Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

Another post for my online collection of pathetic songs!

The Getaway
by: Hilary Duff

Here I am again
Talking to myself
Sitting at a red light
Both hands on the wheel
How am I supposed to feel?
So much running through my mind
First you wanna be free
Now you say you need me
Giving mixed signals and signs
It's so hard to let you in
Thinking you might slam the brakes again

Put the pedal down
Heading out of town
Gotta make a getaway
The traffic in my brain's
Driving me insane
This is more than I can take
You tell me that you love me first
Then throw your heart into reverse
I gotta get away

I can't keep coming back to you
Every time you're in the mood
To whisper something sweet in my ear
It's so hard to move on
Cause every time I think you're gone
You show up in my rearview mirror

Is this just a detour?
Cause I gotta be sure
That you really mean what you say
It's so hard to let you in
Thinking you might slam the brakes again

Put the pedal down
Heading out of town
Gotta make a getaway
The traffic in my brain's
Driving me insane
This is more than I can take
You tell me that you love me first
Then throw your heart into reverse
I gotta get away
To a place where I can be redefined
Where you're out of sight
And you're out of mind
But the truth is I can't even say goodbye

Here I am again
Talking to myself
Sitting at a red light
Both hands on the wheel
How am I supposed to feel?
So much running through my mind

Put the pedal down
Heading out of town
Gotta make a getaway (a getaway)
The traffic in my brain's
Driving me insane
This is more than I can take (I can take)
You tell me that you love me first
Then throw your heart into reverse
I gotta get away

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Oh f****n' hell... I'm back to feeling pathetic and miserable again! I thought I've finally managed to pass this phase. My gosh, it's more than 5 months of private hell and I'm still lost. Still no light at the end of the tunnel!

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REALIZATIONS
by: iced_coffee

For as long as I could remember, I have been living in this peaceful and undisturbed place, enclosed in sturdy and powerful walls. Plenty of people have tried to lure me away from here. Some say that I was missing half of my life by confining and isolating myself. Others condescendingly shake their heads in amusement, and knowingly declare that I will eventually surface from my dwelling. Whereas others more seek to tempt me, by promising things left and right, trying to make me believe that it was better for me to be with them, and outside my sheltered condition.

Amongst all these, I stubbornly shook my head in defiance, because I was certain that my present situation was what’s best for me. It is my choice to be here, anyway. Away from pain, sheltered from sorrow, and safe from getting hurt once again.

But as fate would have it, you came. Amidst the crowd, you held out your hand to me. I tried my best to refuse you, I really did. I burrowed myself further inside my place, but still you were persistent. I tried to get in touch with my cynical nature and recalled the reasons why I would rather confine myself in the first place, but I was unsuccessful. Slowly, reluctantly, I find myself leaving my personal hole. And you were there, waiting.

You opened my eyes to a wonderful place, and indeed, I felt bliss. There was so much to explore, things I never thought existed, and emotions I have almost forgotten I was capable of feeling. I finally came across things that I only saw in my secret fantasies. You and me. Together. And for that moment, that is all that mattered.

Yes, for a while I genuinely forgot about my past existence, and I have almost convinced myself that, as long as you are here, I was better and happier. Almost. Without warning, I slowly stirred from my trance, like a light bulb inside my head was turned on. I was reminded of the cruel realities that seem to cast a shadow over this different world I am now in. People who previously appeared as angels were now creeping back to me as monsters of my past. Places that seemed beautiful and magnificent now looked haunted. A variety of unfamiliar feelings slithered inside me—jealousy, sadness, bitterness.

I searched for you, but you were not there. All of a sudden, your fingers deliberately slipped away from mine. The hand, the very being, I foolishly believed would always be there, was gone.

Now I am lost and confused. I cannot return to where I came from, for you have already shown me another world beyond my own, a place where I ridiculously trusted that dreams could come true yet again. I cannot remain in this world either, since I am afraid of not being able to survive on my own, without you to hang on to.

It took me quite a while to realize, and to finally admit to myself, that I have fallen in love with someone I should not have fallen in love with. And now I have no idea what to do next and where to go. The wall that used to be my shelter already has crumbled down at my feet. Once more, I am everything I swore I never will be again.

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I definitely miss that "place" where I felt safe... It's just that I can't seem to find the way back there right now. Could you please show me the way or at least point me in the right direction? I'm just lost...

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