Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

I've been going on and on about this for the last month or so. But I still can't seem to get it out of my system. Now, I've decided to FINALLY write about this for the last time and hopefully never look back again. It was just so hard getting over the fact, that I lost the person that I have loved the most... I'm not gonna pretend that I'm cool with what happened 'coz I'm not. I thought, I could easily move on and forget about that relationship but I'm now finding out that it is not the case. There are times I'm okay but sometimes I'm not. It's like taking two steps forward and then taking a step backward to that very lonely place.

Why is it so damn hard to move on? Well, there are just too many things that remind me of him... But what can I expect, five years is a long time and there are just too many memories crowding my already crowded mind. There are also too many questions left unanswered and words left unspoken. I wish I had the strength then to finally ask and say to him what I really felt inside. Until now, I still can't find it in me to just get angry at him for doing this to me... to us. 'Coz at the back of my mind I know that he deserves to be happy and be able to find the love that he is really looking for. I also know that I am not the one for him, not the girl who could give him what he wanted in life. But why is it so hard to accept the fact that I am not the ONE for him? Maybe, because at one point in my life I believed with all my heart that he was the ONE for me.

People and friends tell me that all I need is time... for me to finally heal. Since I never mastered the virtue of being patient, I'm wishing that the time of healing will come to me sooner and not later. But in case I still have a long way to go... I'm hoping that along that journey, I'll at least stumble upon my "special place" where I could escape for a while and just be "happy" again.

To you... I wanted to thank you for (the last time):

...the time we spent together (02/24/00 - 05/08/05). From the moment I first saw you smiling at me to the last time I saw you waving goodbye. How I wish there is a way for me to freeze the times that we were together so I could "visit" them during my lowest moments.

...the lessons you have thought me. From the way you taught me how to love with all my heart and to never hold back to being honest even though you know you're gonna hurt somebody. I cried when I finally learned the lesson but they also made me realize that loving another person is what makes us all human.

I wish you happiness, success, and most especially, love throughout your journey. May you find the ONE you are looking for in this lifetime. May she love you always. Please take care of yourself... And even though I do not have the right to say this to you, remember that I am just here for you, silently loving you.

Do not worry though, I'm not hoping for you to love me again. I'm not even going to hold the "promises" you once said to me against you. I'm just sorry that things did not work out for us.