Wonderings of an Aimless Mind
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
i'm goin down
I need closure... Closure from this issue that had been nagging me for the past 3 months.
I don't like seeing that looong face in the mirror right after taking my bath.
I don't like this feeling of helplessness and thinking that I am unable to change anything because I'm useless and so profoundly stupid.
I don't like being in a relationship that I don't have any control over.
I don't like the dependency I have developed over the years for a certain person.
And I definitely don't like not knowing where I stand in this f*****g situation!
I'm in deep s**t over this matter... HELP!!!
I don't like seeing that looong face in the mirror right after taking my bath.
I don't like this feeling of helplessness and thinking that I am unable to change anything because I'm useless and so profoundly stupid.
I don't like being in a relationship that I don't have any control over.
I don't like the dependency I have developed over the years for a certain person.
And I definitely don't like not knowing where I stand in this f*****g situation!
I'm in deep s**t over this matter... HELP!!!
lizzieloves, 12:38:00 PM
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go AWAY unhappy thoughts
Finally... I'm gonna have a 3-day rest period. Just filed for PTO last night and it was approved right on the spot. Maybe they saw right through me and was moved by how much I needed a break from things. All I need now is a place where I can rest and hide... A place where I can slowly pick up the pieces of my life and start building a whole new one.
Now, the only question is: Is there such a place? A place so magical, that the moment you go to that special place you suddenly feel happy and very much detached from your present issues... I once have that special place but I can't seem to find it anymore. Hopefully, I could stumble upon that place again during this 3-day period.
Now, the only question is: Is there such a place? A place so magical, that the moment you go to that special place you suddenly feel happy and very much detached from your present issues... I once have that special place but I can't seem to find it anymore. Hopefully, I could stumble upon that place again during this 3-day period.
lizzieloves, 8:11:00 AM
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Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Happily Ever After...?
I'd like to say a few words. Please listen for a while. It concerns the man I
love, the man who made me smile. He made me smile not long ago, but then that
was before. Since you came into his life, he did not love me anymore. At once I
felt the change in him and when I found out why, I realized the time has come
for me to say goodbye. He told my friends we'll stay bestfriends. And though I
agreed with what he said, I knew his bestfriend could never be me. I could not
bear just to be friends with him. Each day would tear me apart, each passing
minute that we'd talk would end up breaking my heart. But with him I tried to
hide the pain. Try though as I might, I can not stop the tears from falling as I
write. And if you ask me if I do love him still, I will answer "yes I do". But
it does not really matter now since it is not me that he loves but you. So to
you I bring this message, to take care of him for me. Guide him and cherish him
for all eternity. And do not tell him I wrote this, that I still love him so. Do
not tell him that my heart is aching. Please, I do not want him to know. Do me
one favor, love him tenderly. Please hold him and kiss him, one more time for
me.
(cutestuffforsomeone.net)
I was actually just looking through an old "journal" of mine and I accidentally stumbled upon this entry... along with lot's of stuff I'd rather not read at the moment. I really do not know why I wrote it down before but now I think I know why. I guess everything happens for a reason right? All the things you do in life have a reason for being... You don't do things just for the heck of it, even though you think you're just doing things for the heck of it at that moment.
There's so much going on around me right now and I can't cope up with them. So I'm trying my best to enjoy "the ride". But as I go through this "ride", I'm finding out things I really do not want to find, hearing words I do not want to hear and feeling the emotions I do not want to feel. It's definitely a one hell of a bumpy ride. Not that I wanna back out of this... I know that I kinda needed this to make me acknowledge the things I'm ignoring for such a long time now.
Oh yeah, thank you for finally making me realize that I do need to move on... To stop going to places I'm no longer welcome. It would take time for me to accept that I could never have you and that I would never realize "the dream" that I've been having, but that's my problem. I promise not to burden you with this "healing process" of mine.
So please, just turn your back now and never look back again... 'coz I don't want you to know how hard this is for me.
lizzieloves, 11:53:00 PM
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Just a THOUGHT
"Guys don't literally dump women but they just make reasons for the women to dump them."
lizzieloves, 7:05:00 AM
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Sunday, April 24, 2005
What A Day!!!
I don't wanna work... I don't like saying the spiel over and over again! I should have just called-in for this shift!!! At least I get to rest tomorrow night 'coz my leave had been approved (thank god for small miracles!). The only thing I would need to worry at this moment is our upcoming meeting for Okasyon.et.al - hope I could stay awake for the duration of that meeting. Goodluck to me then...!
Like what I have said over and over and over again --- I'm real tired!!! Physically, mentally and emotionally drained. It's like I don't even have the energy to clear my mind with all the clutter that has been going on in my life right now. I really don't wanna deal with serious stuff right now but I think I need to (in the very near future) for the sake of my well-being. All I want right now is a chance to be happy again. A chance to live my life to the fullest without any dark clouds hanging over my head.
In order to achieve what I want, I think I wold need to do some big time purging which I know would hurt big time. But then again, I'd rather face the pain now than go out my mind. You win some, you loose some right? At this point I do not know what I could loose in the process, but I've already accepted the fact that I NEED to make some changes soon. Never mind the tears that I would inadvertently shed... if all will end well in the future then that's the price I'm very much willing pay.
I've finally reached the end of the line and I don't think I can still extend that line... I have to decide now or else there won't be anything left for me to start over again. I know that starting over again is never easy but hopefully I could get through that process. Just stop this unexplainable feeling that makes it hard for me to breathe.
P.S.
It's the 24th day of the month... why can't I just forget? Maybe it would help if I could only forget...
Like what I have said over and over and over again --- I'm real tired!!! Physically, mentally and emotionally drained. It's like I don't even have the energy to clear my mind with all the clutter that has been going on in my life right now. I really don't wanna deal with serious stuff right now but I think I need to (in the very near future) for the sake of my well-being. All I want right now is a chance to be happy again. A chance to live my life to the fullest without any dark clouds hanging over my head.
In order to achieve what I want, I think I wold need to do some big time purging which I know would hurt big time. But then again, I'd rather face the pain now than go out my mind. You win some, you loose some right? At this point I do not know what I could loose in the process, but I've already accepted the fact that I NEED to make some changes soon. Never mind the tears that I would inadvertently shed... if all will end well in the future then that's the price I'm very much willing pay.
I've finally reached the end of the line and I don't think I can still extend that line... I have to decide now or else there won't be anything left for me to start over again. I know that starting over again is never easy but hopefully I could get through that process. Just stop this unexplainable feeling that makes it hard for me to breathe.
P.S.
It's the 24th day of the month... why can't I just forget? Maybe it would help if I could only forget...
lizzieloves, 3:24:00 AM
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Labo Mo 'Pre!
I am now confused, as in thoroughly C-O-N-F-U-S-E-D!!! What's going on na ba talaga? What's going on in that mind of yours and you seem to suddenly change direction -- AGAIN? I'm way lost... Why is it whenever I'm about to accept the whole situation you do this move again? Now I'm tired and confused.
What do you really want to happen? Please tell me... NOW NA, pwede?
What do you really want to happen? Please tell me... NOW NA, pwede?
lizzieloves, 11:34:00 PM
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Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Ms. Pathetic
Am I being pathetic or am I being pathetic? I could now hear Cai on the background: "Who's bitter and pathetic now". But I beg to disagree -- I may be pathetic but I'm definitely not bitter. Besides, I really do not have any valid reason to be bitter anyway. Just a wee bit hurt... okay so I'm lying! I am hurt... BIG TIME! Part of the reason why I'm feeling this way is because I'm thoroughly confused of what's happening with my life. I just can't understand why it had come to this point. It's such a confusing mess and I can't seem to pick up all the pieces and put it back the way it was before. Is there still a chance for us to make things right? Or do we just give up and move on?
I have so many things to ask you but I don't think I would ever get the chance to ask them. It's so sad that things got this bad when they were so good before...
I have so many things to ask you but I don't think I would ever get the chance to ask them. It's so sad that things got this bad when they were so good before...
lizzieloves, 7:31:00 AM
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NUMB
I've been taking pain killers like there's no tomorrow because of a bum tooth (to hell with dentists... yup i'm deathly afraid of them!!!). However, I was hoping that the pill could also make my feelings numb from the constant onslaught of painful thoughts even for just an hour each day. 'Coz it seems like I've forgotten how it feels to be really happy and free.
Hopefully my one day rest day could give me time to get a new a perspective of this whole situation. One good thing about the passage of time is that I'm feeling resigned and is slowly beginning to accept over the whole situation. Hopefully, I could also start anew...
P.S.
Should I just rename my blog to "The Pathetic Heartbreak Diary of A Pathetic Girl?" Whatcha think Cai?
Hopefully my one day rest day could give me time to get a new a perspective of this whole situation. One good thing about the passage of time is that I'm feeling resigned and is slowly beginning to accept over the whole situation. Hopefully, I could also start anew...
P.S.
Should I just rename my blog to "The Pathetic Heartbreak Diary of A Pathetic Girl?" Whatcha think Cai?
lizzieloves, 6:37:00 AM
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Tuesday, April 12, 2005
NEARLY OVER
I don't know how long I can keep up with this kind of lifestyle. I'm near the point of giving up and just walking away from all these hang-ups and issues... Ain't life grand, one problem after another. It's like a bottomless pit and it looks like there's nowhere to go but DOWN!
I'm surviving on an average of 3 hours of sleep per day during my work week (at least I get to sleep on my restdays, 14 hour sleep po ito, bawi naman 'di ba?), insomniac na po ulit ako - back to the same old habit. An average of 8 sticks (yeah, I'm talking about the marlboro menthol kind) a day. At least an hour of staring into nothingness (pwede po ito, subukan nyo). At least 30 minutes of daydreaming about what could or should have been. 2 to 3 C2's per work day. One meal with rice a day (hmmm, still struggling to keep up with this kind of diet!). Hoping for at least text message per day - dream on girl!!!
Anyways, I know I'm pathetic. No need to tell it to my face, okay? I just need to move on and move out of this phase of my life. The only problem is HOW THE HELL DO I ACCOMPLISH THAT? As I've said over and over again... I'm tired! Sooooo tired, the kind that seeps into your bones and permeates your mind so that in the end you just can't do anything about it. But then again, I also know that I'm not that helpless. I would just need to face what my life is and accept the fact that I can't go on as before 'coz everything has changed. I'm just so lazy to take charge of my life right now... So in the meantime, I'm just letting myself be blown away by whatever is happening around me and then later when I finally get the energy and the will to change my fate - I will take charge of my life again. Like the ways I always do ('coz it's only I who can save me, right?).
I'm surviving on an average of 3 hours of sleep per day during my work week (at least I get to sleep on my restdays, 14 hour sleep po ito, bawi naman 'di ba?), insomniac na po ulit ako - back to the same old habit. An average of 8 sticks (yeah, I'm talking about the marlboro menthol kind) a day. At least an hour of staring into nothingness (pwede po ito, subukan nyo). At least 30 minutes of daydreaming about what could or should have been. 2 to 3 C2's per work day. One meal with rice a day (hmmm, still struggling to keep up with this kind of diet!). Hoping for at least text message per day - dream on girl!!!
Anyways, I know I'm pathetic. No need to tell it to my face, okay? I just need to move on and move out of this phase of my life. The only problem is HOW THE HELL DO I ACCOMPLISH THAT? As I've said over and over again... I'm tired! Sooooo tired, the kind that seeps into your bones and permeates your mind so that in the end you just can't do anything about it. But then again, I also know that I'm not that helpless. I would just need to face what my life is and accept the fact that I can't go on as before 'coz everything has changed. I'm just so lazy to take charge of my life right now... So in the meantime, I'm just letting myself be blown away by whatever is happening around me and then later when I finally get the energy and the will to change my fate - I will take charge of my life again. Like the ways I always do ('coz it's only I who can save me, right?).
lizzieloves, 3:15:00 AM
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Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Stupid ME!!!!
I accidentally deleted part of my original template... So now I have to start over and try to re-construct my blog. So my blog's temporarily:
UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!!
lizzieloves, 10:08:00 AM
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Blinkie Shoppin'
I dunno why, but I really have this thing with "blinkies". So yesterday, right after my shift at work I went about surfing the net for blinkies... It was so much fun, hehehe!!! That's why I'm doing it again, today.
So here's some of the blinkies I was able to "adopt". Cute ain't they?
So here's some of the blinkies I was able to "adopt". Cute ain't they?
lizzieloves, 7:57:00 AM
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Friday, April 01, 2005
This SUCKS!!!
I'm not happy with my work anymore... I'm feeling the familiar pull to hand-in my resignation letter again... If ever, this would be the 3rd resignation letter I'll be submitting to my immediate supervisor.
Why do I want to resign? Here are the reasons...
1. The work place is no longer conducive to my personal growth.
2. I'm not happy with the work I do.
3. I'm bored, big-time!
4. I'm getting fat!
5. I'm always sleepy.
6. I always want to file for PTO, even though I have probably used up half of my 20 PTO's for the year (and it's only the start of April!).
7. I always feel like "calling-in" even though not sick.
8. I'm slowly going out of mah mind.
9. I always feel like somethings holding me back whenever it's time for me to go to work.
10. I'm always late (back to my old habits)!
11. My mood improves a bit whenever its my rest days.
12. I feel sick whenever I think of pressing the log-in button on my callmaster.
But then again, I'll probably not resign... I mean, I don't wanna go through the hassle of looking for another job again!
Why do I want to resign? Here are the reasons...
1. The work place is no longer conducive to my personal growth.
2. I'm not happy with the work I do.
3. I'm bored, big-time!
4. I'm getting fat!
5. I'm always sleepy.
6. I always want to file for PTO, even though I have probably used up half of my 20 PTO's for the year (and it's only the start of April!).
7. I always feel like "calling-in" even though not sick.
8. I'm slowly going out of mah mind.
9. I always feel like somethings holding me back whenever it's time for me to go to work.
10. I'm always late (back to my old habits)!
11. My mood improves a bit whenever its my rest days.
12. I feel sick whenever I think of pressing the log-in button on my callmaster.
But then again, I'll probably not resign... I mean, I don't wanna go through the hassle of looking for another job again!
lizzieloves, 9:13:00 AM
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