Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

I cried because of you again... but I promise that will be the last time I will cry because of you. I am stopping this sick cycle NOW because it has to stop for my sake. I have let go of my pride but it never meant anything to you. What I did before never did matter to you a bit. All that mattered is what YOU want. I finally get it... you never did love me, not even when you told me the words. You told me in so many words that it was my fault... and maybe I was at fault but I refuse to take all the blame of what happened before. We were to blame. Me and my walls and you and your distrust. Gosh, up until now, you never did believe me when I told you that you were my first. Ain't that funny?! How would you know? Were you there when it happened, my supposed first?! That should have been my first clue, that we will never work out, but no, I was so blinded with my feelings for you that I let that one go... just like all the things that I ignored which eventually lead to us not working out. You had your chance... My gosh, I was just a half-step away from jumping again into the abyss that you created! Thank you for stopping me and making me see that I deserve better. Yes, I still love you but I will love myself more now. There will be no more what if's because you just showed me a glimpse of my future. I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life so I will move on and thank God that I have finally gotten my closure... from you nonetheless. I now know that I will get my happy ending, not from you, but from somebody who will love and appreciate me for who I am. I have said my final and last goodbye to you. Even though I did not get what I think I want, I have gotten a more precious gift and that is the lesson that I am worthy to be loved because I deserve it.

You never did deserve me because I loved you with all of my heart but you just threw that away and chose to believe your own twisted imaginings. I will be happy even without you by my side, just you wait and see!

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I feel such a ninny! After writing all of the above I am now feeling so low! Honestly, I am back to feeling that I should have just gotten over my pride and just said YES and to hell with what's gonna happen in the future. I feel so weak and incapable of deciding what is really best for me. Why is it that I always get this feeling whenever I have to deal with him? With other areas of my life I am my logical self and always thinks about the future but with him I am different... I just can't force myself to go with whatever decision that I have made and just stick with it until the end. To put it bluntly, he is my biggest weakness, the chink in my armor that I could never, in a million years, ignore. You heard that right, even though I have made myself promise, at least a hundred times over, that I will move on and forget about him, I never did get pass that stage. I am forever stuck in the whole cycle of crazy emotions and tears and promises to oneself that never materialized. I know that I so do not need this right now but why can't I just get over myself and just stop putting myself through all this? Am I really supposed to feel this way? Do I really deserve this? Do I really deserve to love a man who will never love me back the way I love him?

husmaryosep!!! finally had the time to blog-hop and i read this! i know you're not ok right now but hang in there! i can rush to you right now if you need somebody to talk to.