back to feeling that I should have just gotten over my pride and just said YES and to hell with what's gonna happen in the future. I feel so weak and incapable of deciding what is really best for me. Why is it that I always get this feeling whenever I have to deal with him? With other areas of my life I am my logical self and always thinks about the future but with him I am different... I just can't force myself to go with whatever decision that I have made and just stick with it until the end. To put it bluntly, he is my biggest weakness, the chink in my armor that I could never, in a million years, ignore. You heard that right, even though I have made myself promise, at least a hundred times over, that I will move on and forget about him, I never did get pass that stage. I am forever stuck in the whole cycle of crazy emotions and tears and promises to oneself that never materialized. I know that I so do not need this right now but why can't I just get over myself and just stop putting myself through all this? Am I really supposed to feel this way? Do I really deserve this? Do I really deserve to love a man who will never love me back the way I love him?

This is something that I wrote a couple of days ago, February 19 to be exact...

I sound like a broken record and somebody who cannot follow through on her promises but I just really need to let this out or I'm gonna break down - BIG TIME! I feel like I am the BIGGEST loser in the entire galaxy right now. I cannot seem to do anything right. I am always being pulled back by whatever it is that is pulling me back and I can't seem to get away from it. (Note to self: This kinda applies to both my personal and professional life now.) And as I do whenever I am in a jam I usually fantasize that I am just going to bail out and walk out on the problem falsely thinking that it will be alright in the end. I know that is really a bad attitude to take but that is me and I try to live with that weakness of mine. So Can i Go Now? Yeah, just like that song... I really just wanna go and leave all these shitty things behind me, to be forever forgotten. Well, not really forget about it 'coz I will definitely remember what I will not be doing again! So what is that?! A rainbow at the end of the storm? LOL!!!

BUT after all that venting out (and a bit of crying), I know that I will not just give up that easily this time around. I will fight until the end and will see all these through and I know that I will come out on top... Maybe not in very good condition, but I will still win. So what will I do? I'll start with all the case summaries that i have to finish. I think currently I have more than 15 case summaries to finish!!! But I will exert best efforts to finish all of them by Monday shift next week. Argh! Pressure!!! Then I will finish all the clearances by Friday so I could send the lot of them by Saturday this week. I would also rollout those 2 new policies to all trainers starting Friday's shift so I would be able to pace myself but still meet the deadline, which was set on Wednesday next week. Next in line would be the training of the folks at the office so all would know what is expected from them starting from that time. Another thing that I have to finish is the audit of all files encoded, which is a lot!!! Hmmm, I think around 5 long brown envelopes full!!! Finally, I have to focus on all those notices that needs to be sent out. That needs to be closed next week as well. There you go... what the rest of this month will look for me. Hopefully, I get to sleep and rest in between.

So to you... Will you please just be around because I need you right now. I need the high that you give to me. So my answer to your question is... YES.

And Now, here's what I think... Well, actually a song is more appropriate...


Call Me When You're Sober


Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.


Are you coming or going, please make up your mind now or I'm gonna give up. I again have an internal deadline and I think you know when that would be. Just 3 more days and the game will finally be over. The ball is now in your court...

I feel like I'm in limbo. I don't know whether I am floating up or falling down with all that is happening right now in my personal life. One would say that I am happy or just feeling giddy or if one is pessimistic, one could say that I am feeling the after effects if being so high (last night!). As of 6:42PM today, I have not heard from the one person that I would like to hear from. Maybe, what happened then was mere fluke and that I was taken for a ride, big time if I may say so! Maybe, you never meant what you said... Why is that when I have finally made up my mind you will do things on the contrary? Can you make up your mind once and for all? 'Coz I already have a decision.. I am ready to take another step but are you really there to take that step with me?

You said that you love me and I don't know how to process that... By process, I meant, do I actually believe you or not. My belief in other people (okay, guys in general) is more less not there. Yeah, I think that is something I really have to work out if I wanna get my "happily ever after" eventually. But, honestly do you really feel that way? One reason why I find that hard to believe is because we not been, really, talking for a long time already and now you're gonna tell me that. Hmmm, that, I think, is just so hard to believe.

You asked me a question, that you said is answerable by just a "yes" or "no", however I hope you really understood why I cannot answer immediately. There's just so many things to consider. In all honestly, I want to say "yes", 'coz I've been waiting for this for a long time now, but I now find out that what you are offering me is not enough and I want more. Yeah, I am a selfish little bitch who just wants to have it all. Hopefully, you'll hang in there for a little while until I finally make up my mind. I am hoping that this is not just a "phase" and that I am now your rebound girl because I want to have that chance. Just a shot with happiness again, is that too much to ask?

Can I please cry for a minute or two? I don't know but I am feeling quite invincible right now. Am I really here or am I just a figment of their imagination? Maybe I am just a non-entity who is very dispensible. I know that I just wrote yesterday that I am going to just grin and bear it but that's not who I am. However, I will be silent for I do not have the capability (right now) to fight all of these battles on my own. But I will do something about this... Maybe in a month or two I could go back to Manila so that all of these would just stop. And maybe, all the static in my brain will finally cease and I will be whole again.

I'm so freaking out right now! There's just a million things to do and I, for the life of me, cannot find the time to do it all. And yes I am complaining, but this would also be the last time I'm gonna complain about work. All this whining has got to stop as I am not a baby anymore. I could take all this crap, but in the end, I'm going to finish - finish on top. I will not let all these darn things ruin my entire life. Work is just work. Okay, given the rate things are going right now, I spend almost 65 percent of my waking hours at the office, which means I still have 35 percent of those waking hours for myself. Thus, I am making a promise right now that I would not let work encrouch those measly 35 percent of "ME" time. Further, I would also not let a certain individual mess up my "sunny" disposition as of late.

I made a promise to myself before that I would not think negative thoughts anymore but I really can't help it! I definitely need to rant out now as my next shift is in jeopardy of being affected! I am just feeling so mad! Why does she have to ruin all of it? Doesn't she know that this is taking just about everybody's patience to the limit? One could never please her... argh! I so do not like her now! I thought I could just stay neutral but no, she just have to ruin it all! So to you: Would you please take some time out to look back into your recent actions? It's just NOT the behavior I expect from somebody who's supposedly leading the darn thing!

Or should I say, a new phase in my life? I finally realized this weekend that there is no use holding on to the past. The past will just be the past and it will stay there because it does not have any place in the present and future. Also, even if you try your very best to not let go of the past you will never be able to drag the past in your present life. This should not be new to me as I have been struggling with this dilemma for quite some time now. My problem actually lies with the fact that I am still hoping that someday my past will be my future or at the very least my present (instant gratification). However, over the past weekend I finally decided and accepted that I should fully let go of all that crap because it's just crap. No matter how much I wish or hope for it, I know that I will never be able to get what I want in regard to that. Yeah, I should have done this realization thing way earlier than just last weekend but I am just that type of gal who have trouble letting go. I need to really stand by my decisions and see it through until the finish line. So to all that crap... GOODBYE. I will now live my life in the here and now. All of those things would not in any way affect how I live my life now because I am much happier now. I have achieved what I haven't achieved then. I finally realized that I really can do it. That I have what it takes to turn my life around and be able to take on problems head on without crumbling down. So yesterday will be the last day I am going to make all that an issue. TODAY is the day... the day that I will never look back anymore because the past will just be the past.