Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

Officially Missing You"

All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why’d you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today I’m officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today
I’m officially missing you

Oh can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say it stays on my mind
And I, I’m officially

All I do is lay around
Two years full of tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all
I don’t know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say baby safe to say
That I’m officially missing you

Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way
To let go of you

It official
You know that I’m missing you
Yeah yes
All I hear is raindrops
And I’m officially missing you

That is my current song - It seems like I'm always missing the one I love! Oh help! I'm getting overly dramatic here, but then again it's true. I don't think that I would ever be satisfied with the amount of time I spend with my "baby". Yup, I'm definitely giving in to my urge to whine about the situation I always find myself in. I guess the only person who knows that I consistently complain about the long-distance aspect of my relationship is Michelle. Whether it be on the phone or when we eventually meet up for our semi-regular tete-a-tete. It's a good thing she now just lets me rant about it, before she would still comment about the fact that I could actually just find myself another person to love (as if that would solve my problem!). I don't blame her because she never did experienced a long-distance relationship therefore, she cannot relate to the feeling of missing someone so much. Sometimes, I envy her relationship with Glenn because they get to see each other at least twice a week. However, I would also not trade my "baby" for anyone else in the world just to have more time with my special someone.

I'm not sure if this is a character flaw or not but I do admit to being paranoid from time to time. I looked up the true definition of the word and this is what I found out:

PARANOID: ('par-&-"noid) Relating to, characteristic of, or affected with paranoia. * Exhibiting or characterized by extreme and irrational fear or distrust of others: a paranoid suspicion that the phone might be bugged. n. One affected with paranoia. The American Heritage ® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth

Hmmm, after reading that definition I'm now uncertain if I do have paranoid thoughts - I mean, I definitely do not have an extreme fear or distrust of others. What I would admit is the fact that I sometimes have an irrational idea from time to time. An example of this is thinking that someone is playing a joke on me when I don't actually have a basis for that thought. To be more specific, I do get jealous for some unknown reason even if my boyfriend assures me that he does love me and that he would never intentionally do something to hurt me. I guess, this feeling could be blamed at the distance that currently separates us. Don't get me wrong, I do trust my boyfriend but I'm only human and I still falter whenever I hear stories about things that they (men) could get into. I even hear first hand info about those girls who have gotten their heart broken by the men they loved. I know, it's bad to generalize guys into one category but still... Anyways, the bottom line here is I need to work on me being easily affected by the things I hear. At least I'm being honest here and that's a good thing right?

For vanity's sake I'm posting a pic of me in this page. To be honest, I'm not really fond of my pictures, I find them just a waste of film and space (in my computer and phone). I'm not comfortable in seeing my photos or having my pic taken. Why? It seems to me like a picture actually magnifies even the littlest of flaws then it takes it another step further by keeping a record of that flaw. Besides, pictures could be kept, therefore it could be used as blackmail. Remember your old elementary pictures, taken at a time where you were not ready to have your pic taken but has to go through that photo session anyways because it's the sked? Scary right?

But then again, a picture is a nice way of freezing that moment in time so that you could always relive again the feeling of that time where you felt the happiest or felt the loved.

This day actually a lot of little nuances in my life. One is the fact that I just got my 5th month appraisal. This appraisal could change the way I live my life because it would be the basis of HR if they would regularize me or not. I'm praying that they would regularize me because I do need to have a job right now. It's was never my dream to be jobless and useless. Another thing that I just got wind of today is the "behavior" of one of my batch mates here in PS. I'm not gonna name names because what I found is not my assessment of her. Of course I just got this tidbit of information through a third party and that itself should make me wary if this is indeed true. So, as for this matter, I plan to hold my comments and then just find out for myself if this is indeed true. Then, another fact that I just came upon recently is the ongoing "set-up" at my cousin's house. I also got this through a third party but I'm willing to bet that this is true. Actually, I do not care that much about the other things that was mentioned but I'm just concerned about one thing - I do hope that this is not true because I do not want to tell my parents about this. They do not need to know because this could just bring them unnecessary woes, so I do not plan to pass on this news to them anywhere near the future.

I Promise
by Stacie Orrico

Will I always be there for you?
When you need someone, Will I be that one you need?
Will I do all my best to, to protect you?
When the tears get near your eyes
Will I be the one that's by your side?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

Will I take tender tender care of you?
Take your darkest night and make it bright for you
Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?
When this world has turned so cold
Will I be the one that's there to hold?

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

Yeah
And I love you more every day
And nothing will take that love away
When you need someone
I promise I'll be there for you (there for you)
I promise

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

And I promise (and I promise)
I promise (oh I promise you)
I will be there when you call me (when you call me)
I promise (I promise)
I promise I will

P.S.
I'm currently surfing the net (answering emails, posting my views on the forum and trying to update the template of this blog) and this song is my constant background music. Actually, whenever I feel the need to have some background music while doing other things I always play this song. But you know what, this my sound sappy but I do believe that when it comes to my "baby" this song could be applied to my feelings about him. And as for the topic that Aya started at TnD, I never thought that I was special just because my bf is from the military or that I'm a kg. All I know is that, I truly love my boyfriend. I may whine about the long distance set-up but that is just me.

That was my favorite non-word. It's great when you seem to have forgotten what you were supposed to say or when you just want to fill in the silence. This non-word is also very useful if you suddenly blanked out and cannot think of a word to say! Also, this could be very helpful if you unnecessarily blurted out a piece of information that you were not supposed to say in front of somebody - to help you backtrack a little bit and be able to think of a way to undo what you have just said. However, this non-word is also something I'm trying to take out of my repertoire of non-words. This could be so annoying especially if you're trying to interest people to listen to you (you know, it could be so redundant if your at the receiving end) or detrimental if you're trying to sound like english is your first language (when your working in a callcenter).

Ms. Bernie (my manager when I was still working as a trainer with SPPEI) already called my attention on this. Specifically when I took up the "Train the Trainers" course. Actually I have already discovered my affinity with this non-word even before I got my first job. To be honest, the English subject was never my favorite subject in school. Then there's the fact that in the school I attended (for both grade school and highschool) we even were using Filipino as the medium of teaching for almost all the subjects, of course except the english subject (duh!!!). I think they used us to be some sort-of of guinea pigs as to how it would affect our learning the subject matter. They even tried thinking of terms to be used in our chemistry, physics, algebra, geometry and trigonometry classes, but of course coming up with a filipino term for, let's say, vectors! That gave them the hint that they're proposal to use Filipino as the medium of teaching could be even detrimental to their students. I have strayed a little bit from my point - but that experience predisposed me to use this non-word because I was not able to practice and use the english language during the early stages of my life. I was not that comfortable when I speak english thus the tendency to say "uhmmm".

Ironically, I'm in a position right now that I absolutely have to speak the english language almost all the time. I work in a callcenter, we are the unfortunate ones whose task is to answer questions from customers who happens to be Americans. Great ain't it? So now, I'm slowly but surely removing that non-word. But of course, it occasionally still pops out of my mouth especially when I'm thinking of an excuse to make it seem like my company is not the one who made the error.

That is the state of my mind right now? I can't seem to think of anything to write about. Maybe, this is from the stress I'm feeling with regards to my job right now which requires me to think and think. My mind feels overworked and cannot function normally! So 'till my mind get backs to its original state I would not be posting anything.

Faerie:
Faeries are sweet loving beings who love to help
people. They are not held back by reality and
love to dream and fly around. You probably are
very creative and although not the most popular
person in the world you are probably loved by
many for your sweet caring personality.


************************************************************************

Congrats! Your a Pure Angel! Angels, as far as most
of them go, are all compatabile creatures, but
Pure ones simply are symbols of God. Pure
Angels always appear when a child is born, when
a rainbow is seen, or when someone shares their
first kiss. They never grow old, an can appear
in the shape of a naked woman with white, bold
wings. Pure angels are the carriers of god, and
show their love to everyone in the world.


************************************************************************
cute ain't they... something to do for the bored!

"So here I am the victim of my own choices, and I'm just starting."

"Love and law are the same, romantic in concept, but the actual practice can get you a yeast infection, but I actually liked my job."

"Men are like gum anyway, after you chew they lose their flavor."

"The real truth is that I probably don't want to be too happy or content, cuz then what? I actually like the quest, the search, that's the fun, the the more lost you are the more you have to look forward to, what do you know, I'm having a great time and I don't even know it."

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. ... there are some loves that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky enough to end up with somebody who has a little of that insanity. Someone who never lets go. Someone who cherishes you forever."

"Sometimes there's no point in the truth if all it's going to do is cause pain."

"There's no sin in loving men. Only pain."

"I need to believe that men and women love each other. I need to know that they go home to each other every night, so I can believe that it will happen to me too someday."

"Even if I get past my problems I'm just going to go out and get new ones!"

"I'm more afraid of ending up with the wrong person."

"When I first met you, you struck me as a person who has forgotten how to love, and be loved. Do you even remember what it's like to really be with someone? Maybe what you're afraid of it what you don't know."

"Love, more than anything else, is about respect."

"I did love you. Problem was you couldn't recognize it. Love is wasted on you because you'll always be unhappy, that's why I left. You may go through your good times, but we both know the place you'll always go back to. I couldn't have pulled you out of your world, you would have pulled me into yours."

"This is the problem with playing games -- somebody has to lose."

"Sometimes... when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing."

"I think I need to believe that it works - love, couplehood, partnerships. The idea that when people come together they stay together... I have to take that with me to bed every night, even if I'm going to bed alone."

"I need to believe that men and women love each other. I need to know that they go home to each other every night, so I can believe that it will happen to me too someday."

"The world is no longer a romantic place. Some of its people still are nowever, and therin lies the promise. Don't let the world win, Ally McBeal."

"One of the keys to life is the fast forward. Every movie has its lousy parts. The trick is to fast forward through. As time passes, you look back and say 'Oh.. that little adultery thing, oh that.' Fast forward to then, right now, and you are over it."

"Never trust a second thounght. Where there is two there is three. You will end up thinking forever."

"The last thing you want is to be in love with someone you can't have. This is something I know."

"I've been able to do a damn good job of denying the... truth...that I'll never love anybody the way I loved and still love you."

"Whoever said that 'plenty of fish in the sea' thing was wrong. Sometimes there's only one fish. Trust me."

---
...from Dawson's Creek

"It's agony. Complete, excruciating agony. It's like your heart is being ripped out of your chest and stomped on. You can't breathe, you don't wanna eat, you can't function. It's the most intense pain you'll ever feel, and the worst part is there's no way to relieve it. It's unyielding, merciless torture and you know it's yours for life."

P.S.
I noticed the show Ally McBeal when I was still in college - it gave me my much needed "weekly dose of humour". There was even a point where I was playing the show's theme song everyday. You know, the song of Vonda Shepard:

Searchin' My Soul

I've been down this road walkin' the line
That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can't hide

Oh I believe I am ready for what love has to bring
Got myself together, now I'm ready to sing

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

One by one, the chains around me unwind
Every day now I feel that I can leave those years behind

Oh I've been thinking of you for a long time
There's a side of my life where I've been blind and so...

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
Everything gonna be alright
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
Don't wanna be alone in life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

Baby I been holding back now my whole life
I've decided to move on now
Gonna leave all my worries behind

Oh I belive I am ready for what love has to give
Got myself together now I'm ready to live

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
Everything gonna be alright
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
Don't wanna be alone in my life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

I know, I was supposed to post something yesterday but since I was preoccupied with other things I was not able to do anything but admire my site. Actually, since nobody else could see my blog site (as for the moment) I'm the only one admiring my site.

I'm still trying to decide whether I'm going to buy the phone of Mitch for my bro or not. Hmmm, I'm also thinking if I'm gonna buy that phone and then just give it to my boyfriend. Oh well, I still have my restdays to think about this. But then again, I don't wanna give something to my bro unless he graduates first. And I do hope, he has realized the importance of education by now. I don't wanna think of a scenario where he was not able to finish his studies and then end up just like some of my cousins. Oh no no no no no!!! That would definitely be a nightmare for me, more still to my parents. I do know how important it is for them to see their children (us) graduate from college. I'm giving my bro the benefit of the doubt this time, then I'll just cross my fingers and hope for the best.

Another day of endless calls, non-stop chatter and ceaseless worrying about my AHT! Not that I'm really complaining. As for the moment, I'm trying to bring down my AHT (which for the moment is sky-high) and not caring that much about THE call flow. Yeah, that's not a good attitude to take on but I do need to bring down my AHT.

I have to go home - I was interupted with my entry because a call came in and now its the end of my shift. I need to eat and sleep (in that order) for me to be able to face the start of my shift (again) later on.

So in the meantime I'm gonna leave this message: I promise to put in a substantial entry by tonight.

The new look I'm refering to is the template for my blog. I kinda like the pictures I've posted because it really goes along with the over all "feel" of the page.

That's it for me for this shift. 'Till later.

It seems like my mind is drifting...where? I myself do not know! Maybe this is just the effect of my 3 day rest days. All I did was sleep. So maybe, my "sleep marathon" has affected a part of my brain that is the cause of my temporary forgetfulness! Due to this phenomenon, I almost lost my phone! That really gave me a scare. I was already thinking or imagining the worst case scenario - that is - I won't be able to see my phone ever again! That, right now, is one of the worst thing that could ever happen to me because I just bought the phone last month and my mom would never let me forget that! I was so nervous, I almost cried! But of course, I was still trying my best not to show that it's really getting to me because I do not have anybody to blame but myself because it was a matter of me forgetting to bring it with me after I have taken a leak (in the bathroom). It's a good thing that somebody was honest enough to give it to one of our supervisors. I also want to thank Trixie for letting me use her phone (I was calling my # and hoping that it was not turned off and whoever got my phone would answer and tell where to claim my phone). I almost cried when one of my calls was cancelled - a sign that whoever got the phone has put off the phone and is not willing to answer any calls or messages. But since I was desperate already, I tried calling again (just in case) and this time I somebody answered my call and told me where to get phone. You could just imagine the relief I felt when I was able to see my phone again. I know, I'm being redundant regarding this matter - but you must understand that I just bought that phone and it would definitely be a big loss (not to mention, a careless one) for me.

Not only did I almost lost my phone. I also forgot that my training schedule for the day was 6pm - I got here just in time for my shift. I now have to explain to my supervisor why I missed my training schedule. Then, when I finally attended the training, I then in turn forgot to bring the manual back to my workstation! What a mess, right? Hmm, now I have to get a copy of that June Release so that I would have something to base my reviews on. I don't wanna have trouble using the new interface of Siebel.

The only good thing that happened to me on this shift is the fact that we have free pizza! Yehey! (One must still look at the silver lining, right?!!)...

I just realized today that you could do a lot with just a 15-minute break. In my case, I was able to go down to the first floor to take my "yosi" break, then up again to the 14th floor where I work, go the restroom to do my stuff, get some water and still have time to talk to my friends at the other side of the room. Ain’t that great? I learned to do all that when I started working with a callcenter. Before, I thought 15-minute breaks is just a waste of time! I mean, in my former jobs, I never took my 15-break in the morning so that I could justify my taking of a 30-minute break in the afternoon. Maybe, the work environment helped me a lot too. I was much conscious of the time right now as compared before. In my old job, it's not as if there's a "callmaster" to take note of our break schedules. Besides, my job before entails me to go to another side of the building (or to another building) just to get all the documents that we would be needing. That factor was a handy excuse whenever I was gone for more than 15 minutes in the afternoons. I know, that attitude is not so good of me. I guess, that is also one of the reasons I am no longer with that company. hehehe!!!

I also learned that 15 minutes is more than enough time to take a nap if you haven't slept the whole day before a shift. It really helps a lot you know. After a little nap, I would be good again 'till the end of my shift. It could also revive me enough to just surf the net and not think of all the sleep I was missing that day. As all my friends know, one of my vice is sleep. I'd rather sleep than watch a movie or eat. I actually could sleep for a whole day - just give me 30 minute breaks after a 12-hour marathon sleep! I also have to go to the bathroom you know.

Okay, so I did watch "All My Life", I was with my mom and my little brother. If only I knew the ending I would have never watched the movie! I hate sad endings! I'm an advocate of the "happy ever after" endings you normally see in fairytales. My reason? "I watch movies to escape real life, so why would I want to watch something that happens in real life?" Get my point? I know, it may seem like so unreal - girl meets boy, girl and boy lived happily ever after, but that is the way I want to be. Even in the books that I read, I also want them to have a happy ending. I don't wanna read or watch something that closely resembles real life, I see too much of "that" in daily life. I also feel kinda stupid 'coz I actually what's gonna happen (the movie was that predictable) but I still managed to cry during the last 30 minutes of the movie. Uh-huh, I was that pathetic! I almost sobbed out loud, it's a good thing that I still remembered that I am in a movie house with other people.

Not only did the movie succeeded in making me cry, it also made me realize that life is so unpredictable. The only thing that we could do about it is that we should at least try to make the most of what we have right now. I must admit, the story made me think of my current relationship. As one would say, "bullseye"!

I'll just continue this later, my mind is still jumbled up from my 3 day rest from work...