Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

My blog turned a year older last May 26, 2005 and since I had a lot going on, I completely forgot!!!

***Have a lot to blog about but can't seem to organize my thoughts.

Things are definitely not going my way... Just so you know, I've already reached my breaking point. The only question is, how do you breakdown and fall apart? Close friends know that I suck when it comes to the part where I would need to show what my true feelings are. Am not good in asking for help and letting go of my control over my emotions. That's the reason why most people think I'm always okay and happy... I wish!

A lot of things are happening around me and inside my head and I can't keep up! The sad part is, I just wanna give up and to hell with everything else! Don't know what I need to do first, the tasks that other people expects me to do or do I selfishly put those aside and just think of what I wanted to do first? To top it all off... not only am I sick in the head, I'm also physically sick, DAMN IT!!! I actually forgot that I do not have any special powers to ward off sickness. The 2 days PTO I filed did not help one bit. I must stop smoking and start taking my vitamins. I think I also need to go back to a healthy diet... you know, eat right and on time. I might loose weight but I also need the energy to do all the things I need to do on time.

'Yoko na talaga!!! Give up na me... Bakit kasi ang hirap mong kalimutan? Haaay, eto na naman ako. Para na akong sirang plaka nito eh. Akala ko okay na ako... hindi pa pala. All it took was that plane to crash and boom my hard-earned control went berseck! I know that I don't have any connection to that class anymore but --- ah ewan!!! But you know what, crying that night was the best thing that happened to me the past week or so. At least I was able to release all my pent-up emotions.

Ano nga ba talaga ang ginawa ko last week at nagkasakit na lang ako bigla?

*Overnight at Case's house - finished the letters needed for the events we are trying to organize.
*Ocular inspection of hotels in the manila area.
*Meeting for Okasyon etal.
*Ocular inspection of hotels in the makati area.
*Went to the wake in Fort Boni - not my idea, just doing Lynn a favor.
*Slept for 15 hours straight - yehey!!!
*Okasyon etal. board meeting - hay naku, dami ko na namang assignments.
*Went to work sick!

Hmmm, parang ang konti lang pala ng ginawa ko, pero super stressful. I guess, I got sick because of the weather na din. Mainit (sobra), tapos uulan (at syempre mababasa ako kasi wala akong payong, my fault!). Oh well, I hope I have one whole day to just rest and think of nothing. And God willing, when I do get to sleep I get to experience a dreamless sleep (meron bang ganito?).


Yuck, corny and boring ng post na ito! Can't organize my thoughts just yet. Actually, I just wanted to whine about ****** but I realized na sobra na talaga. I need to get a life!

***Note to self: Forget about him! Forget about him! Forget about him! Forget about him! Forget about him! Forget about him! Forget about him! Forget about him! Forget about him! Forget about him! Forget about him! Forget about him! Forget about him! Forget about him!

Was supposed to post some stuff here but I got distracted by little tidbit I heard... If that piece of shit is indeed true, well goodluck to all of us. Hopefully, I find a another job soon. The one thing I hate and never understood since time immemorial was politics. All we ever wanted was personal growth, but can you ever be proud if you know that deep inside that "achievement" was just brought about by your so-called connections? Oh well, I guess its really not my problem anyway... It's just so unfair to the individuals who are definitely deserving.

It's been two weeks since that DAY and I'm still here, thank God for small miracles! Came across this song - Fall For You by Shanice and for the first time I liked a song that is not about breaking up. It made me wish for the time when I would be able to sing this song someone. Wishful thinking at this time, that much I know, but one must never loose the ability to dream, right?


They say time is the great healer, I'm beginning to think this is true. I still have my moments of sadness, when I think of how much I lost... but then again maybe God has other plans for me. Maybe, he allowed me to meet him 'coz without him I may never learn to love the way I loved him. I gave my all to him but it still wasn't enough. I now know, that no matter how hard I hold on to him, it was no use 'coz it should have been a two-way street but it was never that way for us. And now, I have to move on... It's hard starting over but this is what I need to do right now. The time had come for me to finally accept that it really OVER and no matter how much I wish for all of this to be just a bad dream it's not gonna change my reality.

Pero pakshet naman, bakit ang hirap mong kalimutan?!!!

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

You're not making sense anyway!!! Feeling mo cute ka... Hindi naman noh!!!

Tapos na akong magpa-bitter eh, kaya I'm gonna give on to my lesser instinct: and that is to be pathetic! Actually, I've been listening to the latest song of Mariah Carey and her song "We Belong Together". Truth be told, if I had my way I'd rather be singing this song than the last one I posted. Oo na, pathetic na kung pathetic. Pero ganun talaga...

We belong together
Mariah Carey

I didn't mean it
When I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I could not fathom that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined
I'd be sitting here beside myself

'Cause I didn't know you
'Cause I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt
The feeling that I'm feeling now
Now that I don'tHear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
Cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, 'cause baby

When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody there
We belong together

I can't sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Singing to me
'If you think you're lonely now'
Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart
I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things Crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain't even half of what
I'm feeling inside
I need you
Need you back in my life baby

When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
Baby nobody else
We belong together

Bakit nga kaya ganun? Kung sino pa ang taong wala namang karapatang magloko, sila pa ang may lakas ng loob na mangloko ng kapwa nila? Sana maging masaya kayo... Sana hindi nyo maramdaman ang naramdaman ko ng malaman ko na niloloko nya lang pala ako. Syet na buhay ito - kung sino pa ang taong minahal ko ng todo siya pa ang magpapaiyak sa akin ng sobra-sobra. Kakapagod ng umiyak, nahihiya na ako sa sarili ko kasi ang tanga-tanga ko. Hindi ko naisip na wala talagang taong puwede mong pagkatiwalaan ng buong-buo. Kapareho ka lang pala ng mga ibang lalaki, hindi marunong makuntento sa meron na sila. Ang mali ko lang, minahal kita. Nakalimutan ko na pwede akong masaktan ng ganito dahil sa iyo.

Tama na yung limang taon ng pagiging tanga ko para sa iyo. Letseng relasyon kasi yan eh! Kaya ngayon, hindi na ako magmahal ng ganung katindi. Hindi na ulit ako magtitiwala ng lubusan sa isang taong hindi ko naman talaga nakilala ang buong pagkatao. Bitter na kung bitter, pero hindi na talaga mauulit.

P.S.
Bayaan nyo na ako, nakalimutan ko rin kasing magalit nung mga oras na yun. kaya ngayon ko lang nailalabas lahat. Pero sana, hindi na lang kita makita ulit, baka magpaka-gaga ako ulit ng dahil lang sa iyo.

Pero, wait lang... Paano nga ba mag move-on? How do you forget a person you loved like there is no tomorrow? How do you get over that individual who made you feel things that you thought was not possible before you met him? How do you undo the damage that resulted when the time to say goodbye has come? Can you ever forget the pain of being left alone by the one person that you loved the most?

If there are answers to these questions I do hope that I find out soon. 'Coz I was never good at being lonely. I really wanted to get mad over what happened but I can't seem to find the strength to... At least when I'm mad I could focus on other things and feel like it's really not my loss. But how come I just feel sad? It's not that I still haven't accepted the fact that its over... my mind knows the fact that it is really over but my heart still longs for - oh what the hell?!!! I'd better stop before my heart overrides my mind again. I should have known better, I mean what was I thinking when I failed to trust my instinct? Stupid, stupid, stupid!

This is the day when I stopped dreaming and started to join the real world. No more, waiting and no more looking for the truth...

To you:

Thank you for telling me the truth about you and me. You just don't know how much it means to me. I loved and will still love you but I'm gonna move on. In time, I will forget you. I'll forget this feeling that left me feeling whole but at the same time had caused too much pain. But I don't ever regret meeting and feeling this way 'coz you made feel alive and loved before... And for that I will always be thankful to you. The ending may not be the ending that I envisioned it to be but life still goes on. Time will not stop just because I'm hurting right now. I've accepted the fact that it's finally time to move on. Thank you for the memories and all the things you have thought me. But memory lane is now officially CLOSED!

To myself:

Please accept the fact that you're now alone. You're strong enough to accept this... Always remember that in time you're gonna feel better and be able to love again. Just don't forget the lessons you have learned in your journey that has just ended. Always keep them locked up in that special place where it won't have the power to hurt you. Also, always remember what your mom told you... "there is a reason why God placed the brain on top of the heart..." You may be hurting right now but that pain will pass... just give it time. You're not a computer that could just delete all the hurtful things in your life. Know that not all things comes easily but they will come... in God's time. Be patient and you would still get that chance to be happy forever and ever. Just not now.

To those who would be reading this post:

Do not worry about me... I may be sad for the coming days but its just me trying to deal with what had just happened. I may not smile for a while but someday I'm gonna learn to smile again.

Browsing through my 2001 planner, I saw an interesting piece that I wrote - if I remember correctly I was doing the stuff for a gift idea that I was intending to give. Let me just write it down here so I could officially close that "box of memories" and start moving on...

REMEMBER WHEN...

...we first met?
...you gave me that mag with a little note in it?
...you first sent me a text message?
...I first sent you a text message?
...we first talked over the phone?
...you asked me to be your girlfriend?
...I first visited you at that place as your girlfriend?
...we had our first kiss?
...I first introduced you to my friends as my boyfriend?
...you first introduced me to your friends as your girlfriend?
...we first fought over something?
...we first made-up after fighting?
...we spent the whole day together?
...we spent our first night together?
...we first had our out-of-town thingee?
...I first met your parents?
...you first met my parents?
...we broke up?
...we got back together after breaking-up?
...we spent Christmas together?
...we went to the beach?
...we first watched a movie together?
...we first had a serious talk session?
...we went on a gimik?
...we first went shopping?
...I went to your province?
...we surf the net together?
...we would fight over the phone then make-up before hanging-up?
...you first got really angry with me?
...we would just enjoy each other's company without saying anything?
...you said "I Love You" for the first time?
...I said "I Love You" for the first time?
...we started calling each other baby?
...I promised that I will always love you?
...you also promised that you will always love me too?

Now it's OVER... Let's start a new life shall we?

P.S.
Note to self: Close the d**n planner and start looking on to your future. It's no use going over the past... You're just stumble and fall again.