Wonderings of an Aimless Mind

Yehey! Just 3 minutes more and I'm outta here! Just sent my bf a message and it seems like he's already up at this time. That is kinda weird because he definitely likes sleeping late on the weekends. Oh well, at least he texted me back!

I'm still not sure if we (my friend wylmer) would be able to keep our "tradition" today. I hope we do 'coz I'm kinda hungry.

Bye for now... I'll probably be back by wednesday or if I find time to post something on tuesday I will.

Finally, the end of my workweek! I am so looking forward to my rest days... just imagine 3 whole days of just lying around and doing nothing. Hmmm, I'm definitely going to sleep off the whole day tomorrow, try to catch up with my sleep for the past 4 days! I just don't know why I just cant get at least 7 hours of sleep every time I have to go to work. Talk about being ironic, your brain and body tells you that you have to get enough rest before going to work but Mr. Sandman is definitely not cooperating. I am always at the verge of crying because I was unable to sleep properly, always having a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep for at least 4 hours straight. I actually just reverted my sleeping pattern - when compared to the time when I was still working the so-called "regular" office hour shift. So what I'm trying to say here is that my switching jobs really did not help me in any way to improve my sleeping abilities. My only consolation is that I now have enough money to support myself and my so-called luxuries in life! That itself should be good enough for me, right?

By the way, we had an unexpected visitor early this morning at our house. Daniel, the son of my godfather who is currently based in Saudi Arabia dropped by to say hello. It was unexpected because just this week, me and my parents were talking about them and my parents partly complaining that they never did make the effort to know how we are doing. So imagine the surprise of my dad when they came knocking on our door this morning. At least, that was one bright spot to the day of my dad aside from the fact that it is a saturday - meaning mahjong day at the house of my cousins. I am not sure if I like their sessions every week. My dad tells me that it is the only way he relaxes. Oh well, I'll just let him be at the moment. I just hate the part where in they would still argue about what happened during their sessions, especially if he was not lucky that day.

Enough of that! Forgive me if I am like this about the "mahjong topic", it's just that I am always unlucky whenever I play that game. Basically, I'm just sour-graping 'coz I always suck when I play that sort of game! Hehehe!!!

Oh yeah, one more thing, I just told my friends that I am now like them - "blogging" their way through the end of their shifts. And to be honest, I am now quite addicted to this stuff! It is fun, really! I just get kinda shy when people are taking their lunch and have a clear view of what I am doing while not taking calls. I'm still not ready to have anybody read any of the things I have written here - well not at the time being anyway.

I'm back (and hopefully for long)... The past three days had been quite hectic and toxic for me! I was not able to post anything other than that song that has been "bugging" me for almost two weeks now. I even got the ringing tone of THAT song on my phone, talked about being obsessed! It really sounded like a lullaby to me... which I think is not consistent with the message of the song. Yeah, I've already analyzed the contents of the THE song, hehehe! Anyways, like all things in life, this to will pass. I'll eventually get over my obsession and then move to another obsession. At least, I have something else to think about other than the (almost) constant obsession of my life...

So what the heck is THAT other obsession of mine? I'll give you three guesses...Food? Wrong, try again. Sleep? I guess, but not quite. Arbern? Bullseye! Maybe others would raise their eyebrows if they hear this. They would probably say, "You do not seem the type to obsess about a boy'. I may seem to have a strong personality, you know, the type who's always in control with her feelings and emotions? Well, I'll tell you this right now. I just look like I am in control with my feelings and emotions, but in truth it is actually just the facade I assume with people. I learned early on that if other people know your weak spot, they would just exploit that for their own advantage and I definitely do not want that to happen! So everyday I wear a mask, to show people that I am not the kind of person who relies on her emotions to get by in life.

(Hmmm, I seem to have gotten of track here...Let's go back to the topic at hand then.)

Arbern! The root cause of why I REALLY started this journal. So blame him if I actually show my real "personality" here! I know, it's not right to have a person rule over one's emotion but I've long accepted the fact that he's one of my weakness. Kinda pathetic, right? The only good thing there is that I have accepted the fact and is now trying to live with it. One could probably say that, I'm trying to make it look that I was not given any choice here when in fact, it was a choice that I made in the beginning of the relationship. Right now, I would refute that idea but in the back of my mind (where my mind still has control over things), I know that the argument could be valid. But I won't go to that right now, I still have to pour out my feelings regarding this obsession of mine... Actually, I'm kinda hoping that by the end of this entry, my obsession would lessen and I would at least get a good night sleep!

I met him when I was still in college. At times I think, what if I did not go with KJ and the rest of my friends to PMA, would I still be in this situation? Maybe or maybe not. I am still not sure about my position regarding "destiny matters" so I'll just let it be... I went to that academy then met the most unlikely person I would ever think I would fall in love with (did I make sense?). At first, I was still kidding myself that this "one" would not last because the set-up is the same as with my past relationships that failed - long-distance! What I did not count on before is the fact that this "one" is different from the rest. Different, in the sense that he was the only guy that made me realize that THAT kind love do exist and it is possible to fall in love without even realizing it. I just woke up one day thinking that I'm in love with HIM! oh my gosh! How and when did it happen? My friends never for one second believed that we would last this long (four years and counting...). Even his friends thought that I was just a passing fancy to him, a challenge because of our differences. What they did not see then is that time would eventually blur this differences then make it as is if we are merely complementing each other's personality. Funny is not?!

Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
Everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

---
Yeah...It's the song from Britney Spears. Kinda corny of me eh? But you know what? I actually could relate this song. Why? I guess it's the mood that I am in right now... Just give you the details later on (once this D#@n calls tapers off!).

It's the start of my workweek and I have a new workstation. I'm still not sure if I'm okay with this new arrangement or not. For one thing, this is the workstation that is nearest the pantry area. That itself could be a positive or negative thing. Positive ,because I don't need to use up my "personal time" to get some water. Negative, because all the people who would be taking their breaks would be able to see what I am currently doing. Maybe I'll just post an update about my final judgment regarding this new arrangement - after I have gotten a feel for my new location.

P.S.
It's the end of my shift and I've decided that I do not like this place - but not much. For one thing, whenever people take their break or lunch I could smell the food and that makes me hungry. And then I sometimes get distracted by their conversations when a group comes here to have their lunch together. Since there was a lot of calls tonight I was not able to test if I could actually get some water while not using my personal time (but I definitely would try that!)

Got to go... I still need to get at least 6 hours of solid sleep later. But as I gaze out of the window, I could actually see that the sun is shining and this day promises to be one hot day. Hmmm, I just hope that it would rain just as soon as I reach our house. Why? So that I won't be bothered by the heat, that's why!

I just want to put a quick note in here before I go home (obviously I do not have work right now that's why I wasn't able to put any entries in here). I just met up w/ my cousin, Michelle, and we kind of got to talking about weddings, mine and hers to be precise. We realized that we are actually getting older and is thus finding the need to get married... Hmmm, does that make sense?!

Anyways, this "getting married" thing has definitely been on mind this past few weeks! I'm still not sure if I'm willing to get married next year (just like what Arbern is suggesting). But you know what, I think the real reason I am still not sure about the whole things is because I still think Arbern is still not 100% sure about the idea! There, I have finally gotten that out!!! There is still a little doubt in the back of mind that Arbern may also not be as "sold-out" to the idea of marriage. So how did I ever thought about that idea?! I really don't know where that thought really came from... I'm just trying to voice out the thought that is making the rounds in my mind at the moment, or else I would never have a good night sleep!

Oh yeah, I'm kinda happy right now, or at least last sunday. I finally got rid of "that" little problem of mine. Hehehe! At least now, I do not have to add "that" to all the things that's been on my chaotic and confused mind! So what the hell is that problem you ask? Never mind the answer... The important thing is the result, or what happened last sunday!

I gotta go... Try to have a good night sleep. Hopefully no interuptions this time. But I do hope Arbern would find the time to communicate to me. I'm missing him so much, so much so that I'm willing to sacrifice my sleep just to read a message from him (how pathetic could I get?!!)

Now that I have finished my introductory entry to my diary I'm feeling a little bit better than before! Whoopee!!! I just need a little bit more time to internalize about what has happened in my life before I started this 'coz I wanna put a sort of history in here...

Lets turn back time a little bit here, say about 10 years from now...

...10 years ago I was still in highschool. I practically grew up in that school 'coz I studied there from kindergarten to grade 10. Basically I spent 11 years of my life in that school. That institution played a big part in my life, in terms of making me in what I am today. I learned that you can never learn enough because we are living in a world that offers endless possibilities. That basically made the excuse "there's nothing else in here" invalid. And you know what? I kind of like that 'coz I never really wanted to be idle. But I'm getting ahead of myself... so let's go back to my beloved alma mater.

Let me describe my school... First of, I studied in UPIS, that school in Diliman that is part of a much bigger institution: University of the Philippines. I'm proud of the fact that I got the opportunity to study in my school. In fact I would go on record that if given a choice to go to another school, I would still choose UPIS. It might not be a private and exclusive school but it is definitely the best among the rest. I remember what one my professors told my class: "you are the cream of the crop". To be honest, at that time we thought it was just crap. Her way of saying that we should do our best to listen and pay attention so that we could learn something because we have the potential to be more that what we are at that point. But as I look back now, we really did have the potential to be the best. Before, we never really thought of the difference of the way we were taught. We actually assumed that our professors were just slacking off because they are just letting us do the researches on our own while in other schools, the information they need is was readily given to them. But you know what, that kind of system actually thought us to be responsible, to rely on ourselves for something that we need instead of looking to others to get what we want. And for that lesson alone, I would always be thankful to my alma mater. (end of part one.)

Hmmm, what should I say?! Actually, this would be my first time to make an entry here... still feeling lost (kinda). Anyways, just bear with me for a moment while I gather my thoughts. But then again, this is a my diary (or blog), meaning my "own personal space" so I guess I am allowed to write whatever thoughts I have at the moment. Right?!

So here goes

So far, I am feeling a bit stressed out lately. There's a little something at the back of my mind that has been nagging me for almost 5 days now. What is it? I'll just keep it to myself for the meantime. I'm still on the "denial phase" myself and still haven't had the guts to admit, even to myself, that there could be a problem. Anyways, I'm giving mysel at least 3 more days to finally face this issue. I just hope that before that deadline comes, I'm back to my "old" self again.

Reasons for starting this diary:

I. Ease my boredom
- Now I know the feeling of not doing anything but still having to wait for the time. I need to have something to do, something to keep my mind sane, productive and happy! I have to have something to keep me busy. I really do not like the feeling of boredom, it gets into my nerves because with boredom I feel helpless. Does that make any sense? For me, it does.

II. A space to let out my feelings
- It's not that I don't have friends or anything but there are still some things a gal wants to keep to herself. Besides, since I have this much time on my hands and nobody to talk to its logical to just have my thoughts writtenn down. A good way of releasing my hidden feelings of happiness, sadness, frustration, jealousy and anything in between. I also don't wanna disturb my friends everytime I need somebody to listen to my thoughts because really, there are just times when I just want to express what I am feeling and not be bothered by what others would say.

III. Just be me
- 'nuff said!